


Sixteen Letters

by DetectiveChloeMorningstar



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: AU Fic, Baby Fic, F/M, Jane x Lisbon, Jisbon, Letters, Rigsby x Van Pelt, Rigspelt, The Mentalist - Freeform, This is honestly my favorite thing I've ever written, but it has boatloads of angst, come back to meeeee, god i miss this show, old fic, repost, seriously i love this so much, so strap in bitches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 68,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11450979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetectiveChloeMorningstar/pseuds/DetectiveChloeMorningstar
Summary: "Whatever her faults were, Teresa Lisbon was a good person. That's why she'd written those letters, sixteen of them, to be read each year on Lucy's birthday." When a passion-filled night with Patrick Jane leaves her pregnant, Teresa Lisbon is scared that the secret she's harboring could put her daughter in danger. So, despite Jane's best efforts to make her stay, she leaves soon after her daughter, Lucy, is born. She entrusts Jane with the task of reading sixteen letters, on each year, on Lucy's birthday. Will Jane & Lisbon ever reunite? Or will Lucy live with the fact that the only things she has from her mother are sixteen letters?





	1. The First Letter

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Eighteen Letters](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/305832) by JenLea. 



> This fic is an old fic of mine and it was originally posted on Wattpad under my username KateBeckett41319. It was really popular over there so I'm hoping you guys will like it just as much! It was written a couple of years ago so I like to think my writing skills have grown since then. This is just to show everyone here on AO3 what I can do! It is my favorite fic I've ever written so it makes sense that it would be my inaugural post on this account! Enjoy! xx

Sixteen Letters

By: S.K. Knight

Disclaimer: Don’t own The Mentalist or the characters. I don’t own Disney or Belle or the “You are safe, you are loved, you are wise." line. All rights to rightful owners.

PS Lisbon writes the letters in future tense because when she was pregnant, Lisbon knew she was going to leave.

Chapter 1: The First Letter

Jane sat in a rocking chair, rocking his one year old daughter, Lucy, in her room. All the furniture and blankets were decorated with a white and light pink color scheme, perfect for a little girl. There was only one problem…her mother wasn’t there, hadn’t been since Lucy was born. This was one of the worst possible days for Lucy’s mother to be absent from her life. It was Lucy’s first birthday. He’d tried calling her mother, but it went straight to voicemail, like it always did. He didn’t expect anything different. Since they had that fight on the day she left for wherever she was going, she hadn’t communicated with him since. The pain of that realization washed over him. Whatever her faults were, Teresa Lisbon was a good person. She cared about Lucy, he knew she did. That’s why she’d written those letters, sixteen of them, to be read each year on Lucy’s birthday. He put Lucy in her crib and dug out the box in the shelf beneath Lucy’s changing table marked “Lucy’s Letters” in Lisbon’s neat handwriting. He gently ran his fingers over her writing and opened the box, taking out a letter marked “Happy Birthday, Lucy” and a small number one in the top right hand corner of the envelope. He reclaimed his seat in the rocking chair and opened the letter, beginning to read.

_“Dear Lucy,_

_If Daddy’s reading you this, it probably means it’s your first birthday. Over the next sixteen years, Daddy will read, or if you’re old enough, let you read the letter. I wrote these after you were born, before I left, because I wanted to explain things to you in these letters, like why I’m not there anymore. I’m not here with you because when Daddy and I fell in love, it was against the rules of my job and I didn’t want to lose it. But that’s only one reason. The other reason is that I couldn’t handle what I’d done. Having you would’ve meant that I was ready to be a good mom to you, and I didn’t think I could be, so I decided after a few days that I was going to leave. Daddy tried to get me to stay, but I wouldn’t listen. So, after you were born, I left for another state and got a job as a detective. You weren’t a mistake, Lucy, that’s important for you to know. Daddy and I didn’t plan on you, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you very much. I regret leaving you and Daddy every day, but I can’t come home. I’m not ready to face Daddy…or you. I’m not ready to face that fact that I left you. I miss you so much, Lucy, and I think of you every day. Be good for Daddy and maybe one day I can finally see you again._

_Love,_

_Mommy”_

Jane stopped reading and wiped the tears away that had welled up in his eyes. He put the letter away and picked Lucy up from her crib, holding her in his arms again. He smiled down at her and she giggled, unaware of her father’s pain. She was too young to understand, but he wished she could. He closed his eyes and thought back to the night where they began their illicit affair, the night when Teresa Lisbon had done something impulsive for once in her life.

_It had started innocently enough, a late night at the CBI. He’d been napping on the couch as Lisbon finished up case reports. She’d finished an hour later and started to pack up her things._

_“Goodnight, Jane.” she had said, and he had opened his eyes and looked at her, getting up._

_“Goodnight, Lisbon. Allow me to walk you out.” he’d replied._

_He remembered how she’d shook her head, putting a strand of long, wavy brown hair behind her ear. “That’s sweet, but it’s just to my car. I’ll be fine. I promise.”_

_Jane waved her off. “No, no, I insist.”_

_Lisbon sighed and rolled her eyes at him. “You’re not gonna let me leave until I let you walk me to my car, are you?”_

_He smirked playfully. “Nope.”_

_“Fine.” she said, and they walked out the parking lot until they arrived at Lisbon’s black SUV._

_What happened next was something that would remain etched in Jane’s mind forever. The monumental risk he had taken just by choosing to utter three words right at that moment. But these weren’t just any three words, these three words changed the course of his and Lisbon’s relationship forever…_

_“I love you.” he said quietly, cupping her cheek. He studied her face, every line, every curve, the shape of her lips, and the intense green color of her eyes. Jane wanted to memorize her, everything about her and he had. That’s why he hadn’t thought through the consequences of those words, but he remembered not caring. The image of her on that night in his mind was so clear, so startlingly vivid, that he had to remind himself she wasn’t there and hadn’t been for almost a year._

_He’d said the words so quietly, Lisbon was surprised she heard them._

_She was even more shocked to hear herself muttering the words back. “I love you, too.”_

_He would never forget her scent as he remembered leaning into kiss her. Their mouths finally meeting, finally doing what they’d wanted to do for years, but…_

_He’d remembered how she’d stopped kissing back and looked at him, concerned. “Jane, this…this isn’t right.”_

_“Who cares if it isn’t right, Teresa? We love each other, love doesn’t stop for right or wrong, and what’s more, no one said anyone had to know. Not Rigsby, not Cho…no one. Just us.” he argued, and she could see pleading in his eyes._

_She contemplated this. “No…we-”_

_“Lisbon, please, this is what we want. We can’t let rules or secrets get in the way of that.” he tried._

_She let out a heavy sigh. “Fine, we can do this, but I swear, if you tell anyone I’ll shoot you, clear?”_

_He gave her a joking smile. “Crystal.”_

_Lisbon smirked. “Shut up.”_

_He put a hand to her cheek and kissed her again, longer and with more passion this time._

_After a few minutes, she pulled away. “Jane, I have to…”_

_Jane shook his head and said in a whisper. “No, Lisbon, don’t go…”_

_She pulled out of his arms and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay.”_

_She got in her car, and started the engine, and he remembered standing in the parking lot, just long enough to watch her drive away._

Jane sighed, missing her more than anything. He knew Lucy needed her mother, but he needed her too. He wished he could’ve convinced her to stay and help him care for Lucy, or he at least wished he could’ve seen this coming. (Not that he would’ve been more ready if he had known.) He couldn’t bear the thought of Lucy growing up without one of the most important and influential figures in her life. He feared that she would miss out on many of the normal activities little girls often did with their mothers, like shopping or manicures. (Though he knew Lisbon wasn’t one for either of those.) It was heartbreaking to him, and the worst part was, he didn’t know where she left to so he had no way of getting her back.

~*~

Over in New York, Teresa Lisbon sighed. She looked at the picture on her desk. Grace had taken it, on the day Lucy was born. It was a picture of her in the hospital, holding a sleeping Lucy while Jane beamed next to the bed. His hand was over hers as she held their daughter. She was smiling too, but Lisbon knew that her smile had held a secret. At that moment, she hadn’t been ready to shoulder the responsibility of a child, so she left. She packed up her things and left six weeks after that picture was taken, and she’d regretted it ever since. But she couldn’t go back, not yet, maybe not ever. She couldn’t face Jane after what she had done. Her cell phone had been ringing off the hook all day and then she finally checked her voicemail. Six messages, all from Jane. She knew it was Lucy’s birthday, but she couldn’t bring herself to pick it up. If she did, it would be real again. God, how she missed them.

“Hey, Lisbon, isn’t it Lucy’s birthday today?” Detective Miranda Carr, one of her co-workers at the precinct, asked.

Lisbon shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Yeah, why?”

“I just thought your ex would’ve called, you know, to let you say happy birthday.” she said.

Lisbon sighed. “He did call.” Six times, she thought to herself.

“And…?” Miranda pressed.

“I didn’t pick up.” she admitted, rubbing her face with her palm.

Miranda looked at her as if Lisbon had slapped her. “Why?”

That is a very good question. she thought.

As soon as Miranda left, Lisbon dialed Jane’s number.

~*~

The phone rang just as Jane was teasing a bottle of formula to Lucy’s lips to feed her. She latched on to it and suckled on the bottle happily as Jane picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Jane.” came the voice on the other end.

“Teresa.” he said, with only a hint of longing, aware that the sound of his ex-lover’s voice startled him. There was absolutely no mistaking her voice; it was the most beautiful sound in the world besides his daughter’s laugh. He knew it like the back of his hand, and he would never forget it. This was the same woman he had loved once, had once shared a bed with, and, most importantly, the woman with whom he had created a life.

Her voice broke him out of his thoughts. “How are you?”

“I’m well, Lucy’s turning one today.”

“I know, that’s why I called, can I talk to her?”

“She’s just finishing up her formula.” he said.

When Lucy finished, Jane held the phone up to Lucy’s ear.

“Hi, Lucy. It’s Mommy.” Lisbon said softly.

Lucy gurgled in response.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart. I know Daddy’s taking good care of you. I miss you.”

Lucy shrieked happily, loving the sound of her mother’s voice. Lisbon’s heart grew heavy, and she felt like a rock was pressing on her chest, making it hard to breathe.

“Bye, Luc. I love you so much.” she whispered, trying to keep her voice from breaking.

“Say bye to your mother, Lucy.” came Jane’s voice on the other end.

Lucy giggled and Lisbon heard Jane take the phone.

“You should come back.” Jane stated without ceremony.

Lisbon sighed. “Jane…I…we talked about this, before I left.”

“A ten minute fight in the CBI before you went home for the night isn’t talking, Teresa. It’s evasion. That’s exactly what you’re doing, and what you’ve been doing for the past year. You think that if you run far enough away from what you did and distance yourself from it that it won’t be real, but it is real. Lucy and I are real, and you can’t keep running away from it. You wrote in that letter to Lucy that she wasn’t a mistake, so I suggest you start acting like you believe that.” Jane reminded her coldly.

Lisbon sighed heavily. “I didn’t know how to handle it or what I was doing. I was scared, and I acted on impulse.”

“That’s inherently obvious. Just remember Lucy’s not the only one here who needs you. Call me when you want to stop hiding from your fears.” he said, and the line clicked. Lisbon put her head in her hand, sighing. She knew exactly who he was talking about.


	2. The Second Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you guys are interested, here's the fic playlist I came up with:
> 
> Won't Go Home Without You-Maroon 5 (Jane)
> 
> Starts With Goodbye-Carrie Underwood (Lisbon)
> 
> Cry-Kelly Clarkson (Lisbon)
> 
> Far Away-Nickleback (Jane)
> 
> Red-Taylor Swift (Lisbon)
> 
> Talking to the Moon-Bruno Mars (Jane)
> 
> Somewhere With You-Kenny Chesney (Jane)
> 
> Do You Think About Me-Carrie Underwood (Lisbon)
> 
> Goodbye In Her Eyes-Zac Brown Band (Jane)
> 
> Wine After Whiskey-Carrie Underwood (Lisbon)
> 
> Remind Me-Brad Paisley ft. Carrie Underwood (Jane & Lisbon)
> 
> When I Was Your Man-Bruno Mars (Jane)
> 
> Do I-Luke Bryan (Jane)
> 
> You'll Think Of Me-Keith Urban (Jane)
> 
> Listen To Your Heart-DHT & Edmee (Lisbon)
> 
> Highway Don't Care-Tim McGraw ft. Taylor Swift (Jane)
> 
> Hummingbird Heartbeat-Katy Perry (Lisbon & Jane)
> 
> Fall Into Me-Sugarland (Jane & Lisbon)
> 
> Close Your Eyes-Michael Buble (Jane & Lisbon)
> 
> If I Didn't Have You-Thompson Square (Jane & Lisbon)
> 
> More Than Words-Extreme (Jane & Lisbon)
> 
> In My Daughter's Eyes-Martina McBride (Lisbon & Lucy)

Chapter 2: The Second Letter

"Come on, Boss, you have to come home, it's almost Christmas. Lucy's your daughter. Don't you miss her and Jane at all? Don't you wanna see her smile again? I know you miss them. Jane hasn't been himself since you called for Lucy's birthday. " Van Pelt asked over the phone eight months later, concern in her voice.

Lisbon sighed. "Yes, I miss her, Van Pelt. I would give anything to see her again but I can't."

Van Pelt's usually soft voice turned stern. "Why not? There's nothing stopping you. You're stopping yourself and you're not telling me why."

Lisbon groaned inwardly. "It's because of Jane, ok? I can't face him after what I did to them and I don't miss him."

Van Pelt knew that Lisbon was lying. "C'mon Boss, I know there's still something between you and Jane, and you're running from it."

Lisbon was reminded fiercely of her phone conversation with Jane on Lucy's birthday.

"Just remember Lucy's not the only one here who needs you."

Lisbon sighed. "Look, Van Pelt, Jane and I had something once, just once. I wasn't thinking clearly and it was a one night thing. I didn't think it through. The only thing that connects Jane and me now is our daughter. She wasn't a mistake, but that night with him was. I just...look; I can't deal with this, ok? I can't. Not now."

"Ok, but just remember, Boss, one day you're gonna get tired of running from this, and the feelings will still be there when you stop. I promise you that." Van Pelt warned.

"I'll...see you later. Merry Christmas, ok?" Lisbon said, sighing.

"Merry Christmas, Boss." Grace replied, and they hung up. Lisbon stared out the window of her office, watching the New York snow fall, white against a dark sky. She felt her stomach twist in knots as she realized Grace was right.

~*~

Back at Jane's house, he put the finishing touches on a brightly lit Christmas tree. Jane was never one for church going, as he didn't really believe in Lisbon's God but for some reason, celebrating the commercial aspects of this well loved holiday helped him to fill the large void in his heart. It wouldn't fill it completely, he knew that. There was only one thing that would, and it was not likely to happen anytime soon. He wanted Lisbon to come home, to show Lucy all the joys of Christmas, and be a family. But Lisbon didn't want a family; she wanted to keep pretending as if that night, and Lucy, had never happened. So now it was up to him...

Jane put the last ornament on the tree with great care and the metal jingled. He sighed, looking at the picture of himself, Lisbon, and Lucy on the day she was born. It seemed like forever since that day. He reached for the metal snowflake frame, feeling the cool weight of it on his fingers. He rubbed his thumb over it lightly, wondering what Lisbon was doing tonight. Was she preparing her tree at her apartment? Was she putting gifts under her tree? Or was she at church, giving thanks for the birth of the God she so vehemently put her faith in?

Jane shook his blonde head to clear out the memories, and went to pick his daughter up from her high chair. She gurgled happily as he stood a good distance from the tree, admiring it.

He smiled at Lucy. "Your mother would be extremely proud. If only she were here to see it. One day soon, we'll see her again."

He wished he knew that for certain, but nothing seemed like it was ever going to be the same again, not while Lisbon was so far away. Jane just began putting Lucy to sleep in her crib when a knock interrupted him.

He slipped the chain out of the lock and opened the door. "Tommy?"

The other man looked at him, his arm circling the shoulders of his daughter, who was a few years older since Jane had seen her last. "Hey, Jane, we know it's late. We just wanted to stop by and say Merry Christmas before we headed off to see my sister."

Annie smiled at Jane. "Hey, Jane. How's my baby cousin?"

Jane moved aside to let them in. "She's fine, growing every day, looks just like her mother."

They stepped inside the cozy main hallway of the house, looking around, no doubt refreshing their memories. They hadn't set foot inside the house since after Lucy and Lisbon had come home from the hospital. He still remembered the day she told him she was leaving, and never coming back.

_This was a sight he had never seen before, Lisbon packing. Why was she packing so soon after Lucy was born? It wasn't right. It wasn't fair to him, but most of all, it wasn't fair to their daughter._

_Jane stepped into their bedroom, looking hurt. "Teresa? What are you doing?"_

_"I'm leaving." The words hung in the air, cold and distant._

_He tried to make sense of what she'd said, but sense wouldn't come. "What do you mean leaving? You can't leave."_

_Lisbon looked at him. "Jane...I can't do this. I can't be a mom. I don't know how and Lucy deserves better than me. You know that. Don't pretend you don't. There's nothing you can say or do that will make me stay. Find someone else, and tell Lucy I'm sorry...and that I loved her very much."_

_Jane's voice hardened with anger as he stepped closer to her. "Teresa, I am not going to sit idly by and let you leave our daughter without a mother. I won't do it. We didn't fall in love and risk everything to start a family so you could just walk out on it. We did this for us. I love you, and I know somewhere inside you love me and Lucy as well."_

_Lisbon glared at him, and her intense green eyes that he so loved became harsh and unfamiliar. "I didn't ask for this, Jane! I didn't plan on this! This wasn't supposed to happen yet!"_

_Yet. That word stopped Jane dead in his tracks. He knew what that meant. It meant that she'd been contemplating it...the idea of having a family, and having it with him._

_The realization struck him straight through the heart, and he stared at her for a few moments. "Yet?"_

_He heard the metallic zipper on Lisbon's suitcase and suddenly her voice took on an air of finality. "Yes, Jane, I did think about it, but it doesn't matter now. I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. I can't wake up every day and look into my daughter's eyes knowing I can't give her what she needs. I can't. I'm not ready to...be that person."_

_"Teresa, I'm not going to-"_

_She cut him off. "Save it, Jane, just save it. I don't want to hear it. This is my life and it's my decision, and only mine. You don't get to make that choice for me. You can't control everything, because in the real world life isn't perfect. It isn't a game you play where you already know all the answers." She smiled bitterly. "But that's the funny thing about life, isn't it? There are no answers...only more questions."_

_"Don't do this! Teresa, I swear I won't let you get on that plane." He was serious._

_"Jane, I'm done. I'm going, and don't try to stop me. Like I said, move on, you'll be happier. Trust me on that."_

_He didn't answer her and she reached on the bed and handed him a cardboard box labeled "Lucy's Letters."_

_She looked at him, holding his gaze. "Read these to her, every year on her birthday. She needs to know why I left."_

_Jane only nodded, holding the box in his hands._

_"Goodbye, Jane." She said simply, with not even a smile. He followed her out, down the stairs, and into the living room while he watched her kiss Lucy goodbye after she put her suitcase down._

_"Goodbye, sweetie. I love you very much. Be good for Daddy, ok?" He heard her say._

_She put Lucy back in her playpen and picked up her suitcase, not saying a word. He could feel the pain radiating off of her but he was too numb to say or do anything. She opened the door and dragged her suitcase down the front steps. He watched as she got into her SUV and drove away, without looking back. He held the box in his arms and sighed as realization washed over him in nauseating waves: He was never going to see her again._

Annie picked up Lucy, and Jane tried to smile as Tommy played with one of Lucy's small hands, and it quickly wrapped around his finger.

"I bet you don't remember us," Annie cooed, "we haven't seen you since you were born. You're getting so big. I'm Annie, and this is your Uncle Tommy, he's my dad."

"That's right. Annie's getting big too." Tommy chimed in, and then he turned to Jane, taking a seat on the couch.

"Have you, um, talked to Reese recently?" He started, and Jane shook his head.

"She did call on Lucy's birthday eight months ago, but she hasn't called since." He replied, as Lucy started to fuss.

Jane crossed the room and Annie handed her to him. He walked over and took a bottle of formula out of the refrigerator and warmed it in the microwave.

"Have you tried asking her to come home?" Annie questioned.

Jane looked at her. "If only I'd have thought of that," he snapped sarcastically, instantly regretting his tone.

Annie looked stunned, and Tommy put a hand on her arm.

"He didn't mean it, sweetheart. It's been rough on him lately and he hasn't been himself since your Aunt Teresa left." Tommy explained gently.

Annie's face calmed and she nodded understandingly, glancing at Jane. "I know, Dad, I know."

It was true he hadn't been himself, when Lisbon left he'd become a colder and more distant person, even to those he considered family. He only kept his job at the CBI to earn whatever meager payment they gave him so he could support his daughter. When he was working, Lucy was usually in the CBI daycare, with the children of other agents.

Tommy tried to brighten the mood of the room. "We got you something, Jane."

Jane teased the bottle to Lucy's lips and raised one golden eyebrow. "Oh?"

Lucy latched on and began to drink.

Annie smiled. "We asked Aunt Teresa what you might like."

She held a brightly wrapped box and he went to put Lucy in her crib after she finished and returned. He took the box and opened it. He pushed back the tissue paper to reveal a royal blue vest.

"Oh, wow. Thank you both. This is very kind." Jane said honestly, and Annie rose and threw her arms around him.

"You're welcome." Annie replied.

"We got Lucy something too." Tommy informed him, handing him another box as Annie took her seat again.

"I hope it fits. We asked Teresa her size." Tommy added helpfully.

At the mention of his ex-lover's name, Jane felt a pang of hurt. This was the kind of thing she should be doing, even if the thought was there. Not Grace, (she picked out the majority of Lucy's clothes whenever he gave her money.) and not Annie or Tommy. Lucy needed a mother more than anything, to show her things he couldn't. That was Lisbon's job, but Lisbon wasn't here, and he hated how often he had to remind himself of that fact.

He put the outfit away, sighing. "Thank you both."

Tommy nodded in response and got to his feet. "I think we'd better go, Annie. We have to visit your Aunt Teresa now."

"Merry Christmas, Jane." Annie said softly, as she rose to say goodbye to Lucy.

"Bye, Luc." Annie said quietly.

Jane hugged them both and shut the door behind them, feeing the most alone he'd felt since Angela died. 

~*~

Lisbon sat in her office, staring at the phone, trying not to think of all the things she'd missed in Lucy's life. Today was her daughter's second birthday and it killed her to think she hadn't been there for any of it. She missed Jane as well and even just hearing his voice made her regret leaving. She knew his voice so well that she was sure she could pick it out of a crowd if she had to. It was the voice that whispered "I love you" so often in her ear. She pushed the thoughts out of her mind to keep from crying and picked up the phone.

Jane picked up after the first ring. "Teresa."

"Hey." She said quietly.

"How are you? How are things at your new job?" he asked conversationally but she knew he was making small talk to distract himself from the fact that hearing her voice pained him.

"Good...it's good. I miss the team, though. How's Lucy?" she said, quickly switching to the only subject they had in common now.

"She's great. Grace is helping me throw her a birthday party in a few hours." He responded.

Another birthday party. Another thing to add on to the ever-growing list of things she'd missed. Grace went on and on about the last one and Lisbon had felt guiltier and guiltier the more she'd talked. She knew her reasons for leaving, and though Lisbon deeply regretted what she'd missed, it wasn't enough to pull her back home.

"A birthday party, that's great. Don't forget to read her the letter, ok?" Lisbon reminded him.

"I know. Do you want to talk to her?" Jane asked politely, hoping the sound of her daughter's voice would get her to come home. It hadn't before, but he hoped that she'd change her mind.

"Yes." Lisbon answered.

"Lucy, you're mother's on the phone." Lisbon heard Jane tell the little girl. Jane sent her pictures every year. Lucy was growing more beautiful every day. Lucy had her dark hair and his blue eyes. She saw so much of herself in Lucy now and she realized Jane must be reminded of her every day.

"Momma!" she heard Lucy squeal on the other end. She heard Jane put the phone up to Lucy's ear.

"Hi, sweetheart. Happy birthday." Lisbon said.

"Where is you, Momma?" Lucy questioned innocently. Lisbon knew Jane had told Lucy that Mommy was "away for a little while", but he didn't go much deeper than that.

"I'm..." Lisbon searched for words, trailing off.

"Momma?" Lucy said after a few seconds.

"I'm here, sweetie, I'm just...farther away." Lisbon explained finally, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Love you, Momma." Lucy said happily and she heard Jane take back the phone.

"She asks about you, you know. A lot." Jane informed her, and Lisbon sighed shakily to keep her tears from pouring out.

"I know. I'm sorry." Lisbon admitted.

"It's too late for that, Teresa. If you were as sorry as you claimed to be, you'd come home. Do you know how hard it is for me to keep telling her the same thing every time she asks? Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch her smile drop when she asks when you're coming home and I say I don't know? You say she isn't a mistake but you haven't shown me anything to convince me you think otherwise. How long do you think this can last? How long do you think your daughter can live without a mother? Whatever your reasons are, I guarantee Lucy is more important." Jane said sharply and the truth of his words stabbed her like a knife. The risk of going back was too great, she couldn't take that chance, even if he was right.

"Jane, I can't. You know I can't."

"That's a lie. You're hiding something Teresa, I know you. You want to come back but there's something in your past that you're scared of, a mistake you're afraid of making. You can't let your past control you. You're being selfish. Lucy needs you but you're spending too much time hiding from your own fears. Learn how to face them."

Lisbon's anger bubbled to the surface. "Don't you dare talk to me about being selfish! You spent your entire life chasing a serial killer for your own personal revenge, not caring about who you had to cut down or hurt to get to him!"

"I hunted him for us, Lisbon, I did this so that I could spend my life with you and not have to worry about him coming after you!"

"Bullcrap, you did this because it's what you wanted! You wanted to get revenge for you and no one else."

"Think what you want. That doesn't mean it's true." Jane replied evenly.

"I love Lucy. No matter what you think, I love her." Lisbon stated.

"Then start acting like it." Jane said coldly, hanging up.

Lisbon put down the receiver and tears started to spill from her eyes, making watery trails on her cheeks. She stood up from her desk in the bullpen and hurried into the bathroom, locking herself in a stall. Lisbon shuddered and let out a sob. She didn't want her new coworkers to see her cry; she didn't want to have to field the influx of personal questions that would inevitably follow, and worst of all, she didn't want to admit that every word Jane had said was true. She was hiding something and she knew it wouldn't be long before he discovered it. 

~*~

After the festivities were over, Grace stayed to help Jane clean up. Before long, Jane took Lucy into her room to do the still difficult task of reading Lucy the letter. He didn't want to, only because Teresa was the last thing he wanted to think about after the less-the-amicable way their phone conversation had ended, but he knew that Lucy needed some way to still be connected to her mother, even if she didn't fully understand. Grace had heard part of their conversation and elected to stay while he read it for support.

"Ready to hear your mother's next letter?" Jane asked Lucy as she climbed on his lap.

"Yeah!" Lucy replied.

Grace smiled from the doorway as Jane opened the letter and began to read:

_"Dear Lucy,_

_I'm sure you're getting so big. I can't believe you're already two. Time seems to go by so fast. I miss you every day and I love you very much. I pray every night that you'll grow up healthy and happy and that Daddy takes care of you well. I know you'll be starting school soon and that scares me a little, but I'm sure it scares Daddy more. I'm sorry I haven't been there with you but I promise I'll explain the reason why in your last letter. I promise one day I'll see you again. I miss you so much. Don't be scared of school because I know you'll do great. I love you._

_Love,_

_Mommy"_

Jane finished reading the letter and folded it up before putting it in the envelope. Grace looked at him sadly, knowing what he was feeling.

Jane looked at Lucy. "I think it's bedtime."

"Ok, Daddy. I tired." Lucy said.

Jane changed her into her pajamas and put her into her bed.

"Night, Daddy. I wuv you." Lucy said.

Jane smiled sadly. "I love you too. Remember, you are safe, you are loved and you are wise."

Lucy fell asleep and Jane walked Grace to the front door.

"Jane, I know this is hard for you. I tried to get her to come home but..." Grace started helpfully.

Jane put up a hand. "I appreciate the concern Grace, but nothing's going to bring Lisbon back. She's made that abundantly clear."

Grace smiled sadly and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, if you need anything..."

Jane nodded. "Thank you, Grace."

Grace left Jane alone & he shut the door behind her, knowing that the one thing in the world he needed most was the one thing he'd probably never have again: Lisbon.


	3. The Third Letter

Chapter 3: The Third Letter

Lisbon had been experiencing a plethora of feelings over the past year. The battle between going home to Lucy and Jane, to a family, and staying as far away as possible to protect her daughter was still being waged inside of her. She wanted to forget everything, just for a night. One night where she didn't cry herself to sleep over the choices she'd made; one night where she didn't think of how Jane's lips had once parted hers and given her a soft passionate kiss. It was that kiss that had started it all; the kiss that started the whirlwind of passion that resulted in their daughter. She remembered that night as clear as day...

_She hadn't cared that she was getting wet as she walked to Jane's motel room that night. She was hurting and she needed guidance. It wasn't just any night; it was the night before the anniversary of her mother's death. She'd been certain that if anyone understood how she was feeling, it would be him. He had told her that he loved her and that meant he would be there for her. He knew how it felt to lose someone you loved...he understood her. She remembered climbing the rickety steps and knocking on his door, soaked through to her underwear. When he'd opened the door, she remembered fighting the urge to hug him tightly._

_"Lisbon?" he said in shock._

_"I'm sorry, I know it's late. I needed help and I...I didn't know where to go." She admitted, shivering slightly in her wet clothes._

_Jane nodded understandingly. "Come in. You must be cold."_

_Lisbon stepped almost eagerly inside the warm motel room and Jane shut the door behind her._

_"I can lend you one of my shirts while we get those clothes dried off if you like." Jane offered, busying himself with making a cup of tea._

_"No, I...it's ok." Lisbon said quickly, but Jane looked at her and shook his head._

_"I'm going to help you whether you want it or not and then you can tell me why you showed up on my doorstep at eleven o'clock at night." He insisted._

_He put his tea cup down on the table and went over to his dresser, tossing her a light blue suit shirt. "Change into that. The bathroom's over there."_

_"Thank you." She muttered quickly, going into the bathroom and locking the door. She knew he was a gentleman but she wasn't taking any chances. She slipped off her wet clothes and then her underwear, taking the old hairdryer off of its wall holder to dry her underwear. She knew it wouldn't fix all of it but she wanted to have something on under his shirt._

_When she dried them as much as she could, she put them back on and slipped his shirt over them, buttoning it far enough so he couldn't see anything. She could smell his scent on it, something clean with a hint of spice._

_She left her boots in the bathroom to dry and folded her wet clothes and socks to give to him._

_When she exited the bathroom, he took her wet clothes from her._

_"Wait here, I'll only be a moment." He assured her, leaving the room. A few minutes later, he returned with her clothes and she went to put them on. She put her boots back on and came out._

_"Now that I've been so hospitable to you, why did you come here?" Jane questioned, sitting at the table and crossing his legs. He took his tea cup and saucer from the table, holding it and studying her._

_"Well, I...tomorrow's the anniversary of the day my mom got hit by that drunk driver and I...I always get really upset. I didn't know where else to turn...I didn't want to go through it alone. My brothers are always there but I needed a friend too." Lisbon explained, sitting on his bed._

_"I see." Jane said calmly, setting his empty cup down and coming to sit beside her._

_"Thank you...for being here for me, Jane." she said softly._

_"Of course, but I sense that's not the only reason you came, is it?" Jane questioned._

_"Wh-what do you mean?" Lisbon asked, giving him a look._

_"You seem like you want to tell me something else, Teresa." He said, looking into her eyes._

_It was true; she did want to tell him something else. It was a secret she'd locked up for years in hopes that he'd never see it, but him being Jane, he did._

_Before she could stop it, the words were past her lips. "I love you."_

_Jane nodded. "I know." He thought back to the night when he first said I love you. They'd agreed to wait on consummating their love._

_His lips were so close now and she desperately wanted to feel them against her own, like that first night he'd kissed her a few months before._

_Before she realized what she was doing, Lisbon leaned in, kissing him deeply._

_He kissed her back feverishly, and she felt him unbuttoning her shirt. Her fingers undid the buttons on his vest. He shrugged it off and then she started on his shirt, feeling him kiss down her neck. He broke the kiss to take his shirt off and then hers. Once everything but their underwear was off, they laid down on the bed._

_He looked down at her and cupped her cheek._

_"What's wrong?" Lisbon asked._

_"Are you sure this is what you want, Teresa? Once we do this, there's no turning back." Jane warned._

_"I know," she said with certainty._

_"Well, alright." He said softly and he captured her lips in his and they made love until daylight streamed through the room._

Lisbon remembered the day, three weeks after, that changed hers and Jane's lives forever. Once she saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, she knew they were in this together. She remembered debating telling him that she was pregnant but she decided that if he didn't want to be in the baby's life, she'd handle it herself, despite her fears. But it had been the opposite: she was the one that hadn't wanted to be in Lucy's life. She didn't want to take the chance that her worst fear would become a reality.

A voice interrupted her thoughts. "Lisbon, are you ok?"

She looked up to see her co-worker, Detective Kelly Ryder standing next to her desk.

No! she wanted to scream, I'm not ok. I want to see my daughter but I can't go home. I left her father without an explanation and I still have feelings for him.

Instead she said, "Yeah, I'm fine, Detective. Thanks."

Kelly nodded. "Ok, have a good night."

Lisbon sighed. "You too, Kelly."

With that, Kelly left Lisbon alone to think.

~*~

Jane tucked Lucy into bed and kissed her head. He loved watching Lucy sleep, just like he loved watching her mother. But lying next to Lisbon was a distant memory now. He'd always been there for her through everything, including the day Lucy was born. That was the only memory he had left of them as a family, before everything fell apart.

_He remembered being shaken awake at 5AM by a nervous Lisbon._

_"Jane..." she said quickly, "My water broke. I think she's coming."_

_"Ok, just hold on." Jane said quickly, getting out of bed as fast as he could._

_Lisbon felt a contraction and moaned slightly. "Jane..."_

_He dressed and helped her to his car, helping her into the passenger seat and buckling her in carefully. He got into the driver's side, the contractions getting more and more frequent._

_When they arrived, he got her a wheelchair and flagged down a nurse. "Her name is Teresa Lisbon; she's pregnant, her contractions are about ten minutes apart." Jane explained._

_"Ok, and you are?" the nurse inquired, getting ready to wheel her into a room._

_"Patrick Jane, her boyfriend." he said without hesitation._

_Another wave of pain hit Lisbon and he saw her grit her teeth until it passed._

_"Jane, stay with me." She requested weakly._

_He kissed the top of her head. "Let's let them get you settled in, love. I'll be right there."_

_The nurse wheeled her into the room and got her settled on the bed. "Ok, Teresa, just try and stay relaxed. The doctor will be here in just a moment to check your dilation."_

_Jane took a seat next to her bed and held her hand. "You'll be ok, just breathe."_

_A wave of pain hit her again and she clenched her teeth, this one worse than the last._

_"Easy for you to say," she spat bitterly, "you're not the one in pain."_

_"You're right, I'm not but I know you, I know that you can do this." He said calmly._

_Lisbon shut her eyes and took a deep breath, just as the doctor entered._

_"Hello, Teresa. I'm Doctor Richards. I'm just going to check how far along you are." The slender doctor said politely, sitting down._

_Lisbon nodded as the pain came again, right through her swollen stomach._

_"Alright, it looks like you're just about there; it should be about ten minutes." She explained._

_Ten minutes later, the pain intensified and Lisbon gripped Jane's hand, hard._

_"It hurts." She said softly, biting her lip._

_"I know, Teresa, I know. You're strong. Breathe in and out slowly." Jane instructed, and she did, feeling nauseous from the extreme pain._

_The doctor came in again and sat down at the end of her bed. "Ok, you're almost there, I'm gonna need you to push in 3...2...1...now. Push, Teresa."_

_Lisbon gathered all her strength and pushed, gritting her teeth through the pain._

_"I'm going to kill you, Jane. God, I'm going to kill you." Lisbon said breathlessly, flopping back against the pillow, breathing hard._

_"Ready Teresa? I'm gonna need another big push in 3...2...1...push." The doctor instructed._

_"C'mon, love, push. You're doing great. Just push." Jane encouraged, bushing away the long, wavy hair that was stuck to her forehead by sweat._

_Lisbon gathered all of her strength and pushed again._

_"I want my gun. I'm going to kill you." She threatened through clenched teeth._

_"I don't think they allow guns in hospitals, Lisbon." He informed her with a smile._

_"Screw you," she said venomously, flopping back against the pillows, "you did this to me."_

_"I believe it was a mutual decision, love. If I remember correctly, it was you who kissed me first."Jane said smugly._

_"No, it wasn't. You kissed me first, outside the CBI one night." She countered._

_"And then you kissed me in my motel room the first night we made love, remember?" he reminded her._

_"Shut up, you're being such a-" she started._

_"Ok, Teresa, last big push. Really big, ready? 3...2...1...push!" the doctor told her._

_Lisbon gathered all of her strength for the final time and pushed with Jane squeezing her hand for support._

_"She's out. Would you like to cut the cord, Mr. Jane?" the doctor asked._

_"Of course." Jane replied and he did._

_A nurse took her out to clean her up and give her the immunizations and then brought her back in and placed her in Lisbon's arms._

_Lisbon smiled weakly, her face pale and sweaty. "She's beautiful."_

_"She is," Jane agreed._

_"What do you want to name her?" Lisbon asked._

_"Lucy means light and she brought light into our lives, so that would be fitting." Jane suggested._

_Lisbon nodded. "Lucy Nicole?"_

_Jane leaned forward and kissed her forehead and then Lucy's. "Welcome to the world, Lucy Nicole Jane."_

~*~

As soon as Lisbon got home from work, she made her way through her small New York apartment to the small kitchen. She went into one of the bottom cabinets and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. She took a glass and poured some in it, swallowing it down as tears pricked the corners of her eyes. The alcohol burned her throat and she poured another glass, downing it as quick as the first.

His words swam in her mind, taunting her, reminding her. "Then start acting like it." "You're hiding something, Teresa." "You say she isn't a mistake but you haven't shown me anything to convince me otherwise."

She hated how much he knew about her and how intuitive he was. Was it too much to ask that her secrets stay secrets? Why couldn't he respect that? Grace had, she was the only one who knew where Lisbon had gone. The only one who knew she didn't want to be found. Grace had probably told the team to respect her wishes and not look for her. She knew that Grace's naivety would tell her that she'd come home, but Lisbon knew the truth. She couldn't come home, not yet anyway. There was too much at stake. Lucy was at stake.

She took another drink and sat down on the kitchen floor, feeling really drunk. She just wanted to forget. She wanted to forget her choice, Lucy, and Jane, just for one night. Tears stung her eyes and she pitched the glass into the cabinet where it shattered, but she didn't care. In a way, it was a metaphor for her life, broken, all her relationships in pieces: her and Jane, her and the team, even her and Lucy. The alcohol burned her throat again as she grabbed the bottle and took one last drink before crying again.

~*~

Lisbon rolled over in her bed the next morning with a pounding headache and a sick stomach. She shut her eyes when she saw brightness and assumed that somehow she had made it to bed after her drunken night. As soon as her eyes adjusted to the light, she hurried into the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach in the sink. As she splashed her face with water, she remembered that today was Lucy's third birthday and she was hung-over...great. Another incident to add to the list of things she'd screwed up. Soon, her phone rang. She didn't really feel like talking to anyone, but she found her phone and answered it.

"Hello?" she said, trying her best not to sound hung-over.

"Hey, Lisbon. Are you ok? You're never late to work." the voice on the other end asked.

 _Oh, God, not him, anyone but him right now._ Lisbon thought.

Ryan Connley was a temporary detective on her team after Detective Carr went on maternity leave. Though she hated herself for even thinking it, but she felt a slight attraction to him. He was handsome and funny and his personality was different from Jane's, which was kind of what she needed right now. Even though she was attracted to Ryan, she was still very much in love with Jane. She couldn't deny that.

"I'm fine, Connely, thanks." Lisbon assured him.

"You don't sound fine, you sound hung-over. Is this about your daughter? I saw a picture of you and her on your desk." he said carefully. He knew it wasn't his place to ask about her personal, but he could tell she needed the support.

Lisbon sighed, plunging in. "I left them."

"Why?" he asked.

"It's...complicated." she said softly.

He cleared his throat. "Have you talked to her father recently? Sorry if that's too personal, I know I'm only a temp."

Lisbon went quiet for a moment, sighing, "Yeah. He and I haven't had the best relationship since..."

"That's understandable. Listen, if you ever need to talk..." he started.

"Thanks. I'll be in soon." Lisbon said quickly, hanging up.

She pulled on her work clothes and went into the kitchen and cleaned up the glass on the floor before popping two aspirin and making herself a strong coffee.

She dialed Jane's house on the way out of her apartment.

~*~

Jane had just finished putting Lucy's birthday pancakes (which were shaped like unicorns) on her plate when the phone rang.

"I want my pancakes, Daddy." Lucy told him.

"One second, sweetheart." he told her, picking up the phone.

"Hey, it's me." She said on the other line.

"Have you been drinking?" he asked suspiciously, moving into another room. Damn him, he was so observant sometimes it was annoying.

Realizing there was no point in lying, she sighed. "Yeah, last night I broke down & I drank, ok?"

"You can't talk to her in this state. I'm sorry, Lisbon." Jane told her.

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm fine." Lisbon said indignantly.

"Obviously not if you've resorted to alcohol." he said calmly.

"Don't act like you're some sort of saint, when I left, tell me you didn't get drunk at least once." she snapped.

She was right. He had once, while Lucy was still a baby but after that, he never did again.

"It was only once when Lucy was a baby." he admitted.

"See, you're as guilty as I am. It was once for me too." She insisted.

Jane wouldn't budge. "I don't think you're emotionally stable enough right now, Teresa, maybe tomorrow."

Lisbon gave a mirthless chuckle. "Now _you're_ going to talk to _me_ about being emotionally stable? This coming from the man who gave up his _entire life_ to catch a serial killer."

"At least I didn't run from my problems and leave my daughter without a mother." he countered icily.

That struck a nerve in Lisbon. "You know damn well I had my reasons. I didn't have a choice."

"But you did," Jane said coldly, "and you chose to run instead of staying and letting me help you work through it."

"She's my daughter too! You're so irritating sometimes. You always have to be right about everything and you don't understand that there are secrets for a reason. My secrets are just that, mine." Lisbon said angrily.

"Relationships aren't meant to have secrets, Teresa. They're built on mutual trust. I trusted you but you couldn't trust me. You never could." Jane reminded her.

"I did trust you, Jane! But not with this, there are some things you shouldn't know. And I did have doubts, you were a con artist. How was I supposed to know that this wasn't just some sick game? That it was real?"

"It was always real, Lisbon, and it's always been real. It's still real. I still love you and I want Lucy to know what an amazing woman you are. But she's not going to learn that through five minute phone conversations every year." Jane insisted.

Lisbon sighed, trying to level her voice. "Just please let me talk to her. Please. I need to hear her voice."

"Well, if you can manage to not be hung-over and irrational tomorrow, I'll let you say a late happy birthday, until then, it's a no." Jane told her sternly.

"Goddammit, Jane." Lisbon muttered, but all she heard was a click.

After Jane hung up the phone, he came back into the kitchen and helped Lucy eat her pancakes.

While she chewed, Lucy looked at him and swallowed. "Was that Mommy, Daddy?"

Jane nodded. "Yes."

Jane watched Lucy try to figure out how to use the fork and then he showed her. "Like this, Lucy."

After she ate that piece with help, she stared at him for a minute. "Why didn't she say hi?"

He sighed. "She's not feeling well, love."

Lucy tilted her head innocently. "Why not?"

Jane searched for a reason. "Mommy's stomach hurt."

"Is she gonna come back, Daddy?" Lucy questioned, chewing on the bite of pancake Jane gave her.

"I don't know, sweetheart." He said honestly, sighing.

"I want her to. I wanna hug her, Daddy." Lucy said sadly, finishing her pancakes.

Jane kissed her head as she moved her fork around on her empty plate. "I know you do."

"You look just like her, you know." Jane said, tilting her chin up.

Lucy smiled. "I do, Daddy? She's pretty."

"Yes, you have her beautiful brown hair and her gorgeous smile. Maybe when your party starts, you can get Uncle Tommy and Uncle Michael to tell you stories about her." Jane suggested.

"Will Aunt Grace be here?" Lucy questioned, sliding off of the chair.

Jane picked her up in his arms and smiled. "Yes, and Uncle Cho and Rigsby too. Now let's go get your dress on, princess."

Soon, they made their way to Lucy's room. It had been redecorated last year with Tommy and Michael's help. The walls were half a pale pink and the other half light lavender. It was decorated with stencils of white castles with dark pink turrets, rainbows, and white unicorns with pink tails and manes. Her bed was a pink canopy bed with a castle on the bedspread.

There was a castle cutout rug on the floor next to her bed.

Lucy went into her closet and tugged on the yellow dress inside it. It was a Belle dress that Tommy had brought her when he came back from Disneyland one year.

"Can I wear this, Daddy?" she said, giggling.

"Of course." Jane said with a smile.

"If Mommy comes, we should buy her one." Lucy announced.

Jane chuckled. "And why is that?"

"Because Mommy is like Belle." Lucy said simply.

"So what does that make me then? The Beast?" Jane asked, amused.

Lucy nodded. "Yeah, but she'll fix you, Daddy."

Jane realized then that even though Lucy was only a child, she was right. Lisbon could fix him but the only problem was that he couldn't find a way to bring his angry little princess back.

~*~

By the time Lucy's guests arrived, she was all dressed up in her Belle attire, complete with tiara. When Tommy, Michael and his family, and Annie entered, Lucy ran to hug them.

"Hey, don't you look beautiful, munchkin. Happy birthday, Lucy." Michael said, picking her up.

"Hey, Luc. Happy birthday." Tommy said with a smile.

"Hi, Uncle Michael. Hi, Uncle Tommy." She greeted them.

"Hey, pretty girl." Annie said, smiling.

"Annie!" Lucy shrieked, reaching for her. Annie took her from Michael and kissed her cheek.

"How have you been?" Annie asked, just as Grace, Rigsby and Cho entered.

"Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming." Jane acknowledged them and Rigsby and Grace put their present on the table. Cho followed, depositing his on the table.

"Of course, Jane, we'd always come for Lucy." Grace said cheerfully.

After they ate a meal of chicken fingers and other snack foods, Jane brought Lucy's castle cake out to the table while everyone gathered around, including Lucy's older cousins, Brandon and Danielle, and Michael's wife, Sarah.

Jane lit the candles and everyone started singing "Happy Birthday."

When it was over, Jane bent down next to her chair and smiled. "Are you ready? We're going to blow out the candles and make a wish."

"I'm ready, Daddy." She told him.

Jane stood up and stood behind her. "Close your eyes, make a wish, and blow."

Lucy closed her eyes, made her wish, and blew. Jane blew out the ones that Lucy missed and everyone clapped.

Grace helped cut and give out the cake and Jane sat next to his daughter, helping her eat her cake.

As soon as she finished her cake, Lucy grinned. "Presents now, Daddy?"

"Sure, sweetheart." Jane said, turning her chair and handing her the first present.

"Daddy, where's Uncle Jay?" Lucy asked, meaning Lisbon's brother, James.

"He couldn't make it, sweetie. He's busy with work." Jane told her.

Lucy nodded. "Ok."

She tore into the first gift bag, which had Belle on it, as Jane took out the card.

"This one's from Wayne Rigsby and Grace VanPelt." Jane announced as he helped her get the gift out. It was a teddy bear dressed in a princess costume and a few new outfits for her to wear.

"What do you say, Lucy?" Jane prompted.

"Thanks, Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby." She responded.

Grace smiled. "You're welcome, Lucy."

"You're welcome, kiddo." Rigsby said.

Jane handed her the next bag and she tore through it and Jane read the card.

"This one's from Cho." He said

inside, there was a new doll for Lucy to play with and a magic wand that Grace had helped him pick out.

"Daddy, look! I got a magic wand! Thanks, Uncle Cho!" Lucy said happily. Cho nodded in response.

Tommy stepped forward with a wrapped gift and placed it on Lucy's lap, crouching down to her level. "This gift is special. It's from me, Annie, Uncle James, Uncle Michael, Brandon, Danielle, Aunt Sarah and Aunt Erin."

"What is it, Uncle Tommy?" Lucy questioned curiously.

"Open it." He told her, and she tore at the brightly colored birthday paper to reveal a photo album with a picture of Teresa on the front and the words, "Your Mommy, Teresa" in silver glitter at the top.

"That's my mommy." Lucy said slowly, flipping the book open to the first page. On it was the same picture that Jane had in his wallet and in a Christmas ornament: A smiling Lisbon holding a sleeping Lucy while Jane beamed next to the bed with a hand over hers. Lucy ran her fingers over her mother's face, not wanting to let her go. Once she tore her eyes away from that picture, she perused the pictures of her mother on the other pages: Teresa as a child with her brothers, Teresa as a teenager with her friends, Teresa's senior picture in high school. Teresa's first Christmas coming home from college, all leading up pictures prior, during, and after her pregnancy with Lucy. All the pictures had dates and captions as well. Lucy finished looking through the book and Jane tried hard to keep from showing sadness. Lucy flipped back to the first page, running her fingers over her mother's face again.

"Daddy?" Lucy said after a long moment.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Jane asked as Tommy put a comforting hand on Lucy's shoulder.

"I wanna hear Mommy talk again." she said softly.

Jane had explained to Tommy after Lisbon had called hung-over that he hadn't let her speak to Lucy, and though it hurt him that his sister was in pain, he'd agreed it was for the best.

"Well, you can't call her today, she's not feeling good but I brought a few videos that you might like to see after the party's over." Tommy offered.

"Ok." Lucy conceded.

~*~

After the party was over, only Tommy and Anna remained. Lucy sat in between her cousin and her father as Tommy bought in a large box of VHS tapes from the car.

He put them on the coffee table. "All of these are of your mom, Lucy. Christmases, birthdays and a whole bunch of other stuff. Which one do you wanna see first? How about the one I took a day after you were born?"

"Oh, that's a good one. Remember when Aunt Teresa threw the-"Annie started and Jane chuckled.

"Don't spoil it for her, Annie." Tommy reminded his daughter as he put the video on and took his seat on the couch.

_The video began with Tommy pointing a camera at his sister in hospital bed while she held Lucy._

_"Can we get a smile, Reese?" Tommy prompted from behind the camera, laughing._

_"Tommy, shut that thing off, Lucy's sleeping. You'll wake up and if you do that, then I'll be mad." Lisbon told him._

_"Oh, come on, Lisbon, Lucy will be fine and you want her to have something to look back on, right?" Jane added._

_Lisbon shook her head. "Ok, if he wakes her up, then you're putting her back to sleep._

_" She'll end up with something to show her how crazy her uncle is instead of something to look back on." Annie joked, and the camera turned on her, sitting in a chair._

_"Hey, don't go there." Tommy warned playfully._

_"You know it's true." Annie said simply._

_"Reese, anything you wanna say to Lucy?" Tommy asked, turning the camera on her and the baby and Jane again._

_Lisbon looked down at Lucy and sighed. "I wasn't ready for you, Lucy but I'm gonna try and be the best mom that I can and Daddy will help so I won't have to do it alone. And I hope that I get to watch you grow up and be the beautiful little girl I know you will be. I love you so much."_

_The camera turned to Jane and he looked at her. "And Jane?"_

_"I haven't had the easiest of lives, Lucy. You'll understand why when you're older but having you and you're mother around has made it so much easier. I'm incredibly happy to call myself your father." Jane said._

_On the couch, watching Jane could see in Lisbon's eyes that she didn't think she'd be a good mother, but was masking that doubt._

_The video continued on as the camera turned to Annie again. "Annie?"_

_Annie smiled on the screen. "Hey, Lucy. I'm Annie, your cousin. I hope that soon we'll be able to hang out but I want you to know that you have the best mom and Dad ever. I promise you that. Love you."_

_Finally, video Tommy turned the camera on himself. "Hey, I'm your Uncle Tommy, you're mom's brother. Annie's right, you do have good parents and I have no doubt that my sister and Jane will be great with you. I can't wait to see you grow up. I love you."_

_Then, he turned the camera back on Lisbon. "Say bye, Reese."_

_"Now, will you shut that thing off and let Lucy sleep?" She said, flicking a piece of popcorn at him from bag she had on her tray._

_Tommy laughed. "Fine, I am. Geez."_

_The camera went dark a moment later and the video went to static._

"Daddy?" Lucy said quietly after the video ended.

Jane looked at her and stroked her hair. "Yes, love?"

"Can we watch more? I wanna see Mommy." Lucy requested.

"Well, Annie and I have to get going but your Daddy can keep those for you and you can see your Mommy anytime you want." Tommy promised, kissing her cheek and getting up.

"Bye, Uncle Tommy. I'll miss you." Lucy said.

"Be good for your Dad, kiddo." Annie told her, getting up and hugging her.

Lucy frowned sadly. "Bye, Annie."

"It was good to see you, Jane." Tommy said.

Annie smiled sadly. "Bye, Uncle Jane. See you soon."

Jane got up to lock the door behind them and then put a video of one of the Lisbon Christmases in.

"Yes, but this is the last one before bed, ok?" Jane asked.

"Ok, Daddy." Lucy agreed.

When the video finished, Jane took Lucy into her room and changed her into pajamas and put her photo album in her nightstand drawer.

He went to retrieve Lisbon's third letter and when he returned, Lucy had the album on her lap while she sat on her bed, studying the hospital picture again.

"Let's put that away, it's time for your mother's letter." Jane said gently.

"Daddy, can I keep this?" Lucy asked, pointing to the picture of herself, Jane, and her mother in the hospital.

Jane thought for a moment, realizing what she wanted. "Ok, wait here."

He brought back a simple silver frame, opened up the back and put the photograph in it, closing it.

"There," he said, putting it on her nightstand, "now she'll always be with you."

"Thanks, Daddy." Lucy said, getting up so Jane could pull her covers back.

"Lay down, love, and I'll read it to you." Jane told her, and Lucy obliged, crawling into bed.

Jane tucked her in and Lucy put her thumb in her mouth as he began to read:

_"Dear Lucy,_

_I wanted this letter to be a little different. I wanted you to hear some of the memories we shared before I left. I thought I'd start with the night you said your first word. It was really late and Daddy and I were sleeping and you started crying so I went in to check on you. I calmed you down and Daddy came in, he looked really tired and worried but then you looked at him while I held you. I don't know if you knew what you were saying but you looked at him and you said, "Dada." We smiled and hugged you. The smile on his face is something I'll never forget. That's one of the things I've always loved about him, ever since we met. I wrote about how we met in one of your other letters but for now, I'll just tell you that even though we fight and I left, I still love both of you very much. Never forget that. I miss you both._

_Love,_

_Mommy"_

Jane wiped a single tear from his eye and folded the letter up and put it back in the envelope, not wanting Lucy to see him cry. He kissed her head and she looked at him.

"Daddy?" she said.

"Yes, Lucy?"

"I wished for Mommy to be home."

"As your birthday wish?"

"Yes."

"I wish that too, love. Go to sleep now and remember: You are safe, you are loved and you are wise."

He got up, flicked on her nightlight and glanced back one more time before leaving the room, the letter in his hand and a tear on his cheek.


	4. The Fourth Letter

Chapter 4: The Fourth Letter

Lisbon liked going to church. It was one of the few places where she felt calm and safe. It helped her rationalize and clear her head whenever she faced a difficult problem. She felt like she could put her faith in God and he would guide her. She walked through the covered archway to get into the New York church. Once she was inside, she walked to the front, knelt and made the cross sign on her chest, and took a seat in the first pew. The church was unoccupied except for one nun.  
  
Lisbon closed her eyes and behind to pray. “Dear God, tell me what I should do. Should I keep running from this or just face my fears? I’m so afraid of doing something wrong. And what should I do about Ryan? I think I like him but…I’m still in love with Jane…I need your guidance. Please also keep Lucy safe and healthy. Amen. ”  
  
The nun tapped her on the shoulder after she finished her prayer and Lisbon’s eyes flew open.  
  
“Sorry for interrupting but you sounded like you needed to talk.” The nun said kindly.  
  
“No, I…it’s ok.” Lisbon said quickly, knowing the nun wouldn’t approve of her and Jane’s previous affair.  
  
“If you’re sure.” The nun said, leaving Lisbon alone.  
  
Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief, she felt like everyone around her knew what she had done and secretly hated her for it. She knew it was stupid to think that way, but she couldn’t help it.  
  
She missed Lucy and she missed Jane, but her secret kept her from going back. She’d kept a lot of secrets from Jane over the years, including the fact that she was pregnant. She still remembered the fight they’d had when she told him and how angry he’d been...

 _It was the middle of the day and Lisbon’s team was at the CBI, relishing the rare downtime they had. Jane was lying on his couch, studying the stain shaped like Elvis on the ceiling. He noticed Lisbon get up to get a cup of coffee and she avoided his gaze when he looked at her. She knew he knew she was acting different and she tried to busy herself with getting a cup of decaf. She heard Jane’s footsteps behind her, and she didn’t turn around. She didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes after he figured out what she was withholding from him._  
  
_“_ _I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw you this morning. You’re reserved, you won’t make the slightest amount of eye contact with me, and you’re drinking decaf coffee. If I had to venture a guess, I’d say you were pregnant…and it’s mine.” He said in a low voice._

 " _I’m not.” She mumbled her back still to him but she knew he would see right through her, he always did.  
_  
_Jane continued. “I‘d also guess you’ve known for a few weeks now. Look me in the eye and tell me I’m lying. Tell me that’s not the truth.”_  
  
_She finally turned around, looking down. “You’re right. It is yours and I’ve known about two weeks now.”_  
  
_“Look at me, Teresa. Look at me right now. Why didn’t you tell me?” he said sternly._  
  
_She raised her head, glaring at him. “Because I didn’t know if I was going to tell you! I didn’t even ask for this, Jane!”_  
  
_Jane’s voice hardened. “You don’t get to make that decision alone. It’s my child too. I have a right to be its father.”_  
  
_Lisbon’s voice hardened too. “I’m not even sure that I’m ready for this. I don’t know how to be a mom and I’m scared that I’m gonna screw something up!”_  
  
_Jane studied her, his blue eyes cold. “We were supposed to do this together, Teresa, and we’re going to. This baby is as much my child as it is yours. There’s something else you’re hiding, some kind of fear in your past and you’re running from it instead of letting me help you with it.”_  
  
_Lisbon didn’t break her eye contact, trying not to break down. “We can’t, Jane. Once you see why, you won’t wanna raise this kid with me. I can’t do it.”_  
  
_“You don’t know that. You just have to trust me.” Jane said._  
  
_Lisbon scoffed. “Trust you? After you lied to me and went behind my back all these years? Right.”_  
  
_“I had a right to know. If this was some childish attempt to get back at me out of spite, it was poorly thought out.” He said sharply, trying to pretend as though her comment hadn’t cut through him like a knife._  
  
_“You know what? I don’t wanna talk about this right now!” Lisbon said angrily._  
  
_“Fine, keep running, Teresa. These days it seems that’s all you ever do.” Jane said coldly, his words hanging in the frigid air they’d created between them. Soon, he turned on his heel and walked away._  
  
_She felt tears prick at the corner of her eyes and she turned away, feeling them burn behind her eyelids as she pretended to be busy with something. Who was he to judge? After all the lies and crap he put her through over the years? She held the tears in longer still, she’d be damned if she’d let him see her cry._

Lisbon stood and walked out of the church, wishing she could take everything back and wishing that her secret wasn’t keeping her from home. She wished that she didn’t have to fear the secret and what would result from it if she went home.

_~*~_

Lucy had been dwelling incessantly on her mother. She’d asked more and more questions about her, so much so that sometimes Jane didn’t know how to answer them. She looked often at the photo book and watched the home videos sometimes two to three times a week. In fact, at that moment Jane, at Lucy’s request, had put on the video that depicted her mother’s first Christmas home from college with her brothers. Jane was watching her as he waited for his hot water to boil on the stove in the kitchen.  
  
_The video started shakily, pointing at Teresa, sitting in a jersey, which she pulled over her legs, embarrassed._  
  
_“Say hi, Reese!” James said from behind the camera, laughing._ _“It’s 6:30AM, Jay. I’m not even awake yet.” Lisbon said tiredly._  
  
_“Well, get awake, it’s your first Christmas since you started college. It’s something to celebrate.” Tommy added, tossing her a present._  
  
_“Can I go back to bed and get up in like five hours?” Lisbon complained._  
  
_“I guess we’ll have to wake her up, won’t we? Hey, Mike!” James yelled, grinning at Tommy._  
  
_Mike shook up two cans and tossed one to Tommy, who caught it._  
  
_“Ready…aim…fire!” James ordered from behind the camera, in a fit of laughter, the camera shaking up and down._  
  
_Once it steadied, it showed Lisbon being sprayed with a barrage of colored silly string._  
  
_She put her hands up to keep it from getting on her face, trying hard not to laugh. “Guys, this isn’t funny, stop it!”_  
  
_Tommy smiled and kept pelting her. “I’d say it is. C’mon, Reese, laugh for once.”_  
  
_They kept laughing and spraying her until the cans ran out and dropped them when they saw the look on her face._  
  
_“I’m going to kill you guys, and you’re cleaning it up!” she warned._  
  
_They smirked. “Nope, don’t think we will.”_  
  
_“Tommy! Mike! I swear to God!” she said, getting up as Tommy and Mike ran out of the room._  
  
_“Get back here!” Teresa said, running after them._  
  
_She chased them through the house, James laughing and taping it._  
  
_When they got tired, they all sat down in the living room again._  
  
_“C’mon, Reese, you gotta admit it was fun.” James said reasonably and Lisbon smiled._  
  
_“Yeah, it kinda was,” She concurred, “But you guys are still cleaning that up and Jay, you better not have recorded that.”_  
  
_“I might’ve…” he replied slyly, and her expression changed._  
  
_“Jay, give me the camera.” she told him sternly._  
  
_James just laughed. “Don’t be mad, Reese.”_  
  
_“Jay, turn it off!” she said, annoyed._  
  
_“Ok, ok, sorry.” he apologized._  
  
_The video then went to static._  

Jane came in the room with his tea and sat next to Lucy.  
  
“How was the video?” he asked, smiling.  
  
“Funny. I wanna see Mommy.” Lucy answered, looking up at her father.  
  
Jane sighed heavily, hating when she said that, mostly because he couldn’t give her what she desperately craved. She craved the love and advice that only a mother could give. He thought of all the things that Lucy would inevitably ask him when she reached teen years, all about make-up and her infatuations with various boys. He knew that he’d be unfit to answer any of these questions and he knew Lisbon would be unwilling to help, as she wanted to distance herself from Lucy and from her responsibilities to her. He’d try to contact Lisbon when the need arose but he wasn’t holding out much hope that she’d help. All he could do was hope that Lucy grew up strong and self-sufficient like her mother and like what he’d wished Charlotte could’ve grown up to be.  
  
“I know you do, sweetheart, I know.” Jane replied sadly, sipping his tea.

 

~*~

Lisbon sat in her office alone. It was nearing midnight in New York and she prayed that she’d finish her case reports and actually get some sleep that night. Between work and the constant fear looming of another fiasco like the one last year when she called for Lucy’s birthday, she’d hardly slept. The process of forgetting what she’d done had proven to be an impossible task. At the same time, tomorrow she wanted to redeem herself. She wanted to earn back the right to call her daughter again. Soon, she decided that she didn’t want to burden herself with all that at the moment and just go home. She was tired, and desperately needed sleep. She packed up her bag and exited her office, bumping into someone. When she saw who it was, she groaned internally. He was the last person she wanted to see right now or maybe, though she hated to admit it, the first.  
  
“Oh, Lisbon, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.” He apologized quickly.  
  
“No, it’s ok, Connley…I…I have to get home.” She faltered, trying not to look into his eyes.  
  
“Though I know you’re not an easy person to miss.” He complimented with a smile.  
  
Oh my God, Lisbon thought, is Ryan actually flirting with me? No, not tonight. I can’t do this I-  
  
His voice interrupted her thoughts. “Would you…like to go get drinks with me tonight? You look like you could use it.”  
  
Lisbon thought about Jane and contemplated refusing his invitation, but she realized that lately much of her time had been spent thinking about Jane and she decided one night of forgetting him wouldn’t be too terrible.  
  
She smiled. “Ok, just one.”  
  
“Good, there’s a little bar on Lexington and 9th. Meet you there.” He told her with a small but kind of gorgeous smile.  
  
When Lisbon got to the bar, she went inside and looked for Ryan. A couple of guys turned their eyes towards her, giving her a rather obvious once over but she ignored them.Finally, she found him leaning up against the bar with a whiskey in his hand. He smiled at her and was surprised to feel her heart flutter. The only person that had ever done that, she felt a pang of guilt, was Jane. No, she wasn’t going to think about him tonight. Patrick Jane had been on mind for far too long and she wasn’t about to give into letting him invade her thoughts tonight.  
  
“Teresa.” He said in an unintentionally sultry voice that almost made her forget to reply.  
  
“Hey, Ryan.” she finally managed, cursing herself for getting so weak-kneed. She knew that every girl in this bar was probably undressing Ryan with their eyes and/or plotting the best way in which to murder her, but she didn’t care.  
  
Ryan took a slow sip of his whiskey. “So, what can I get you? It’s on me.”  
  
Lisbon cleared her throat and leaned on the bar. “I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.”  
  
Ryan signaled to the bartender. “She’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.”  
  
She didn’t drink much but she usually monitored it and she definitely would tonight. She wasn’t going to let whiskey keep her from talking to Lucy this year.  
  
The whiskey burned her throat as she swallowed a sip and put the glass down.  
  
“So, how are you and Jane doing?” he asked conversationally.  
  
This was the question she dreaded, she hated it but she would answer it, just so he would stop asking.  
  
“Jane and I…aren’t together anymore…haven’t been for a few years.” She admitted.  
  
He nodded and took a thoughtful sip of whiskey. “So you aren’t…seeing anyone right now?”  
  
She shook her head. “No, I’m not. Why?”  
  
Ryan swallowed. “Because I like you, Teresa. I know I’m just a temp, but you have certain…tenacity and strength about you that I find extremely attractive.”  
  
She sighed. “But Ryan, I’m your boss.”  
  
He nodded. “It wouldn’t be like a permanent thing, you know. It could just be casual, whatever you want.”  
  
She nodded, and the words were out of her mouth before she realized it. “Casual’s fine.”  
  
He finished his last of whiskey. “By the way, you have beautiful eyes.”  
  
“Thanks.” she said slowly, finishing hers.  
  
“You’re welcome.” he said with another melt-worthy smile.  
  
She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Thanks for the drink.”  
  
He nodded in response and paid as she started to walk away.  
  
“Teresa…” he said a moment later, and she turned.  
  
“Would you like to come back to my place?” he asked.  
  
She thought of Jane once more before pushing him out of her mind. “Yes.”

 

~*~

 

Lisbon awoke to the sound of a shower and for a moment she sleepily wondered where she was. But as she took in the modern silver walls and the all black furniture, she knew exactly where she was…and what she’d done.  
She sat up, holding the silver sheet up against her body as a still damp Ryan came out of the shower with a towel around his waist, running a hand through his wet hair. Even though deep inside, she still held love for Jane, she had to admit that Ryan was attractive…and he’d helped her to forget Jane, if only for a night.  
  
He smiled when he saw her. “Hey, babe, you’re up.”  
  
“Yeah…last night was great.” She said with a smile, trying to hide the guilt she was already beginning to feel.  
  
He leaned down and gave her a few pecks on her lips. “It was, wasn’t it?”  
  
Lisbon looked over at the clock and frowned. “Oh, crap. We’re gonna be late for work.”  
  
“That’s not good.” Ryan agreed, heading off to get dressed. Lisbon pulled on her tank top, jeans, and boots quickly. She was just pulling on her blazer when her cell phone rang. She kneeled one knee on the bed and grabbed her cell phone off the nightstand without checking who it was as Ryan came out of the bathroom.  
  
“Hello?” she asked.  
  
“It’s me.” Jane said on the other end.  
  
Lisbon’s heart sank like a rock. “Hey.” She said casually, wondering if he could sense her guilt.  
  
“Lucy wants to talk to you. Are you busy?” Jane asked politely.  
  
Shit. It’s Lucy’s birthday and I just slept with my temp detective who I’m attracted to and my ex-boyfriend who I still might be in love with is on the phone. Fantastic. Lisbon thought sarcastically.  
  
“No, no, I’m just…” Lisbon started.  
  
“Is that work, babe?” Ryan asked, and Lisbon shut her eyes tightly, taking a deep breath, bracing herself for the incoming onslaught of questions from Jane, and preparing herself to her the pain in his voice when he finally figured it out. She ignored his question and walked into his kitchen so he couldn’t hear.  
  
His questions were simple. “Where are you, Teresa? Who was that?”  
  
She took a deep breath. “I’m at an apartment…owned by temporary detective, Ryan Connley.”  
  
Jane stayed silent, processing what this meant. “Teresa…are you sleeping with him?”  
  
“Jane, we’ve been broken up for years, that’s none of your business. You have no right to be jealous and you know it.” Lisbon said coldly.  
  
Jane’s voice took on a sharp edge. “I’m not, I assure you. I know you’re sleeping with him, Lisbon. I’d just appreciate if you’d own up to it. I’m past the point of caring whose bed you end up in. If you search long enough, you’ll eventually find one that suits you.”  
  
Lisbon was stunned and angry; he had no right to say something to her like that. If he was there, she would’ve slapped him. She knew he was hurt and angry, but in her mind he had no right to be.  
  
Her voice hardened. “Really? Because it seems like you’re interested since you asked point-blank about my sex life which you have no business knowing about anyway. I’m not _yours_ anymore, Jane.”  
  
Jane gave a mirthless chuckle. “You act like you’re not still in love with me, Teresa, but I guarantee that if I slept with someone tomorrow, that rule wouldn’t apply to you.”  
  
Lisbon was angry now. “You don’t always have to stick your noses in other people’s damn business, Jane, especially not your ex-girlfriend’s! Emphasis on the _ex_.”  
  
Jane’s voice became even. “Ok, then I guess since you obviously don’t want to communicate with me any longer, you don’t want to communicate with Lucy either.”  
  
“Dammit, Jane! She’s my daughter! You can’t do that!” Lisbon said, outraged.  
  
“Oh, can’t I? Watch me.” Jane said heatedly, and she heard a click.  
  
She ran a hand through her hair, pacing. He was right, she was still very much in love with him, and the night she’d had with Ryan was wrong. She knew that. He couldn’t take Lucy away from her; she wouldn’t let him. She stared at her phone for only a minute before redialing his number.  
  
“What do you want?” he said sharply.  
  
“I’m sorry, ok? Please let me talk to her.” Lisbon half-begged.  
  
“No.” Jane said flatly.  
  
“Please. Just one minute.”  
  
“Not a chance, Teresa. What makes you think you’ve done anything to continue earning that right? A five minute phone call every year does not mean you’re in her life. She barely knows you. The only thing she has of you is a photo album your brothers made, some home videos, and those damn letters you make me read her every year. I wanted you to come back, and I still want you to come back, but if you’re going to lie about everything and keep secrets, I may begin to question whether you’re even fit to be around her. Only you can make that choice, Teresa.” Jane told her.  
  
“But…” she started, trying to find words.  
  
“My decision is final until you show me cause to think otherwise.” he said, and there was a click.  
  
“Is everything ok, Lisbon?” Ryan asked.  
  
“No, it’s not.” she snapped, getting ready to leave.  
  
“Will we do this again?” he asked.  
  
“No, we won’t.” she simply, walking out the door. She was in love with Jane, she knew that for certain now, and she was determined to show him she could change.

 

~*~

 

Jane made sure he was in a good mood for Lucy’s party, but it was extremely difficult to hear her wish for the return of a mother who was currently unfit to raise her. That’s why when the time came to read Lucy her fourth letter, he very nearly ripped it up and threw it in the trash. He realized though, that these letters gave Lucy something he could never give her: hope. Hope that her mother would return to her. Hope that she would get the chance to do things other girls did with their mothers. He couldn’t bear to take that away from her because though he was mad at Lisbon, he didn’t want to rob his daughter of the one thing she had left of her.  
He put his daughter into her PJs and tucked her in, holding the letter in his hand.  
He opened it and read:

 

 _“Dear Lucy,_  
_By now, you’ve reached your fourth birthday and I’m sure you’re getting more beautiful every day. I think about you all the time and I love you very much. This time, I wanted to tell you why we named you Lucy. I told you in your first letter that Daddy and I didn’t plan on you, but you weren’t a mistake. That’s still true. Daddy said we should name you Lucy because Lucy means light, and you definitely have brought so much of it into our lives. God blessed us with you and we’re so proud to be your parents. I know that one day you’ll go on to do great things, like be a cop like me, or a doctor, maybe. Whatever you decide, you’ll always be able to shine. One day, I hope I’ll be able to hug you and tell you how proud I am of you._  
_Love,_  
_Mommy”_

 

Jane put the letter away and sighed, hoping that for Lucy’s sake and his own, Teresa would change…and finally come home where she belonged.


	5. The Fifth Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added two new songs to the playlist, so check them out:
> 
> Love Somebody-Maroon 5
> 
> My Dilemma-Selena Gomez

Chapter 5: The Fifth Letter

Jane dropped Lucy off at the CBI daycare center, still fuming at Lisbon for what she’d done last year. He knew she wasn’t his anymore and he had no right to be jealous but there was anger inside of him. He knew she didn’t love this man. He was an escape from Jane and Lucy, but Jane didn’t want to think about Teresa right now. He wanted to immerse himself in work and forget about her and her, (he shuddered to think of it), boyfriend. He walked into the bullpen to see Grace, Rigsby, and Cho at their desks. He tried not to look towards Lisbon’s office, which had been empty for years on account of the fact that he’d resisted all of Bertram’s attempts to put a new senior agent in her place.

“Hey, Jane. How are you?” Grace asked politely.

“Fantastic.” Jane said bitterly.

“Did something happen with the boss?” Rigsby asked.

“No, nothing happened, and furthermore, if it had, I don’t see how it would be any of your business.” Jane snapped irritably, going into the kitchen to make himself some much needed tea.

Rigsby cast a wounded look at Grace. “He’s acting weird. I mean, weirder than usual.”

“I know, something’s definitely wrong…and I bet it has everything to do with Lisbon.” Grace agreed in a low voice.

“She must’ve hurt him or something.” Cho reasoned, leaning back in his chair.

“You mean more than she already has?” Grace asked, biting her lip.

Rigsby was just about to reply when Bertram entered the bullpen. Jane went past him and took a seat on his couch.

“Excuse me; can I have everyone’s attention please? I have some pressing matters to discuss with you all.” Bertram announced.

Jane set down his tea cup. “Oh, yes, please enlighten us with more of what is certain to be a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense.”

Bertram frowned at him. “You’re lucky I’m in such a forgiving mood today, Jane or passing a comment like that would’ve gotten you fired or at the very least, suspended.”

Jane waved his comment away. “Meh, you need me too much. Now, just commence with whatever boring nonsense you have to share with us.”

Bertram sighed. “As all of you are probably aware, it is the fifth year since Agent Lisbon left us. Due to resistance by Jane,” he shot a poisonous glare at him, “I have been delaying the act of putting a new head in her place. She has made it clear she will not be returning in which case, I feel this course of action is necessary as of late. Agent Cho, you were a great interim leader and I know this will take some adjustment on all of your parts, considering I’m acutely aware of loyal you all are to her, but this can’t go on anymore.”

The team looked horrified and Grace stood up.

“Sir,” she said sharply, “you can’t do that! I’ll get her to come back! I promise!”

“Agent VanPelt, I’m aware that this is hard, but this is what I have decided. This is what’s best for the CBI and more importantly, for this team.” Bertram responded sternly.

Grace sat in her chair, defeated; casting helpless looks at Rigsby, Cho, and Jane.

Rigsby, sensing Grace’s pain, stood up. “Sir, if you just give us a little more time, I I’m sure we could-“

Bertram held up a hand. “My decision is final.”

Grace glanced at Jane, looking for help but Jane just sipped his tea. He’d been fighting for her and begging her to return for far too long, allowing himself the luxury of believing that she would come back. He’d believed that for almost four years and it had yielded no result, so he decided it was time for a change, and that there was no use fighting the inevitable.

“Allow me to introduce your new boss, Senior Agent Katherine Hill.” Bertram said.

A pretty brown haired woman with blue eyes and professional-looking suit on stepped out from behind him. Her hair was in a tight ponytail. The team surveyed her carefully, wondering how Jane could ever have allowed this.

“Hello. I’m your new senior agent. My name is, as Director Bertram pointed out, Katherine Hill. I keep an open office at all times because I believe team communication is important. If you have any concerns or questions, don’t hesitate to ask.” She said brightly.

Jane could see the despite her bright manner, she was harboring some kind of trauma in her past but he decided he wouldn’t interfere just yet. The team then watched her retreat into the office that had once belonged to Lisbon.

~*~

Grace couldn’t believe that this was happening. A new boss replacing Lisbon? She had to stop this; she had to get Lisbon to come home, once and for all. She’d be damned if she was going to let her best friend shy away from her responsibilities anymore.

Lisbon picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” Grace could tell by her voice that Lisbon hadn’t been sleeping well.

“You need to come home, for real this time.” Grace said bluntly, cutting no corners.

Lisbon blew out a heavy breath. “I told you…”

“I don’t care what your reasons are anymore! I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, Boss, but now I’m gonna tell you the truth…Bertram replaced you! He replaced you!” Grace burst out angrily.

Lisbon was shocked. She’d expected this eventually but last year when Grace called, she’d informed her that Jane was adamant that he would not work with anyone but Lisbon. 

Once Lisbon found the words to speak, she swallowed. “Jane didn’t say anything?”

There was a long pause on the other end, as if Grace was deciding whether to tell her. “No…he didn’t.”

Lisbon’s mouth went dry. “He really didn’t say anything?”

“No, I looked at him for help but he just sipped his tea. But I mean, can you blame him? He’s been counting on you to come back for four years. That’s a long time to wait, Boss. I think he just got tired of fighting…but maybe if you come back…”

“No,” Lisbon said quickly, “you’ll be fine. I’m sure the new boss will take good care of you guys. Good luck, VanPelt. Tell the team I said hi.”

Van Pelt’s voice hardened slightly. “I don’t know what it is you’re running from, Boss, but I’m gonna find out.”

Lisbon groaned. “Great, you sound just like him.

“Good, but remember that even if I don’t, he will. You can’t hide secrets from Jane for long.” Grace warned before hanging up.

Lisbon didn’t want to admit it but Grace’s warning rattled her. Not because she was afraid Grace might find out, no that she could deal with. It was the fact that she was certain Jane would find out first…and that he would hate what he found out.

~*~

Jane tucked Lucy into bed that night, kissing her head. She grabbed her well-loved unicorn plush and snuggled the soft animal close to her body.

“Go to sleep now, love, and remember: you are safe, you are loved and you are wise.” Jane reminded her softly, getting up.

“Daddy…?” came Lucy’s small voice.

“Yes, sweetheart?” Jane asked.

“Can you tell me a story?” Lucy asked tiredly.

Jane smiled. “Which one?”

Lucy smiled. “The one with the princess.”

Jane chuckled and sat down on the bed. “Of course, but then you have to go to sleep, ok?”

Lucy nodded, her dark hair spread out on one side of the pillow. “Ok, Daddy.”

“Now,” Jane said, “let’s see if I can remember how it starts…”

He thought for a moment. “Ah, I’ve got it…Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there was a beautiful princess. She was sought by every man in the kingdom, including a prince from another land. The prince constantly stayed around the princess, annoying her and teasing her but secretly, the prince was very much in love with the beautiful princess and before long, the princess fell in love with him too and they had a gorgeous daughter. The king found out about the prince and princess’ relationship and told them they couldn’t be together but the princess, fiery and strong-willed, wouldn’t hear of that. So, the king demanded that to stay together, they must marry and take his place on the throne. So, in a few months, after an amazing wedding, they took the throne as king and queen, with their little princess at their side. The End.” Jane said dramatically, kissing Lucy’s head.

“Daddy?” Lucy said quietly.

“Yes, love?” Jane said.

She looked at him. “Is the king and queen you and mommy?”

Jane smiled, proud of his daughter’s intuitiveness. “They could be…you never know. Go to sleep now, Lucy, ok?”

Lucy nodded. “Ok, Daddy. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jane said, bending down to flick on her nightlight. Once it was on, he looked back at his sleeping daughter one last time before leaving the room. Tomorrow was Lucy’s fifth birthday, it marked yet another year of Lucy’s life that her mother had not been present for and Jane dreaded having to read a letter that would again instill hope in Lucy when he knew in his heart that hoping for her mother’s return was useless.

~*~

The next day, Lucy’s birthday, Lisbon reached for the phone on her desk. It was time for her yearly call, the call that would give her daughter false hope of her return. The secret was deep inside her and it continued to remind her why she couldn’t go back. She’d be a bad mother and Lucy needed anyone but her. She remembered the first Jane left her alone with Lucy, a week or two after she’d been born.

_Lucy wouldn’t stop crying and Lisbon didn’t know the first thing about how to make her stop. It seemed all Lucy did was cry. She’d cry when she woke up, when she was hungry, and when she wet herself. Jane was better at this, he always had been. Granted, he’d had a daughter before Lucy, so he had a far greater grasp on how to soothe a crying child. She picked Lucy up from her bassinet and rocked her but Lucy wailed louder still._

Shut up! _Lisbon wanted to scream but restrained herself. It seemed like Lucy’s cries were the only sound she’d heard since they brought her home. The more she heard it, the more irritating it became._

_“Shut up!” Lisbon finally burst out, unable to stop it. “Shut up!”_

_At this, Lucy’s cries rang out, shrill and louder than before._

_“Stop it!” Lisbon said again but in vain. She was becoming increasing annoyed at Lucy and angry at herself for her inability to be a sufficient mother to her child._

_She decided it would be best to distance herself from Lucy until Jane got back so she went downstairs and sat on the couch, listening to Lucy cry. She was a failure as a mother, and she’d never be what Lucy needed. As that realization hit her, she put her head in her hands and cried. She wanted desperately to be a good mother to Lucy but the secret she was hiding made her incapable of that and she knew it._

_A few hours later, Jane came home and she quickly wiped her face, not wanting him to see her cry._

_“Teresa, why is Lucy crying?” he asked, going up to get her. Lucy calmed down after Jane brought her downstairs and held her._

_Lisbon held in a sob. “I…I didn’t know what she wanted. When I held her, she didn’t stop and I…didn’t know what to do. I can’t do this, Jane. I can’t…be a mom. I can’t do this. I told you.”_

_Jane held Lucy and sat next to her on the couch. “Yes, you can. Why can’t you? I can help you, you just need to trust me.”_

_“That’s easy for you to say. You already had a daughter. You know how to do this. I don’t. I’m scared.”_

_“You don’t think that when Angela and I had Charlotte we weren’t scared?” She could hear his voice quavering, struggling to hold in his tears. “We were terrified but we got through it…together. You and I can get through it too. I promise.”_

_“I told you that there’s a part of me that you won’t like if you see it…that’s still true and it scares me more than anything else…” Lisbon said._

_“What is it?” Jane asked._

_Lisbon didn’t meet his eyes. “I…I can’t. If I tell you, it will destroy everything we have. I can’t.”_

_Jane took her hands in his. “Teresa, please…”_

_“No!” she burst out, pulling back her hands. “I worked so hard to make sure no one ever sees that side of me and no one ever will, not even you. I love you, Jane, but I have to keep that secret inside of me.”_

_Jane looked in her eyes, his voice serious. “Fine, keep it then, but don’t think I won’t discover it. You can’t hide it forever, Teresa. All secrets surface eventually.”_

Lisbon sighed, shaking her head to clear the memory from her mind. She had no doubt that what he told her all those years ago would eventually ring true. When it did, though, she was sure he would hate her or worse…that he would forbid her to talk to Lucy ever again. He had nearly done it, once or twice, and she was afraid this new information would be the thing to push him over the edge. Regardless, she picked her desk phone up and dialed Jane’s number.

~*~

At Jane’s home, he stopped pulling a dozen cupcakes out of the oven for Lucy’s fifth birthday party to check the caller ID on the phone. He didn’t have to think who it could possibly be. He knew it was her, calling to give his daughter false hope that she would return but he knew she wouldn’t. She was too concerned with protecting her supposedly dangerous secret, which he was slowly starting to unravel.

“Teresa.” He said without emotion.

He tried not to care for her but he’d be lying to himself if he said he still didn’t. The sound of her voice still briefly stopped his heart and he was sure that the sight of her would make his breath catch in his throat until he was lightheaded. Often there were nights when he’d lie in bed, unable to sleep, thinking of her. He would think of her hair, falling around him as they lay in bed. He’d think of her smile; it was one of the most beautiful things in the world, and he longed for the days when he was the cause of it. Lastly, he’d think of her eyes. Those sparkling green eyes that reminded him of the emeralds on the diamond necklace and earring set he’d bought her once. She was a part of him, whether he liked it or not, and she was a part of Lucy, albeit an absent part.

“Hey.” Lisbon said slowly, trying to figure out what to say. She knew she was probably the last person on Earth he wanted to talk to after what she’d done to him and she couldn’t blame him for that. She needed to talk to Lucy and there were things that needed to be said.

There was a long pause and for a moment she thought he’d hung up on her. “You want to talk to Lucy.”

It wasn’t a question; he knew exactly why she’d called. It was the same request every year.

Lisbon bit her lip. “Yeah, I do but Jane, there’s something I need to tell you first.

“Yes?” Jane queried, waiting for her to speak.

“I…broke up with Ryan…” Lisbon admitted, waiting for his reaction.

“And what made you think that I would care about whether your pathetic relationship imploded? It was never love, Teresa, you know that. It was an escape. Your brief time with him was most likely spent trying to forget me. That’s why you slept with him. You wanted a distraction from your life and your mistakes.” Jane told her matter-of-factly.

“I did love him. You don’t know how I felt about him. I hate how you always feel the need to tell me what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling when you don’t know the first thing about me.” she defended hotly, but as soon as the words left her mouth she knew they were a lie.

“You broke up with him because you are still in love with me.” Jane stated.

Lisbon ignored him. “Put Lucy on.”

A few seconds later, Lisbon heard Lucy take the phone.

“Hi, Mommy!” Lucy said happily, oblivious to the amount of pain her parents were in. Lisbon liked it that way; she was too young to be dragged into this mess. Besides, it wasn’t her problem. It was her mother and father’s cross to bear. She deserved to be free and happy and enjoy all the joys of childhood…even if those joys did not include her.

Lisbon’s heart sank like a rock. “Hi, sweetie. Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, Mommy! Guess what?!” Lucy asked excitedly.

Lisbon smiled at that. “What?”

Lucy giggled. “I’m having a big party today! Aunt Grace is helping Daddy.”

“That’s great, sweetie.” Lisbon said sincerely, loving that her daughter was so happy.

“Daddy made cupcakes too!” Lucy informed her happily.

“Did he?” Lisbon said.

“Yeah, they’re chocolate!” Lucy proclaimed happily. It scared Lisbon how much her daughter was like her. Lisbon loved chocolate and apparently, so did her daughter. Every day, her daughter became more like her and that was what Lisbon loved and feared the most.

“Chocolate’s my favorite too.” Lisbon informed her with a chuckle.

“Ok, Lucy, say goodbye to your mother. Your party will be starting soon.” Jane reminded her.

“Bye, Mommy. I love you. Please come back.” Lucy begged and Lisbon felt sick to her stomach.

“I…I can’t, Luc. I’m sorry.” Lisbon faltered, trying to hold in her tears.

“Why not?” Lucy asked innocently.

“Because…I can’t be a good mom to you.” Lisbon answered weakly.

Lucy tried not to cry. “Please, Mommy. It’s what I want for my birthday…”

Lisbon bit her lip hard to keep from crying or feeling sick. She was right. She couldn’t be a mom…because she was a horrible person.

A moment later, she heard Jane take the phone back.

“How could you? She begged you to come back and you gave her some weak excuse like you always do. Every year, she waits for your call, just to end up with the same crushing disappointment. I don’t even care about you sleeping with that man anymore. Now, your choices are directly affecting Lucy and I can’t have that. I was nice enough to overlook that when she was younger but I can’t do it anymore. You need to get over whatever trivial reason is keeping you away from her and do your job as a mother. Show her you care by coming back…or don’t call again.” He said icily, and she heard a click.

~*~

Lucy’s birthday was a happy affair, as it always was, but he could tell she was upset that her mother wasn’t coming back. She blew out the candles and dutifully interacted with her guests but nothing would be as good a present as her mother’s return. Jane knew that was far from possible. Once all the presents had been opened and the cake had been eaten, Jane and Lucy settled down in their pajamas on the couch to read her mother’s fifth letter. He was again angry at her and didn’t want to read the letter to her, but he did so despite his misgivings about instilling false hope in Lucy. He opened the letter carefully and cleared his throat, beginning to read:

_“Dear Lucy,_

_I can’t believe you’re five already. I know I’ve been absent for a while and I want you to know I still regret everything about my decision. I love you and miss you so much and I pray every night you’re doing well. Anyway, I wanted to share another memory that I have of you before I left. I already told you about your first word so this time I decided I’d tell you about the first time I held you in my arms. That’s one of my favorite memories because it felt so amazing to hold you and know that Daddy and I had created something as wonderful as you. I’ll never forget the smile on Daddy’s face when he first saw you. When he looked at you, there was pure love in his eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier. We were both so proud of you and how beautiful you were and we still are. We only want the best for you and I know you’ll get it. You get more and more beautiful in every picture I see of you. You’re my whole world, Lucy, never forget that._

_  
Love, Mommy.”_

__~*~_ _

__As soon as Jane finished reading the letter, there was a knock at the door and Jane rose to get it as Lucy looked over with interest._ _

__“Who is it, Daddy?” she asked as he opened the door._ _

__“Grace, what brings you here?” Jane asked, perplexed._ _

__“Auntie Grace!” Lucy said happily and Grace waved._ _

__She handed him a box with the return address colored over with black marker._ _

__“I forgot to give this to you when I came over earlier. It was sent to my house. It’s a birthday gift for Lucy. I was supposed to make sure she got it.” Grace explained, as Jane took the box._ _

__“Thank you, Grace.” He said quickly and she nodded, leaving as he shut the door._ _

__He looked at the package and he could just make out the name in the corner: Teresa Lisbon._ _

__He felt numb. Why would Lisbon send Lucy a birthday gift now? She’d never sent one before. He suddenly found himself wondering what had changed within her. Was she trying to make up for the four years of pain she’d caused?_ _

__Lucy’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. “What’s that, Daddy?”_ _

__Jane sighed, wondering how to tell her. “It’s a birthday gift…from your mother.”_ _


	6. The Sixth Letter

Chapter 6: The Sixth Letter

Lucy bolted off the couch and ran toward her father, looking at the package in his hands.  
  
“It’s really from Mommy, Daddy?” Lucy questioned, bouncing with excitement.  
  
“Yes,” he confirmed quietly, “it appears to be.”  
  
“Let’s open it! Can we?” she said, bouncing up and down while holding onto her father’s arm.  
  
Jane sighed heavily. He didn’t want to open the box. He didn’t want to see whatever cheap attempt she had sent in hopes of making amends to Lucy for her five years of absence. Jane knew one thing for certain: Whatever worthless trinket Lisbon had offered her would never be enough. She still wanted what she’d craved for five years, her mother’s love and attention. It was getting to the point where he alone wasn’t good enough for her. He’d dreaded this moment for years but it was inevitable.  
  
“Daddy!” Lucy whined, pulling Jane out of his thoughts.  
  
“Yes, we’ll open it. Let me just get a knife.” he conceded, putting the package on the counter and grabbing a knife.  
  
He cut the tape on the box and pulled it open. He fished through the packing peanuts and pulled out six wrapped gifts, each with Lucy’s name on the paper.  
  
He handed the first one to Lucy and she opened it to see a picture of her mother and Sam Bosco, then she opened the next presents to see a picture of her mother and Grace, her mother, and Rigsby, her mother and Cho, her mother and Hightower, and her mother and Minnelli. There was a note at the bottom of the box so Jane picked it up and opened it, beginning to read:  
  
_“Dear Lucy,_  
_Happy birthday. I hope you like the pictures that I sent you. I know they don’t make-up for much but I thought you should have them. The people in these pictures are important to me, some of them you know and see as family but the other three made me the kind of cop I am today and I would’ve been lost without them. I sent you these pictures because starting next year, your letters will explain everything about these people and how they impacted my life. I hope that they help you learn a little bit more about me. I love you._  
_Love,_  
_Mommy”_

“Who is this, Daddy?” Lucy said, holding up the picture of Lisbon and Bosco.  
  
Jane sighed. “That’s Sam Bosco, he used to be your mother’s boss when she first became a cop.”  
  
“Oh…ok.” Lucy said, moving onto the picture of Lisbon and Hightower.  
  
Jane sat next to her. “That’s Madeline Hightower; she was mine and your mother’s boss at one point. Your mother loved her.”  
  
Finally, Lucy looked at the picture of Minnelli and her mother. “And this, Daddy?”  
  
Jane smiled slightly. “He was also mine and your mother’s boss. He was also one of our greatest friends. He was a good boss and very fair.”  
  
“Can we put these in my room, Daddy?” Lucy asked.  
  
Jane nodded, taking the pictures from her. “Yes.”  
  
When they came back from setting her pictures up, Jane went to throw the box away, but he saw an envelope on the bottom with Lucy’s name on it. He felt a bump through the paper and pulled out a piece of paper, dropping the contents of the envelope into the palm of his hand. He was shocked when he saw what fell out. He recognized it because as long as he’d known her, she’d never taken it off: it was Lisbon’s cross.  
  
“Lucy, come here for a moment please.” He said, looking for the little girl, who was playing with her dolls in her room.  
  
A moment later, Lucy appeared, coming down the stairs. “I’m here, Daddy.”  
  
“There’s one more present.” Jane said slowly.  
  
Lucy’s face lit up. “Really?! What is it, Daddy?!”  
  
“I’m gonna read you the note first, it’s important.” Jane told her, unfolding it.  
  
“Ok, Daddy.” Lucy said.  
  
Jane began to read:  
  
_“Dear Lucy,  
This is the most important thing I could ever give you. This cross was your grandma’s. She isn’t here anymore but she gave it to me when I was a baby and now, I’m giving it to you. You mean more to me than anything so it makes sense that you’d have the thing that’s most important to me. Take good care of it, and as long as you never take it off, no matter where you go, God and I will always be with you._

_-Mommy”_

Jane opened his hand and showed Lucy the golden cross.  
  
“It’s so pretty…” Lucy breathed.  
  
Jane smiled, putting it on her from behind, moving her hair. “Yes, it is, and now…it’s yours.”

 

~*~

A few days later, the CBI team was relaxing in the bullpen, savoring the rare downtime they had. Jane, who was relaxing on the couch, decided to get better acquainted with their new boss. He wanted to see what made her tick, and more importantly, what trauma she was hiding in her past. On his way to her office, he noticed Rigsby and Grace were very reserved, probably hiding something.  
  
He entered Lisbon’s office—no, it was Agent Hill’s now--and cleared his throat.  
  
She was doing paperwork and before long, she stopped and looked up at him.  
  
He noted that there was an underlying pain inside her that was masked by serious professionalism.  
  
“Can I help you?” she said calmly, looking at him.  
  
“No, I just wanted to introduce myself and get a sense of what our new boss is like.” He said, observing that she had no pictures of loved ones on her walls or desk.  
  
“Oh, well, ok…” she responded incredulously.  
  
“I’m Patrick Jane, I’m the consultant on this team.” he informed.  
  
She nodded. “I’m well aware of that Mr. Jane, your…work ethic is rather…well known from your days with Agent Lisbon.”  
  
Jane chuckled. “Yes, I’m sure a lot of people in this building are aware of that.”  
  
_Great, he’s gonna be a handful. Just like the Director said he’d be._ Agent Hill thought.

“Do you have any family, Agent Hill? I don’t see any pictures on your desk.” He inquired thoughtfully.  
  
Agent Hill was shocked at the personal nature of his question. Didn’t he have any boundaries? Of course he didn’t, she’d heard enough stories of how he’d gotten punched in the face by the family members of victims, or on one occasion, Agent Lisbon herself, for saying and doing insulting things.  
  
“I don’t think you have the right to ask that personal a question of someone you’ve just met.” Agent Hill answered evenly.  
  
“Ah, that confirms it.” Jane said.  
  
Hill looked at him, confused. “Confirms what?”  
  
“My hunch about your previous trauma that you mask by your bright yet serious nature.” Jane explained simply.  
  
From her scandalized expression, Jane surmised that they hadn’t told her about his talent.  
  
“Ex-Excuse me? You have no right…” she began.  
  
He continued, ignoring the agent’s remarks. “Since there are no family pictures, I’d gather that you’ve experienced an extreme amount of loss. You lost your parents at a young age, a car crash I’d guess. Then you went to live with a relative, a grandmother, perhaps. No, an aunt, and then you grew up. You met a man, and you loved him very much and you were engaged, but he died. You don’t wear the ring because it’s too painful but you keep it in your desk to remind you of what you lost. You probably vowed to bring the person who hit him with their car to justice, which is why you joined law enforcement. You spent a few years hunting him, but to no avail. Eventually, you rose through the ranks, until you transferred from the narcotics unit to here, heading your own team in the serious crimes unit.”  
  
For a moment, the agent didn’t speak, and it looked like she was going to cry.  
  
“I know what you’re going through, Katherine;” he said softly, “Red John killed my wife and child. He murdered them in cold blood. I caught him, but I’ll never forget what he did to them.”  
  
Katherine bit her lip. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Jane. I heard about that before, from some of the other agents.”  
  
“I’m sure you did.” Jane said, a little sharper than he’d meant to.  
  
He didn’t know why he’d told her about Red John. Everyone knew, or most everyone, but for some reason, he felt a strange pull to this woman. After all, she had lost people who were important to her. She’d even lost the love of her life. He realized that they weren’t that different. She was damaged and unable to move on and so was he. He’d moved on at one point, with Teresa, and it had failed, though no fault of his own. It was her; she was the one that left. She was the one to blame for his and Lucy’s sadness. Agent Hill was attractive but he still held deep feelings for Teresa that were not likely to disappear, even if he moved on. There were days when he wished he could forget about her. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her lips…it all swam in his mind day after day, year after year. It tortured him and reminded him of what he’d never have again. Most of all, she kept him from finding a suitable mother for Lucy, or even real love, for that matter. Wherever he went or whatever he did, Teresa always managed to sneak into his mind.  
  
He was taken from his thoughts by a knock at the door.  
  
“You can come in.” Agent Hill said, and Rigsby and Van Pelt entered.  
  
“We’d like you to come out to the bullpen for a second, if you could.” Rigsby began, and Jane knew what this was about.  
  
“We have a little announcement.” Grace added.  
  
“Ok, I’ll be out in a second. Mr. Jane, if there isn’t anything else?” Agent Hill asked, rising from her chair.  
  
Jane shook his head. “No, there isn’t.”  
  
Agent Hill exited her office and headed for the bullpen, with Jane in tow.  
  
Grace and Rigsby stood up from their desks and looked around the room at their colleagues.  
  
Rigsby held Grace’s hand. “Due to a change in the CBI regulations, Grace and I are happy to announce that we are getting married.”  
  
Jane’s hunch was confirmed and Grace took the ring from her desk and Rigsby put it proudly on her finger.  
  
“We’d really like for all to come, including you, Agent Hill.” Grace said with a smile, and Agent Hill smiled back, but Jane could tell she was hiding something.  
  
Soon after, a thought struck Jane that almost stopped his heart. If Grace and Rigsby were getting married that meant Lisbon would show up, and that was something he was sure he wouldn’t be able to handle, simply because he was still very much in love with her.

 

~*~

 

A few months passed and the date of the wedding arrived. Lucy was elated at the prospect of her Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby’s upcoming nuptials. She was even more elated that she got to wear a pretty purple dress that Grace picked out for her, since she was the flower girl and this was her godparents’ wedding.  
Once Jane and Lucy arrived at the church, Jane found himself subconsciously looking for Lisbon. He didn’t find her and so they sat down in the first pew, awaiting the start of the wedding.  
  
Lisbon entered the church a few minutes later, dressed in a beautiful green satin dress with sparking silver sequins cascading diagonally down the front of it. Her dark, shoulder length tresses had a slight wave to them. She looked around for a seat in the back, making sure Jane and Lucy didn’t notice her. Once she found one, she sat in it, examining her daughter for the first time in five years. Lucy was beautiful. She had long, dark brown hair and beautiful green eyes, just like her mother’s.

She longed to hold her again, to call her name, to finally meet her gorgeous little girl…but she couldn’t. The secret kept her from that. She’d taken a great risk just by showing up here. Grace had begged her over the phone until she’d relented and she hoped no one recognized her. She was going to blend in, celebrate, and then return home to New York, without Lucy or Jane ever knowing.  
  
Jane knew Agent Hill wouldn’t come. She’d lost her fiancé so weddings were probably something she’d never attend again because of the pain they caused her. On the contrary, he was sure that Lisbon was here. She was probably hiding somewhere where he or Lucy couldn’t see her. He was sort of glad they hadn’t seen her because he didn’t want Lucy to face disappointment and also because he didn’t want the sight of her to make him fall even more in love with her than he already was.  
  
Before long, the music started and Jane and Lucy stood, getting ready for their duty. Lisbon slipped into a crowd of people clustered by the wall because all the seats were filled. Grace had begged Lisbon repeatedly to be her Maid of Honor, but ultimately Lisbon refused on the grounds that she wanted to remain anonymous.  
  
The bridesmaids and groomsmen made their way in pairs to the altar and Lisbon watched, praying no one saw her.  
As the Maid of Honor (one of Grace’s college friends), and Cho (Rigsby’s choice for Best Man) made their way up to the altar, Lucy and Jane started toward the back of the church, as Lisbon peeked out from behind a tall man in a suit. Jane held Lucy’s hand as she threw the pink rose petals on the aisle as she walked up it. She looked beautiful in her pretty purple dress and flats. Her hair was done up in a bun with the remaining hair hanging down. Lisbon smiled as she realized Grace must’ve done it.  
  
She breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she concluded neither of them saw her. Finally, Grace appeared, in a beautiful white mermaid wedding dress. Her hair was done up in an elegant bun with a white flower in her hair. Her father, Amos Van Pelt, was next to her.  
When they reached the altar, Amos put Grace’s hand in Rigsby’s and kissed her cheek. He sat in the first pew and Grace and Rigsby said vows and exchanged rings.  
  
The priest then pronounced them husband and wife and gave them permission to kiss. Grace smiled as Rigsby lifted her into the air and kissed her, amid the claps and cheering of the guests. Lisbon smiled happily as Grace and Rigsby made their way, hand-in-hand, out of the church, followed by the bridesmaids and groomsmen, Jane and Lucy, and then the rest of the guests. Lisbon waited until the church emptied and the limo left before she made her way to her car to drive to the reception.

 

~*~

The reception was held in a hall that had low-lighted crystal chandeliers and thin mesh curtains in purple and pink. The tables were covered in purple tablecloths and the chairs had white covers with pink ribbons tied around them. Lisbon was seated at the furthest table, at her request, with some of Grace’s cousins. There was a dinner of fish, vegetables and potatoes and Lisbon ate, watching her daughter and Jane dance, along with her former teammates. She smiled and sipped on a glass of champagne, happy to see how beautiful her daughter had become. It killed her that she couldn’t meet her and a couple of times she had to restrain herself from going to talk to her, mostly because she didn’t want Jane to see her.  
  
Jane had heard a few whispers that Lisbon was here, as he had suspected but she was doing a good job of hiding, as he hadn’t seen her all night. He wasn’t going to look for her, he decided to wait. Eventually, she would find him, and when she did, he was going to make sure Lucy didn’t see her, to shield his daughter from the disappointment Lisbon would inevitably cause her.  
Soon, the cake was cut and Lucy ate her slice of marble cake, and then proceeded to fall asleep across two empty chairs. Jane observed the dancing people as he sat next to his sleeping daughter.  
  
Just then, he saw the back of a beautiful emerald green evening gown move through the crowd toward the bathrooms. He knew it was Lisbon, it had to be. He quickly asked Cho to watch over Lucy for a few minutes while he did something and Cho agreed. He followed her through the crowd and caught up to her, grabbing her arm. She whipped around, ready to knock him to the ground and their eyes met, and she froze.  
  
His breath caught in his throat and he felt lightheaded. She looked gorgeous. She had mascara around her eyes that made them even more vibrant. She had a light eye shadow on her eyelids and a slight blush on her cheeks. Her lips were coated with a red lipstick as well, the perfect shade for her. This was the woman he fell in love with, the woman he hadn’t seen in five years, and the woman he was falling deeper in love with every second he looked at her.  
  
Jane quickly remembered his anger at her as he found the words to speak. “What are you doing here, Teresa?”  
  
“I’m here for the same reason you are,” she responded icily, “to celebrate Grace and Rigsby’s wedding.”  
  
“Why would you come when you knew that Lucy was going to be here? Did it even occur to you that she might see you? If that happened, you would give her the greatest disappointment you have ever given her. She would finally know you, and you would run, afraid of what you would become if you stayed. You would break her heart a thousand times more than you already have. Does that even matter to you?”  
  
Lisbon glared at him. “Of course it does! That’s why neither of you were supposed to know that I was here!”  
  
“Well, that wasn’t a very good plan, because I heard whispers that you were here all night. You’re lucky Lucy didn’t figure it out.” Jane said coldly.  
  
Lisbon sighed. “I know I took a risk but I had to see her. I wanted to see how beautiful she’s become.”  
  
Even angry, Jane was the most handsome man Lisbon had ever seen but he looked even more handsome tonight. He was wearing a simple tuxedo and a bow tie, a change from his usual three piece suit. She loved his blonde curls and it pained her to remember how she used to run her fingers through them as they lay in bed after making love. It was almost enough to make her come back and it took everything she had not to kiss him and apologize for everything she had done…to him and to Lucy.  
  
“You did take a risk and you don’t deserve to see her. You hurt her more than anything else. You’re not cut out to be her mother and you can’t just show up her and try to fix five years of damage, Teresa. You weren’t there and it’s too late now, you missed your chance. Go back to where ever it is you ran off to. I’m sure they still need you there.” Jane said sharply.  
  
“Lucy needs me, I know that but I can’t put her in danger.” Lisbon said sharply.  
  
Jane’s eyes, cold and calculating, bore into hers. “No, Lucy needs a mother, which you’ll never be as long as you harbor that damn secret inside you.”  
  
With that, Jane turned on his heel and walked away. Lisbon went to the bathroom and came out as Jane picked Lucy up to get ready to go home. When she came out, Jane was gone.  
  
As she went outside, she saw him on the steps on the reception hall, and tried to sneak out and back to her car without anyone seeing but as she did so, she stopped to take one last look at her daughter. Lucy stirred and locked eyes with her mother’s. Lisbon froze for only a second before hurrying away to her car.

 

~*~

One year later, Lucy’s sixth birthday came. In attendance were the newly married Mr. and Mrs. Rigsby, Agent Cho, Lucy’s uncles and aunts, her cousins and a group of friends she’d made at school. Jane tried not to think about what happened at the wedding with Lisbon, but lately it seemed it was all he thought about. He hated the fact that she let that damn secret rule her life. He could see she wanted to be there for Lucy but she was as afraid as she was six years ago.  
  
He hated reading those letters because they made him think more and more about Lisbon and how much she’d hurt them. He didn’t understand why she didn’t just come home and work through this with him. Teresa was normally so easy to read, but this was one thing about her that vexed him.  
  
By the end of the party, Lucy’s room was again filled with various games, toys and dolls. The Rigsbys had even purchased her a huge castle dollhouse, which she loved. She was playing with it when Jane came in her room with the letter.  
  
“Are you ready for the next letter?” Jane asked, smiling.  
  
Lucy put down her princess dolls and climbed up into his lap on the bed. “Yeah, Daddy.”  
  
Jane then opened the letter and began to read:

 _“Dear Lucy,_  
_Happy birthday. This letter, and the next few that follow it, are going to talk about some of the people who are important to me and who made me who I am as a cop. They’re like family to me so I thought you should know about them. The first one, who is my best friend, is Grace. You might call her Aunt Grace. In addition to being your godmother, she’s always there for me. We met when I signed her on my team as a rookie. She’s resourceful and hard-working and we’ve been best friends ever since. She’s even saved my life a couple of times. I chose her as your godmother because I know she’ll be there for you and help you if you need it. She’s a great person and I know she loves you very much. I love you too and I miss you every day._  
_Love,_  
_Mommy”_

When he closed up the letter, he put it on her nightstand as he put her in her pajamas. He laid her down in bed and tucked her in tight, kissing her head.  
  
“You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise.” he whispered.  
  
“Daddy?” Lucy said quietly.  
  
“What, sweetheart?” Jane asked.  
  
“I think I saw Mommy.” she said quietly.  
  
Jane was shocked. “When?”  
  
“At Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby’s party.” She said simply.  
  
“Did she say anything to you?” Jane asked quickly.  
  
Lucy shook her head. “No, she just ran away. Why did she do that?”  
  
Jane sighed. “I don’t know.”  
  
Lucy’s eyes looked sad. “Why doesn’t she want me?”  
  
“She does, she’s just a little confused right now. Go to sleep now.” Jane said gently.  
  
“Ok. I love you, Daddy.” Lucy said.  
  
“I love you too.” Jane said quietly. He went to go turn on her nightlight, wishing she’d never seen Lisbon. He hoped one day for Lucy’s sake, she could let go of the secret. It seemed that was all they could do: hope. Everything else relied on Lisbon, and whether or not seeing her daughter’s face was enough to bring her home.


	7. The Seventh Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The case in this chapter is not that important, it just sets a few important plot points up.

Chapter 7: The Seventh Letter

Lisbon could still see Lucy's face whenever she closed her eyes. She remembered that look of sleepy confusion and maybe a slight hint of recognition. She'd looked into her daughter's eyes and ran, acting like she was a murderer instead of a child. She'd kicked herself ever since, but it wasn't enough to come back and risk Lucy's safety, no matter how badly she wanted to see her again.  
  
Lisbon pulled herself out of bed with effort and plodded into the bathroom, wearing a tank top and sweatpants. Once in the bathroom, she turned on the faucet, splashing her face with water, welcoming the cool feeling and clarity it provided. Jane's harsh words remained in her head, constantly reminding her of her mistake: _"No, Lucy needs a mother, which you'll never be as long as you harbor that damn secret inside you."_  
  
He was right; the secret was the only thing keeping her here. It wasn't Ryan, or the friends she'd made at the precinct, it was her fear. It was consuming her from the inside, making her afraid to be back where she belonged. At the same time, she feared that since it consumed her, it had the power to change her.

If she went back to Lucy, she would not be the same person, and by then it would be too late to control it. Lisbon soon changed into a button-up shirt and jeans, hearing her cell phone ring on the night stand. She bent one knee on the bed and reached across the bed to get it.

Once she had it in her hand, she answered it with a curt, "Lisbon."

"Hey, Boss. We got one. Murder in the alley on 9th and Lex." the voice on the other end informed her, which she recognized as one of her detectives, Nathaniel Green.

"Thanks. I'll be right there." she informed him. She pulled on her dark blazer, thankful for a distraction. She hadn't slept in a few days, due to the fact that her that her encounter with Lucy and Jane the previous year was the only thing on her mind.

She hung up with Green and put her boots on, heading out into the small kitchen of her apartment. She made herself a fresh cup of coffee and put it in a to-go cup, grabbing her keys. Her thoughts wandered again to Jane as she locked her door and she sighed, taking a long sip of her coffee, appreciating the warmth on her throat. It calmed her, and she needed it because this was going to be a long day.

~*~

Jane lay on his couch, staring up at the Elvis stain on the ceiling, trying not to think of how angry he was at Lisbon for showing up at the wedding last year. He understood that Grace was her best friend, but it had been too monumental a risk for her to take. Now that Lucy thought she'd seen her mother, she talked about her even more incessantly than before. She talked of how beautiful her mother had looked at the "party," as she called it.   
  
She talked of how she'd wished she could've said something to her, and most of all, how much she wanted her mother back so she could get to know her. Lucy wasn't the only one experiencing emotional turmoil. Over the past year, Jane had decided that the time had come to search for a mother for Lucy. He still held deep feelings for Lisbon but ever since he'd guessed Katherine's inner turmoil, she was more open with him and he saw that she was different in his company.   
  
She often confided her feelings in him concerning her late fiancé, as she felt he was the only one who truly understood what she was going through. She told him of future plans they'd made, and these brought back the vivid memory of the night he and Lisbon had started planning their own future, before the secret consumed her.

_It was rainy and cold outside Lisbon's Sacramento apartment but inside it was warm. Lisbon was laying on her bed dressed in only her jersey and underwear, watching her boyfriend change into his pajamas._

_"Have you ever thought about it?" he asked thoughtfully, buttoning up the front of his pajama top._

_She looked at him, confused, leaning against the headboard, one leg bent and the other one straight. "Thought about what?"_

_"The future...our future." he said simply._

_Lisbon was a little taken aback. "You mean like...marriage? Isn't it too soon? We've only been dating a month."_

_Jane chuckled, climbing into bed next to her. "Don't worry, Teresa, I didn't mean now. I meant whether you'd ever considered it."_

_Lisbon smirked. "A little, although I don't know how good of a husband you'd be."_

_"I'd be a model husband." He pulled her into his arms. "The only question is whether I'd survive the honeymoon, you do tend to threaten my life at least twice a day." he quipped._

_Lisbon smiled. "You'd survive, that is, if you don't do or say anything stupid. Given your track record, I wouldn't have much hope."_

_"Very funny, Lisbon." Jane said dryly._

_Lisbon chuckled. "I don't think you could go a day without annoying me."_

_Jane pretended not to hear that. "What about kids?"_

_Lisbon blushed slightly and Jane smiled. "I might've thought about kids...once or twice."_

_Jane tilted her chin up to look at him. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."_

_That remark earned him a playful punch in the shoulder. "Shut up!"_

_Jane grinned and whispered in her ear. "Make me, my angry little princess."_

_She moved so she was straddling him and smirked. "I will."_

_He leaned up and caught her lips with his in a fiery and passionate kiss. She ran her tongue along his bottom lip and he pulled her hips closer to him. Her lips found his neck and she kissed it. He moaned and she smirked against it._

_"Still want me to make you?" she taunted._

_His mouth found hers again and he kissed her deeply. Once she had sufficiently let her guard down and melted into his kiss, he pushed her down and hovered over her, grinning like a little boy._

_Lisbon feigned annoyance. "Hey!"_

_Jane smirked. "It'll be extremely difficult for you to make me now, seeing as how I'm in control."_

_Lisbon smirked back. "Wanna bet?"_

_With that, they finally gave into their passion, wanting only to be with each other._

_Later that night, Jane laid rubbing her shoulder, watching her sleep in the moonlight. He thought briefly to the small box that he kept back at his motel. He hadn't been planning to use it yet, but eventually, when the time came, he knew that the object it contained would be the promise that would lead them to a bright future...together._

That ring still sat in a dusty velvet box in one of the drawers in his bedroom, unused because he never had the courage to ask. He'd waited too long, and by the time he'd worked it up, Lucy was born...and she was gone. It was a beautiful ring, with a small simple diamond in the middle and smaller diamonds on the side. It would've been perfect for Lisbon, not too flashy or extravagant. He knew she'd love it...or at least he did.   
  
He kept it on the off chance that she'd return and he could propose to her and they'd finally be a family. On the other hand, if she didn't return, he could move on or, at the very least, find someone he cared enough for to make her Lucy's mother. No one would ever compare to Lisbon, but he felt that Lucy needed a mother figure in her life, even if it wasn't the person who gave birth to her.

~*~

Lisbon entered the alley, walking up to Detectives Green and Carr, who'd since come back after she finished her maternity leave, replacing temporary Detective Connley.

"What do we got?" Lisbon questioned, looking down at the female on the ground, who had blonde hair and blue eyes, her face frozen in an expression of shock and terror.

Green spoke up, flipping open his notepad. "Melanie Goldbright, 32, personal injury lawyer. Wallet and purse were next to her and no cash or jewelry was missing. It doesn't look like a robbery."

"Any signs of assault?" Lisbon queried.

Carr nodded. "Bruising on her wrists and a few broken nails, there might be DNA under her intact fingernails."

"She fought back." Lisbon mused, suddenly missing Jane's insightful—however unorthodox—investigating skills, if you could even call them that. Right about now, he'd be telling her why the victim was dressed the way she was. She felt a pang of sadness, realizing how much she missed not just his skills, but him too. After the way they had left things at the wedding, she doubted he would take the time to help on her case. Besides, she thought bitterly, he's probably too busy helping my replacement.

"It looks like it. Hopefully the ME will be lucky with that DNA." Carr said agreeably.

"Any witnesses?" she questioned Green.

He nodded. "Witness says she saw the girl running down an alley trying to get away from a muscular, bald Caucasian man in his late 30s. She tried to call the cops but he saw her and she ran off. Next morning, a teenager walking his dog found the body."

"Ok, Carr and I'll go talk to the family. Green, you look up her work and personal relationships, you know the drill." Lisbon ordered.

"Yes, Boss." Carr and Green said simultaneously.

~*~

When Carr and Lisbon arrived at the Goldbright residence, a knot formed in her stomach. She remembered that this was the type of thing she'd do with Jane and silently cursed herself for thinking of him. She and Carr climbed the steps to the porch.

"Mr. Goldbright, NYPD." Lisbon called, knocking on the door.

A few moments later, a young man opened the door. "Hello, is this about Melanie?"

Lisbon nodded. "Yes, can we come in?"

He stepped aside. "Of course."

They stepped inside and he led them to the living room, where both detectives took seats on the couch opposite Mr. Goldbright's chair.

"So, did you find Melanie?" Mr. Goldbright asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Goldbright, but your wife is dead. I'm sorry for your loss. " Lisbon confessed gently.

Mr. Goldbright looked shocked and upset. "Melanie's...dead?"

Carr nodded. "Yes, sir. Do you have any idea why she would've been running from a man in an alley on Lexington and 9th?"

Mr. Goldbright shook his head, still looking devastated. "No...no, I can't."

"Did she have any enemies? Anyone who might've wanted to hurt her?" Lisbon added.

Mr. Goldbright sighed. "No...everyone loved Melanie. What am I gonna tell Jessica? She loved her mom."

Soon, a little girl about Lucy's age entered the room. "Daddy?" Lisbon's stomach clenched upon seeing the little girl, thinking of her own daughter's face.

"Go upstairs, Jess. Daddy'll be up in a minute." Mr. Goldbright assured her and Jessica did as she was told.

"One last thing, Mr. Goldbright, where were you last night at eleven PM?" Carr asked.

Mr. Goldbright frowned. "You can't possibly be insinuating that I murdered my wife?"

"We're just being thorough. We have to explore every angle." Lisbon said gently.

Mr. Goldbright looked unconvinced. "I was on the phone with my sister in Ohio, you can check."

Carr nodded. "We will."

Lisbon stood up with Carr a moment later. "Thanks for your time, Mr. Goldbright, we'll be in touch."

Goldbright stayed silent, walking them to the door. When they exited the house, he shut it behind them.

"So, you think he did it?" Carr asked as they made their way down the porch steps.

"Nah, he was genuinely upset when we told him. I could feel it." Lisbon told her, getting back in the car with her colleague to return to the precinct.

~*~

A few hours later, Lisbon and her team spent hours poring over evidence. Though she had a sufficiently full workload, it didn't stop her thoughts from lingering on Mr. Goldbright's daughter, Jessica. She seemed to be about Lucy's age, and it pained her to think of the little girl's mother being ripped away from her in such a horrible way. Then a frightening thought struck her: Jessica's mother was dead and nothing could change that...but Lisbon had a choice. She chose to tear herself away from her daughter because of secret. For a brief moment, it seemed ludicrous that she was forcing her daughter to grow up without a mother when some little girls like Jessica have no choice.

But then she remembered the secret. This secret could change her. Was risking Lucy's safety worth it? Was breaking Lucy's heart worth it? Every day Lisbon asked herself these questions and every day the answer to both was no. So here she was, in New York, day after day, week after week, year after year, distracting herself with solving murders as she looked back with regret on the life she could've led. Every so often, it occurred to her that she could go back but then some memory would make its way into her mind, forcing her to stay away. Lisbon's hand hovered over her desk phone, debating whether to call. She eventually decided against it and sighed, going back to poring over her evidence, trying not to dwell on her mistakes.

~*~

It was late at the CBI when the team finally solved their last case and started to head for home. Katherine Hill sat in her office, alone, finishing up case reports. He studied her from his couch, trying to make out her expression while the rest of the team left. Grace had Lucy by the hand as Jane had asked her to babysit for a few hours.

"Say bye to Daddy." Grace said, smiling.

Lucy smiled and went over to her father, hugging him and bringing him out of his thoughts. "Bye, Daddy. Auntie Grace and Uncle Rigsby and I are gonna have fun."

Jane smiled and kissed her head. "I'm sure. I'll be by to pick you up in a few hours. I love you."

Lucy nodded. "Ok, Daddy I love you too." She turned to Grace and Rigsby excitedly. "Let's go!"

Grace and Rigsby chuckled and Grace took her hand again.

"C'mon, Luc." Rigsby said, and Jane watched them walk toward the elevators.

Once Lucy and the team left, his thoughts came to Lisbon. He thought about how she used to sit at her desk doing paperwork, her face frowning in frustration and her back tense with her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He noted that Katherine did something similar and he decided to go check on her.

He got up and went into her office, pushing Lisbon from his mind. Katherine looked up at him in surprise.

"Jane? What are you still doing here? I...I thought you would've gone home." she questioned curiously, raising her eyebrow at him.

Jane smiled. My daughter is spending time with her godmother and besides, I thought you might enjoy the company."

Katherine absorbed this for a moment. "I...well, ok. You're gonna watch me do case reports?"

Jane shook his head. "Actually, I think dinner would be a much better alternative to paperwork, don't you?"

Agent Hill was taken aback. "Dinner? I don't think that's appropriate, Jane. I am a professional and I--"

Jane cut her off. "This is professional, what's a dinner between colleagues?"

Agent Hill sighed. "Alright, but if you try anything funny on me—"

"You'll shoot me, I know, I've heard it all before. You'd be amazed if you heard how creative Agent Lisbon got when threatening me."

"I can imagine." Agent Hill agreed, chuckling and grabbing her bag before they headed towards the elevator.

~*~

Once Jane's Citroen pulled up outside a somewhat high-class restaurant, Agent Hill got out and frowned at him.

"What?" Jane asked, looking at her.

She crossed her arms, looking a lot like Lisbon and his heart hurt thinking about her.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought you said this wasn't a date."

He nodded. "It isn't. It's just a simple dinner, relax Katherine."

"Fine." she agreed irritably, "but just know I don't believe you."

"Your mistrust has already been expected. But like Agent Lisbon, eventually you'll learn to trust me." Jane reasoned.

"You think so, huh? And I'm not entirely sure that Agent Lisbon trusted you, given all the crap you put her through."

"You're probably right about what I put her through, but you're wrong about her trusting me. She did, but it took time. If we're going to be partners, you have to trust me too. Now, shall we go in?"

Katherine didn't want to believe him, but something in his words told her it was the truth so she followed him inside without further protest.

They walked up to the podium and Jane smiled. "Two, please."

"Yes, sir. Follow me, right this way." The host said, leading them to a rather small intimate table in the back of the restaurant.

Agent Hill was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that this "dinner between colleagues" was, in fact, a bona-fide date. She was on a date with her consultant. She knew this would be a nightmare if anyone found out, seeing as how the CBI office relationship regulations hadn't changed enough to allow the dating of a senior agent and her consultant, but there was a part of her that didn't care. He was really sympathetic and sweet, (When he wasn't being a jackass, of course.), and most of all, he was the only one in her life who seemed to understand what she'd gone through. Her mom and dad were helpful, and her sister loved her, but none of them truly got it like he did.

She let him pull out her chair and she smiled. "It's nice to see chivalry isn't completely dead."

He chucked as she sat and pulled herself in. "I've been told I'm quite the gentleman."

"Obviously not by anyone at CBI." she quipped, setting her napkin in her lap. The waitress took their drink orders and brought them out. Hill opted for iced tea and Jane chose hot tea.

He smirked and her heart fluttered slightly. "It depends on who it is you ask."

She laughed, picking up the menu to look it over. When she decided, she put it down.

Soon, the waitress arrived for their orders. "Have you decided?"

"I'll have the eggplant parmesan." He answered

The waitress wrote it down and turned to Hill. "And for you, ma'am?"

"I'll have the chicken marsala." Agent Hill said, and the waitress put it down before collecting the menus and going to put the orders in.

"I heard you have a daughter, Jane. A few people have talked about her because they've seen her in the daycare downstairs." Katherine said, sipping her iced tea.

"I do...she's the best thing that ever happened to me." he said softly.

"What's her name?" Katherine asked gently.

Jane sighed. "Lucy, it's Lucy Nicole."

Katherine smiled. "That's a pretty name."

"Her mother picked it out. I thought it suited her well." Jane explained, sipping his tea.

Katherine frowned. "This might be too personal but...where's her mother?"

Jane knew that question was coming and his chest tightened as he thought, rather guiltily, of Teresa. He didn't want her to find out he had been on a date with Agent Hill, but he knew that somehow she would.

It would serve her right, remember she slept with Connley first. A voice in his head reminded him bitterly, but Jane ignored it.

"She, uh, she left me, six years ago, after Lucy was born." Jane admitted.

"I'm sorry, Patrick." Katherine said gently, as their food arrived. They ate in silence and when they finished, they walked outside and stood by Jane's car.

Jane smiled. "It's been a pleasure, Katherine."

She blushed slightly and met his eyes. "Thank you, yeah, it has."

Jane cleared his throat. "Well, it's been lovely but I have to pick up Lucy, I..." he said, starting to turn away, but she grabbed his arm.

"Wait..." she said softly, and he turned.

As soon as he did, she leaned in and planted a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. She felt a spark inside that she hadn't felt since Michael was alive and it intensified as she felt him kissing back, pulling her closer. All her thoughts about rules and regulations faded in that moment. While they kissed, Jane's lingering guilt about Lisbon slowly ebbed away as he was thankful he didn't have to think of her for once.

When they pulled apart, Jane smiled. "I'll bring you back to get your car now."

Katherine nodded and they got in, driving back to CBI. When they arrived, Katherine smiled at him.

"Thanks, Jane." she said again, giving him another kiss before getting out.

"You're welcome." he replied, watching her for only a moment before driving to Grace's house.

~*~

When he knocked at Grace's door, she opened it and smiled, holding a sleeping Lucy in her arms.

Jane smiled back at her. "How was she?" he asked in a whisper.

"She was great. We baked cookies." Grace whispered back, handing him a plastic bag of cookies.

"That's good. Thank you, Grace." He said, taking his sleeping daughter carefully from her.

"Have you talked to Lisbon?" Grace asked gently.

Jane shook his head. "No, she hasn't called, but I don't expect her to. She only calls once a year and only for Lucy."

Grace sighed. "I'm worried about her, I know she wants to come back."

"You can't help someone who insists on being isolated and not letting anyone in." Jane said, almost coldly.

"I guess you're right, but still...maybe I should call her." Grace insisted.

"You can try, but I don't guarantee she'll pick up. As far as she's concerned, this part of her life, with the exception of Lucy, is over." Jane said matter-of-factly.

Grace bit her lip. "Good night, Jane."

"Good night, Grace." he said gently, turning to leave. She watched him buckle Lucy in her car seat, get in, and drive away before she closed the door.

~*~

The next month, Lucy's birthday approached and they realized Lisbon didn't call that year. He supposed she took his words to heart and was indeed not coming back, though he hoped that wasn't the case. Ever since his night with Katherine the month before, he'd been wondering if it was the right path. He cared for Katherine, but he didn't love her. That emotion was reserved solely for Lisbon, or at one point, Angela.   
  
Soon the guests for Lucy's seventh birthday party started to arrive but Lucy wasn't herself. She said hello, thank you, and goodbye to all her guests but Jane could tell she was upset that her mother never called. The one thing he knew she waited the entire year for was her mother's call, but it was partly his fault that Lucy was upset. He'd been the one that told Lisbon not to call unless she was coming back and she'd taken his advice. Later, when the party was over, Lucy settled into her bed so Jane could read her the letter.

"Are you ready?" Jane asked with a sigh after tucking her in and sitting down.

Lucy nodded. "Yeah, Daddy."

Jane opened the letter, starting to read:

_"Dear Lucy,_

_This next letter is about someone else you might know. You might call him Uncle Wayne but his full name is Wayne Rigsby. He was another special part of my team. He's sweet, caring, and loyal to a fault. He's a hard worker and a great cop. He also cares very much for your Aunt Grace too. He's your godfather because I know he'll help daddy love and take care of you just like Aunt Grace does. I trust them with my life. I won't be surprised if they get married, Grace has always wanted me to be her Maid of Honor, but the dress would probably be pink, and I don't like pink very much. I met him after he transferred from being an arson investigator to serious crimes and he's been on my team ever since, well, until I left. They'll always be my team, my family, no matter how far I go, and so will you and Daddy. I miss you so much and I love you._

_Love, Mommy"_

After Jane finished reading the letter, he kissed the sleeping Lucy's head and started toward the door, flicking on her nightlight. He realized that even though he didn't regret his night with Agent Hill, he knew in his heart that no one, besides maybe Angela, could ever fill the deepening void in his heart, left by Teresa Lisbon.


	8. The Eighth Letter

Chapter 8: The Eighth Letter

Jane was starting to hate work. Everywhere he went in the CBI, he was reminded of Teresa. Everything they said, everything they did, and every damn case they’d solved since he was first signed on to her team. Everything he looked at brought back some kind of memory he’d tried over and over to forget. He never thought about Katherine as much as he did Lisbon. He knew it was wrong, of course, being that he was seeing Katherine now in secret, but he couldn’t get Teresa out of his mind. He supposed that after loving someone so strongly and so deeply, it was almost impossible to erase them from your mind. He’d even been putting off sleeping with Katherine because he was working on trying not to feel guilty if he did so. He remembered when Katherine kissed him and he’d kissed back, not feeling any kind of guilt. Just for that one moment, it felt as if he could finally move on and forget Teresa…and what she did. But after the kiss was over, he was forcibly thrown back to reality and constantly reminded that she would always be a part of him, and that she could never be forgotten. He knew it would be like trying to erase permanent marker: impossible.

Grace walked into the bullpen a few moments later, and Jane opened his eyes and sat up.

“Morning, Jane, how are you? Did you stay here all night?” she asked.

Jane shook his head. “No, I just thought I’d arrive early.”

The truth was he hadn’t been able to sleep well since Katherine had kissed him so he often stayed overnight at the CBI, burying himself in cold case files. For once in his life, he was the one scared that Lisbon would find out about them, probably from Grace, and then Lisbon would fall out of love with him. That notion scared him most of all. Right now, he knew Lisbon had two factors pulling her home that she struggled to ignore: her love for Lucy and her love for him. If her love for him evaporated, he was certain there’d be no chance of her return. Lucy wouldn’t be enough to pull her home. There was only one time that he’d stayed overnight that he remembered with any level of clarity…because it was with Lisbon. It was also the second time Teresa Lisbon had done something impulsive for once in her life…

_It was late one night at the CBI and Lisbon was finishing case reports. It was a month after Jane had told Lisbon he loved her and two weeks after they’d made love for the first time. There were a few lone agents left in the building doing the same. The corners of Jane’s mouth turned up as he watched her work through her office window from his couch. He smirked as the idea to distract her entered his mind. He got up from his couch and strolled into Lisbon’s office without knocking, as usual._

_She glared at him, noticing his smirk. “Don’t you dare distract me, Jane or I swear…” she started threateningly._

_“I know, you’ll shoot me, but seeing as you haven’t yet, I believe I’m safe.” Jane responded cheekily._

_“I wouldn’t count on it,” she muttered as he moved behind her chair._

_“Let’s get rid of some that tension, shall we?” he murmured._

_“Jane, what’re you…?” she questioned but trailed off as soon he started rubbing her shoulders. She relaxed into him and felt the tension inside of her ebb away._

_He bent down and kissed her neck, whispering in her ear. “I’m distracting you, love.”_

_Lisbon moaned. “Well, it’s working.”_

_Jane smirked and took her hand to help her out of her desk chair. He went over to the windows and flicked all of the blinds._

_She gave him a weird look as he came back to her, realizing what he was doing. “You can’t be serious…”_

_Jane smirked, kissing her neck again, murmuring against it. “But I am.”_

_Lisbon started to melt from his kisses, struggling to find reason but her judgment was hazy. “We shouldn’t do this here…not in my office…”_

_His voice was husky in her ear and he knew it made her want him. “Don’t you ever act on impulse, Teresa? Do something even though you know it’s against the rules?”_

_She shook her head. “No, I—“_

_He cut her off and slipped her blazer off her shoulders. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. Try it.”_

_“Fine, you win, but this is a one-time thing, understand?” she told him sternly._

_“Mhm, whatever you say, Boss.” he replied, placing a heated kiss on her lips._

_“Jane, I’m serious.” she mumbled against his lips but he was already unbuttoning her shirt._

_She decided protesting was useless and she unbuttoned his vest, wanting him more with every second._

_He was still kissing her, breaking the kiss only to get his shirt off._

_“I love you.” she said when she finally caught her breath._

_He smiled, getting lost in her beautiful green eyes. “I love you too.”_

_They both sat on her couch in her office and he captured her lips in another kiss, kissing her until she ended up under him. Soon, they made love right there on her couch, not caring about the consequences of their actions. This moment was purely theirs and no one else’s._

Jane saw Grace gave him a disbelieving look and sat down at her desk.

“Ok…” she said suspiciously. He knew she was becoming increasingly suspicious of his relationship with Katherine and for that reason; he worked even harder to mask it.

Cho entered a moment later, sitting down. “Morning, Jane, Van Pelt.”

“Morning, Cho.” Van Pelt responded, casting another look at Jane, who pretended not to notice.

“Morning, Cho.” Jane added calmly.

Rigsby came in from getting a cup of coffee in the break area. “Morning, Jane.” He smiled at Van Pelt after sitting down at his desk.

“Morning Rigsby.” Jane answered.

Soon, Katherine emerged from her office. “We have a case. A young girl was found murdered in a national park. Let’s head to the crime scene.”

“Meh. It sounds boring, can I sit this one out?” Jane said, noticing Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt’s eyebrows rose because they knew that’s how he used to tease Lisbon.

Agent Hill frowned. “Seriously, Jane?”

Jane nodded. “Seriously, you’ll do fine without me I’m sure.”

Agent Hill crossed her arms. “Jane, c’mon…”

“You can stand there all day, he won’t come.” Cho deadpanned and Agent Hill sighed.

“Fine, let’s go, everyone.” Hill ordered.

“We’re coming, Agent Hill.” Grace said quickly as the senior agent went into her office. Grace watched Jane go up to his “thinking room” and then leaned forward.

“I think Jane is seeing Agent Hill.” she whispered carefully.

“It’s obvious; it was the same vibe we got when he was seeing Lisbon.” Cho added.

Rigsby looked shocked. “What? Since when?”

Cho looked at Rigsby with a look that said “You’re-an-idiot.”

“A few months now, I think. Every two weeks, Jane will pick a night and ask me to watch Lucy so he can catch up on work. But the only nights he stays late…”

“…are the ones when Agent Hill has paperwork.” Cho finished.

“Yeah, and I have to go tell Lisbon. I know where she is.” Grace said grimly.

“Wait, you know where she went? How come you didn’t tell us?” Rigsby asked.

“Because she didn’t want to be found.” Cho told him.

“Cho’s right, Boss gave me specific instructions not to tell anyone, especially Jane, where she’d gone…and I haven’t. When she sent Lucy’s birthday present to our house, she told me to color the return address with permanent marker so Jane couldn’t see it.” Grace told them.

“You can’t tell Lisbon that, it’ll crush her.” Rigsby said.

“I have to, I don’t want her to have the same heartbreak that she gave Jane when he called on Lucy’s birthday one year and found out she’d been sleeping with someone else. It’s better for her to hear it from me. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” Grace said sternly, not leaving any room for protests.

“But…” Rigsby started.

“No, Wayne, I’ll be home soon. I promise.” Grace said softly.

“Ok.” Rigsby conceded.

Grace and the boys then prepared to follow Agent Hill’s orders and head to the crime scene.

~*~

Jane sat in his attic, looking pensively out the window. He knew Grace had figured out about his and Agent Hill’s relationship and he was certain that it was only a matter of time before she flew off to wherever it was Lisbon was living to tell her. He knew Grace was the only one who knew where she was and a few times, the idea crept into his mind to trick Grace into telling him, but he’d decided against it. He wanted to respect Lisbon’s wishes because despite everything, he loved her.

Whatever Grace would tell her about their relationship would only be half of the truth. He supposed she would tell Lisbon that he’s moved on and that he appears to be in love…but that wasn’t the truth. He was in a relationship, but he hadn’t moved on by any means nor was he in love. This was for Lucy, and no one else. She needed a mother, even though he wasn’t sure she’d accept Agent Hill as one. He’d decided to keep it from Lucy until a suitable time arose. She was only seven, soon to be eight in a few months. She was extremely smart but he knew she was not yet ready for this kind of news, as she was still very much attached to her mother. He hoped that when the time came, he’d be able to find the words to explain it to her.

He took another sip of tea, appreciating the warmth on his throat. He let his thoughts drift to Lisbon again before closing his eyes.

~*~

Lisbon’s phone rang at her apartment that night and she saw Grace’s number.

Her eyebrows furrowed before she answered it. “Grace?”

“Hey, Boss. I just wanted to let you know I’m coming tomorrow. We have a lot to talk about and I thought it would be better for you to hear it from me.” Grace explained.

“First of all, you can call me Teresa now; I’m not your boss anymore. Secondly, what’s wrong? Is Lucy ok?” Lisbon asked, worry in her voice.

“Lucy’s fine, it’s about Jane.” Grace told her.

Lisbon’s heart sank. “What about him?”

“I can’t tell you now, but he’s ok too. It’s just something that might not make you too happy.” Grace said, trying to put it lightly.

Lisbon was getting frustrated. “Grace?”

“I’m sorry, Lisbon. I have to be there first. You’re gonna need a hug.” Grace told her softly.

“And maybe some alcohol, knowing the things that Jane does.” Lisbon muttered.

Grace chuckled a little. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Boss. I still have your new address.”

“Ok. See you then.” Lisbon said, sighing. When she hung up, Lisbon racked her brain, exploring all the possibilities for news concerning her former lover. He could…be quitting the CBI? No, that couldn’t be it. Jane needed the money for Lucy. She explored every possible avenue in her mind, but eventually came up blank. A knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. She knew it couldn’t be Grace because her flight wasn’t until tomorrow but…what if it was Jane? Could she handle that? What would he say? What would she do? She hadn’t seen him since their less-than-amicable meeting a year ago. Why would he be here? She got up from her couch and took a deep breath, opening the door. It wasn’t Jane. It was her niece, Annie, looking far from the eighteen year old girl she was when Lucy was born. She was in her twenties now and still beautiful.

“Annie? What’re you doing here? I thought you were still in California.”Teresa asked, perplexed. Annie had stayed true to her childhood dream of becoming a cop like her Aunt Teresa. She worked at SACPD, hoping to rise up to becoming a state agent.

“I was but I missed you and…we need to talk, now.” Annie said seriously as her aunt let her in.

“Ok…” Lisbon said incredulously raised her eyebrow at her niece, shutting the door after Annie was in.

Annie took a seat on the couch and Lisbon moved into the kitchen.

“Do you want something to drink? Water, soda?” Lisbon offered.

“Aunt Teresa, I’m serious.” Annie said crossly.

Lisbon sighed and sat down on the couch. “What is this about?”

“Jane…and Lucy, what else?” Annie said simply.

“And…?” Lisbon prompted.

“You still love them. I think it’s been more than enough time for you to go home. They miss you. Lucy’s almost eight and she still remembers and questions the fact that you looked her in the eyes and ran away, almost like you were scared of her, like you didn’t want her.”

“How do you know all this?” Lisbon asked.

“Because once in a while, I pick up a phone and check on them, like you obviously aren’t doing. But you know what? They need more than a phone call or presents, Aunt Teresa. You try so hard to distance yourself from them but somehow you always find a way to worm your way back into it because it’s instinct. You want to be in their lives but you don’t know how. You can’t try and be there for them from this far away.” Annie reasoned and Lisbon knew she was right.

Lisbon scoffed. “Now you sound like Jane.”

“What can I say? My uncle’s rubbed off on me.” Annie said, shrugging.

Lisbon looked down at her feet. “He’s not your uncle, we’re not married…we haven’t dated in years…I don’t know what we are anymore.”

Annie leaned closer to her, putting an arm around her. “But he could be something to you…if you go back.”

Lisbon looked at her. “You mean like marriage? Jane doesn’t want marriage and I don’t either. I want him to move on and be happier.”

“You know Jane, he doesn’t ever “move on” when he loves someone. Even when you guys were in a relationship, he kept his wedding ring from Angela on. He loved you and he still does, but there’s always a part of him that will make him hold on to the both of you, forever. I think you were the only one that he loved just as much as he did her, Aunt Teresa, but you can’t expect him to wait for the rest of his life. You need to go back…or it’ll be too late. Even if, by some random chance, he does move on, it won’t be for himself…it’ll be for Lucy.” Annie told her finally, getting up.

“How do you know that?” Lisbon queried, looking up at her.

“Because I know what you mean to him. I’m not stupid, I saw the way he looked at you all those years ago; the years when you loved him back.” Annie said, her eyes looking straight into her aunt’s.

“Annie…I…” Lisbon started.

“I know what true love looks like, and you had it…but you threw it away over nothing. Now it’s your job to figure out how to get it back. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” Annie reminded her, heading towards the door.

“I’ll see you soon. Love you too.” Lisbon repeated, getting up to lock the door behind her.

She hated how no one understood why she couldn’t go back, but that was all her fault because she’d never let anyone see the secret inside of her. Not Jane, not Grace, not even her brothers or Annie. The only one who would find out would be Lucy in almost eight years, and when her daughter found out, she knew Lucy would hate her…and so would everyone else. No one would understand how they couldn’t have seen the evil that has been dormant inside of her all these years, and she wouldn’t blame them for it. She would lose everything once Lucy read that letter, and that had been why she’d fled, because the evil threatened to destroy her and her entire life. They could never have been happy as long as she was like this, as long as she couldn’t control it. It was her burden to bear, and she had no right dragging a family into that. She wasn’t even fit to have one. Sometimes, she’d often wished that Lucy had been born to anyone but her, someone who could care for her and who was pure, who had no evil to control. She wished her daughter didn’t have to dwell on her and wonder why she’d looked straight into her mother’s eyes just to see her run away. Everyone around her was telling her to just go home to Lucy and be a mother, but she knew if they saw her for what she was, they wouldn’t want her to…Jane most of all. She couldn’t understand how he could go on loving her with the secret between them, pulling them apart. But that was the thing about Jane; he never did like playing by the rules.

~*~

Teresa Lisbon was jolted awake the next day by a knock at her door. She pulled herself out of her bed and padded on the tile toward the door, dressed in sweatpants and a black tank top. She opened it to see her red-headed ex-colleague, Grace Van Pelt.

The young agent’s brows furrowed in concern. “Boss, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look horrible, have you been sleeping?”

“Gee thanks,” Lisbon said irritably, “nice to see you too, Grace.”

“Sorry, Boss, I’m just worried about you.” Grace apologized, stepping inside of the apartment as Lisbon let her in.

Lisbon shut the door as Grace took a seat on the couch. “No, actually, I haven’t been. My niece came to see me yesterday.”

Grace’s eyebrows rose. “Annie, why?”

Lisbon sighed. “She wanted to talk about Jane and Lucy, and try to convince me to come home…”

“Oh. What did you say?” Grace asked.

“I didn’t really. She called Jane her uncle and I told her he wasn’t…then she said I should go back to him…and that we should get married.” Lisbon said slowly.

“Do you want to?” Grace asked, and Lisbon could see she was hiding something by her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if I do or I don’t, the fact is I can’t.” Lisbon answered.

“Well, I hate to tell you this, Boss, but I think you’re right, you can’t now.” Grace started.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lisbon said, a little sharper than she’d intended.

“I think you’d better sit down for this one, Boss, I don’t know how you’ll take it.” Grace advised.

Lisbon did as she asked. “Well?”

Grace took a deep breath. “I think…I think he might be seeing someone else.”

Lisbon shook her head. “No, no, you have to be wrong, he can’t be…”

“I don’t think I am, every few weeks Jane’ll pick one night for me and Rigsby to watch Lucy…but the only nights he stays late…are the ones when Senior Agent Hill has paperwork…”

“What do you mean Senior Agent Hill?! He’s seeing my replacement?! That’s low, even for him. I guess it wasn’t enough for him to sleep with one boss, now he’s sleeping with this one too? Maybe while he’s at it, he should just hop into bed with Bertram!” Lisbon said angrily, standing up and heading into her kitchen, leaning on the counter and breathing deeply.

She knew she had no right to be angry, after all, like she’d reminded him years ago, she wasn’t his anymore…and apparently, he wasn’t hers. But for some reason, it unleashed a jealous fire inside of her that she couldn’t control. She’d regretted sleeping with Connelly as soon as she’d heard the hurt in his voice…and after that, she decided that she loved Jane and that she was going to change. But there was one possibility she’d overlooked: the one where Jane changes, the one where he actually moves on and falls out of love with her. That was the one she’d been scared to think about…but it had happened, and the only way to stop it was something she’d never risk: going home.

“Listen, I never said they were sleeping together, they might just be dating, Boss, and besides, you’re the one who told him to move on. You can’t have expected to wait for you forever.” Grace added.

“I was going to change, Grace! I was going to come home! But then that damn secret reminded me I can’t!” Lisbon yelled.

“Why does this bother you so much if you wanted him to move on?” Grace asked evenly, ignoring her friend’s anger.

“Because it just does, ok?” Lisbon snapped.

“But why? You’re not telling me anything.” Grace tried again.

Lisbon came back to sit on the couch and looked straight in Grace’s eyes, uttering the words she’d never admitted to anyone since she left. “Because I’m still in love with him.”

Grace nodded. “I know.”

Lisbon looked down. “Do you think he’s…fallen in love with her yet?”

Grace put a hand on her knee. “That’s a question only he can answer.”

“And one I’m not giving him the satisfaction of hearing me ask.” Lisbon said with certainty.

“There’s a way to win him back, you know…” Grace reminded her.

“I know, and that option has a price I can’t afford to pay.” Lisbon responded grimly. But just as she said that last sentence, Annie’s voice popped in her head.

__“Even if, by some random chance, he does move on, it won’t be for himself…it’ll be for Lucy.”_ _

Lisbon sighed, hoping her niece was right, that this thing with Agent Hill was just a way to help Lucy get a mother, but most of all; a part of her hoped that he hadn’t fallen out of love with her.

~*~

She was here. Lisbon was here again, and they were in love. He was feeling her lips against his, so soft and familiar. He was kissing her deeply and she was kissing him back, running his fingers through her shoulder-length brown locks, like he used to…seven and a half years of waiting had certainly paid off and he wanted to savor every second of it. He wanted to give her the best night he could because she was here again and they were finally going to be the family he’d always dreamed of, and he could finally give her that beautiful engagement ring he was going to give her.

“I love you, Jane. I love you.” he heard her whisper in his ear. He wanted to open his eyes to see her. When he did, though, Lisbon was gone and he realized who these eyes belonged to…they weren’t green, and they were Katherine’s smiling down at him. They were on Lisbon’s couch…the same couch that he and Lisbon had once made love on…and now he had been about to do the same with Katherine. No, he couldn’t betray Lisbon like this, he wouldn’t do it. Why not? a voice in his head reminded him bitterly, she betrayed you with that detective…what’s stopping you from hurting her too? Love. That was what was stopping him. No matter how much she hurt him, he would never hurt her back because despite all the pain, the love would always come through. Picturing Lisbon in Katherine’s place had taught him that. No matter how things with Katherine went, it would never, ever be love. Even if he someday put a ring on Katherine’s finger, it would only be out of necessity for Lucy, and if, out of a slight chance, Lisbon did return, he would let Katherine down easy and leave her free to find new love.

“I’m sorry, Katherine. I…I’m not ready yet, I thought I was.” he said quietly.

Katherine let him sit up and sat next to him, confused as he pulled on his vest and buttoned it.

“Oh, I, uh…that’s ok, I guess. I’m sorry.” She apologized awkwardly.

“It’s alright. I need to pick up my daughter, it’s late. Grace is back from her trip and she and Rigsby are watching her.” he explained, getting up.

“It’s fine…uh, see you tomorrow, Jane.” She answered, and he took his jacket, leaving a confused Katherine in her office.

~*~

Lucy’s eighth birthday soon approached. This year, she had a bounce house and Jane and the team watched Lucy and her friends and cousins play inside it. He had even invited Katherine, to get Lucy acquainted with her. Katherine hadn’t been able to make the other parties because they would always seem to fall on a day when Katherine had CBI business. But Katherine was good with her, she was kind and patient and Lucy seemed to like her. He knew that he have to tell Lucy soon if he was eventually planning to make Katherine her mother. He knew he should’ve told Lucy sooner but he knew she probably wouldn’t take it too well so he decided to tell her after the party, as Katherine had suggested. Once the presents were opened, all the guests were gone, and Lucy was settled into her pajamas, he sat her on his lap, the letter in his other hand.

“Are we gonna read it now, Dad?” Lucy asked.

“In a minute, I have something to tell you.” he answered.

“What is it?” Lucy asked.

“How did you like Katherine?” he asked.

“Oh, you mean that lady with the brown hair? She’s nice and really pretty.” Lucy said with a smile.

“Well, that’s good, because she’s going to be around a lot more now, we’re dating.” Jane said slowly.

“Is she gonna be my mom? I don’t want her to, I want my mom back!” Lucy said unhappily.

“No, she won’t be your mother, but she’ll be like a mother. No one could ever replace your real mother. She’ll just come around and help me when I need her, ok?” Jane explained.

“I want my mom, Dad. She’ll never be my mom, why can’t I see my real mom?” Lucy said, her eyes brimming with tears.

“Because your mother’s not here and you’ll understand when you’re older why you need Katherine.” Jane said softly.

“But I don’t want her, I want my mom!” Lucy continued, as her father wiped tears off of her cheeks.

“Please, Lucy, let’s just drop this for tonight and listen to your mother’s letter, ok? Can you do that?” Jane asked, opening it up.

“Fine.” Lucy muttered.

Jane began to read:

__“Dear Lucy,_ _

__This letter is about another one of the people I used to work with, Kimball Cho, but you might call him Uncle Cho. He might not seem like he says much, or does much, for that matter but he’s a great cop and another valuable part of my team. He was the first person I met when I got assigned to head it. We’ve known each other a long time and he’s always had my back, like Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby. Even though he doesn’t say it, I know he likes you. He just doesn’t express his emotions very much._ _

__He used to help me deal with your Dad’s antics all the time and I bet he’s still dealing with them. He and Rigsby are partners and kinda like best friends, even though sometimes they don’t act like it. Anyway, I just wanted you to get to know him. Remember that I miss you and love you more every day._ _

__Love,_ _

__Mommy.”_ _

Jane closed up the letter and tucked Lucy in, going to turn on her nightlight. As he looked back, he saw her take the picture of him, her, and Lisbon in the hospital and hug the frame close to her before he left the room.


	9. The Ninth Letter

Chapter 9: The Ninth Letter

Jane hated how Lucy had acted when he broke the news to her of his and Katherine’s relationship. He’d be lying to himself if he said that he hadn’t been expecting that reaction. She’d always crave the kind of affection that only her birth mother could provide. She’d never see Katherine as her mother, not as long as there was a chance her real mother might return. On the other hand, he knew Lisbon would likely not come back but he didn’t have the heart to crush his daughter’s fragile dream. That was why he decided that Lucy needed to get to know Katherine…whether she liked it or not. He hoped that soon Lucy would grow to love her. He cleared his head of the busy clusters of thought inside of it and opened his eyes. He rose from his couch and headed into Katherine’s office. He pushed open the door without knocking. 

“I need to speak with you a moment.” Jane said slowly, knowing she was probably still upset with him for leaving her that night without an explanation.  
  
“What?” Katherine said, not looking up from her work, and her voice took on a slight edge that was not lost on Jane.  
  
Jane swallowed. “I…um, I told Lucy about us…”  
  
At this, Katherine’s head went up. “You did?  
  
“Yes and…it didn’t go well at all.” Jane admitted.  
  
“Oh…” Katherine responded, trying to mask the hurt she felt. She thought Lucy and her had gotten along well at the party, but it turns out she’d been wrong.  
  
“Don’t worry though, I have a plan. Lucy’s in school at the moment but I thought, after Grace picks her up and brings her here, you could take her to soccer practice  
after work. It would be a…girls’ day, if you will.” Jane told her with a slight smile.  
  
“Jane, I don’t know if--.” Katherine started.  
  
Jane waved her concern away. “Oh, pish posh, Katherine, how is she ever going to get to know you like I do if you don’t give her the chance to?”  
  
Katherine nodded slowly, admitting he had a point. “I guess I could…”  
  
Jane smiled. “Good, Grace is picking her up in half an hour.” He walked out of her office and Katherine sighed, wondering how she was ever going to handle an eight year old girl who hated her and wanted her mom back.

 

~*~

Lisbon sat at her desk, her fingers hovering only centimeters from her cell phone. She felt like she was getting stronger day by day but she needed someone to confide in, someone she could trust to hear her secrets and fears without judging her, someone like her brother, Tommy. Even when they were kids and they’d have fights or hard days, Tommy always knew just what to say that would help the situation. Even though she was the oldest, there were times when she felt as if he was raising her, instead of the other way around. She could trust him with anything and he would always listen. That’s why he was the best one to talk to. Without another second’s hesitation she picked up the phone and dialed.  
  
He answered a few rings, sounding kind of breathless. “Hey, Reese. You know, now’s not exactly the best time. I’m bringin’ someone in.” She heard the metallic click of handcuffs that she knew so well.  
  
“But I need to talk, Tommy, please.” Lisbon almost begged. She heard Tommy pull the guy to his feet with a grunt.  
  
“Alright, I’ll call you back in about ten minutes when I turn him in, ok?”Tommy promised.  
  
“Ok.” Lisbon agreed.  
  
Ten minutes later, Lisbon’s phone rang.  
  
“Hey, what’s up, Reese?” Tommy asked.  
  
“Well, I…I’ve been thinking a lot about coming home but I still don’t know if I can…” Lisbon said carefully.  
  
“Why can’t you? What’s wrong?” Tommy said, unable to hide the concern in his voice.  
  
Lisbon sighed. “Well, so many things happened with Jane and also I keep thinking about what happened when we were kids, you know, when…”  
  
“I know.” Tommy said comfortingly.  
  
“I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be like that.” Lisbon said.  
  
“You’ll never be that way, Reese. You have too much good in you.” Tommy assured her.  
  
Lisbon paused, thankful for his unwavering faith in her. “You really think I can do this?”  
  
“I know you can. You’re my sister and I know you better than anyone. You can overcome this.” Tommy informed her.  
  
“But what if I…?” Lisbon started nervously.  
  
“Don’t focus on the “what ifs”, Reese, or else you’ll never get home. You need to focus on what lies ahead and stop letting your past, our past, hold you back. Your daughter is eight years old and she needs you. It’s not too late to make things right.” Tommy told her.  
  
“Who says Lucy even wants me to come back? I left her, she probably doesn’t want anything to do with me and neither does Jane. She begged me to come back when she was little, but she’s older now. I mean, what if it’s better this way, Tommy? I can’t disappoint her again. I did that more than once already. She saw me at Grace’s wedding when she was five. She looked me in the eyes while Jane was holding her and I ran away. What kind of mom runs away from or leaves their kid? What does that say about me?” Lisbon questioned with a slight edge to her tone.  
  
“It says that you’re letting your past control you, Teresa. You can’t keep letting it keep you from your daughter.” Tommy told her seriously.  
  
“But am I ready?” Lisbon asked quietly.  
  
Tommy sighed. “Only you can answer that, Reese.”  
  
Lisbon breathed in deeply. “Thanks, Tommy.”  
  
“You’re welcome, sis. I’ll see you soon.” Tommy assured her.  
  
“Hey…tell Annie I said hi if you talk to her.” Lisbon replied.  
  
“I will. I love you.” Tommy promised.  
  
“Love you too.” Lisbon repeated, hanging up.  
  
Once she put her phone down, Lisbon put her head in her hands.  
  
Tommy’s advice echoed in her mind. _“Don’t focus on the “what ifs…”_  
  
But Lisbon knew that not focusing on the “what ifs” would be far easier said than done.

~*~

A half hour later, Grace walked in the bullpen with Lucy in tow. Jane sat up from his position on his couch and smiled when he saw her. She came to him and dropped her backpack and duffle bag on the floor in front of the couch.  
  
“Hey, Daddy.” Lucy said, hugging him.  
  
Jane hugged her back tight, murmuring into her hair. “Hello, love. I missed you. We need to discuss something important.”  
  
“What is it, Dad? Is soccer cancelled today?” Lucy asked, pulling back to look at him.  
  
“No, actually that’s what I wanted to discuss. Come in here.” Jane said, leading her into another room.  
  
Lucy took a seat in the chair. “Dad, you better take me to practice. We’re gonna be late.”  
  
“Actually, Katherine’s going to take you to practice today. Afterward, she’ll take you out to lunch and then I’ll bring you home.” Jane informed her.  
  
“I don’t want her to take me! I don’t like her and she’ll never be my mom!” Lucy protested angrily.  
  
“It’s just one day, please. It’ll be like a girl’s day. Just once, for me. If you don’t like it you never—.”  
  
“Have to see her again?” Lucy finished frowning.  
  
Jane sighed. “I won’t make you go anywhere with her ever again.”  
  
“Fine.” Lucy muttered, getting up and heading back into the bullpen.  
  
Katherine stood there, trying to smile, and trying not to think about the fact that Jane probably just forced his daughter to let her take her to practice.  
  
“Hi, Lucy.” Katherine tried carefully.  
  
“Hey.” Lucy deadpanned, not looking at her.  
  
Katherine bent down to her level. “Are you ready for practice?”  
  
Lucy sighed and grabbed her backpack and duffle bag. “I guess.”  
  
“Ok, you two have fun.” Jane told them, smiling and Lucy shot him a glare over her shoulder when Katherine wasn’t looking. Just like her mother. Jane thought with a chuckle, watching them leave.

~*~

Once Lucy and Katherine arrived at the soccer field, Lucy went into a bathroom with her duffle bag and changed into her uniform and cleats, rejecting all of Katherine’s offers of help. When Lucy emerged, she grabbed her backpack and duffle bag and walked up to the bleachers, tossing them on one of the empty  
benches.  
  
“You can wait up here. Practice ends at four.” Lucy informed her without a hint of expression as Katherine came up.  
  
“I…well, ok.” Katherine said awkwardly, sitting down on the bench next to Lucy’s things, crossing her legs.  
  
“Don’t touch my stuff,” Lucy warned, and made her way quickly down the bleacher steps and onto the field toward her coach.  
  
“Lucy! You’re late!” the coach said, fixing her baseball cap.  
  
“Blame my Dad’s girlfriend; it took her twenty minutes to find the field, even with my Dad’s directions.” Lucy muttered. The other girls on her team were already practicing and Lucy saw the goalie dive for the ball and miss.  
  
“Work on those blocks, Karina!” the coach bellowed.  
  
“Can I go in, Coach?” Lucy asked.  
  
“Yeah, but warm up first. Do some stretches.” The coach ordered and Lucy stood off to the side and did as she was told. She tied her hair into a mediocre ponytail when she was finished and ran into the fray to join the practice.  
  
Up in the bleachers a woman with blonde hair tapped Katherine on the shoulder. “Are you Lucy’s mom?”  
  
Katherine turned and shook her head. “Oh no, no, I’m not. Her Dad asked me to take her. We’re um, dating, I guess. I’m Katherine.”  
  
“I’m Michelle. I see, no wonder she’s not too happy. It’s sad, her Dad brings her here every Thursday but he never mentioned her mom. I wonder where she is. Divorce maybe? Poor girl.” the woman replied sadly.  
  
“Yeah…it must be hard.” Katherine agreed.  
  
When the woman turned away towards the field, Katherine examined the keychain on Lucy’s backpack. In it was a small photo of a smiling dark haired woman in a hospital bed, (whom Lucy seemed to resemble) holding a baby whom Katherine assumed was Lucy and next to her was a smiling Jane with his hand over the dark-haired woman’s. Katherine knew the woman in the photo must be Lucy’s mother and she looked strangely familiar. She turned her attention back to the game just in time to see Lucy score a goal.  
  
Katherine got to her feet and clapped. “Great job, Lucy!”  
  
Lucy looked toward stands, imagining her mother in Katherine’s place. Even though she’d only seen her briefly when she was five, she still remembered her mother’s face so clearly. She imagined her mother’s shoulder length dark waves blowing in the light wind and that she was wearing a blazer, button up shirt, and suit pants that her father always said she used to wear to work.

She wanted her to be there, not Katherine, the woman her Dad tried to force on her. She wanted her mom in those stands, at the championship game, cheering her on. Soon, her vision of her mother disappeared and she saw Katherine again. Lucy passed the ball angrily to another girl with and looked down as she started to cry angry tears. Lucy ran toward the bleachers and hurried up to get her duffle bag with her clothes inside, trying her hardest not to let Katherine see her cry.  
  
“What’s wrong, Lucy?” Katherine asked gently as Lucy headed toward the bathrooms.  
  
“Leave me alone!” Lucy answered angrily, slamming a stall door in her face and beginning to change.  
  
Katherine was stunned. Lucy really did hate her. She’d changed completely from when Katherine met her at her eighth birthday…but that was before Lucy knew she was her father’s girlfriend. She supposed Patrick must have intimacy issues after the death of his wife and the end of his relationship with Lucy’s mother.

 _Who is this woman,_ she thought, t _hat can have such an effect on them and cause them both so much pain from miles away? Patrick still loves her…not me. It was never me._  
  
When Lucy changed and collected herself, she came out of the stall wearing her normal clothes and a frown.  
  
Lucy crossed her arms across her chest. “Take me to my Dad. Now.”  
  
“Ok, in a little bit, wouldn’t you like to go to lunch first? I’m sure you’re hungry.” Katherine offered.  
  
“No, I’m not. Take me to my Dad.” Lucy said firmly.  
  
“Please? Just let me take you to lunch.” Katherine pleaded.  
  
Lucy’s hunger overcame her and she nodded. “Fine, but let’s make one thing clear. You’re _not_ my mom, you won’t ever _be_ my mom, and you won’t even be _like_ a mom. My mom _isn’t_ dead, I’ve seen her, and one day she’s gonna come back and marry my dad and we’ll be happy so I wouldn’t get too comfortable.”  
  
Katherine stood there a moment, shocked that the little girl could be so brazen with her, before opening her mouth. “I don’t think you’re father would appreciate all the disrespect you’ve just shown me.”  
  
“I just want my mom, ok?! That’s something you’ll never understand!” Lucy yelled, grabbing her backpack off the bleachers. She hitched her duffle bag up further on her shoulder and hurried to Katherine’s car.  
  
The drive to the restaurant was silent and when they arrived, Lucy left her stuff in the car and moodily accompanied Katherine inside. The hostess escorted them to a table and handed them menus.  
  
“Do you want the grilled cheese? Your Dad says that’s your favorite.” Katherine said.  
  
Lucy let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t care. I wish my _mom_ was here to take me to practice and then lunch…not you.”  
  
A question struck Katherine after the waiter came to take their drink orders. “Lucy,” she began, “what’s your mom’s name?”  
  
“Teresa,” Lucy said simply, “Teresa Lisbon.”  
  
Katherine couldn’t believe it. Lucy’s mother was the same woman who had held the Senior Agent position before her. Lucy was the obvious product of a relationship between her and Jane. Was this what Patrick did? Were there other bosses before Lisbon? It was easy to surmise that Lisbon had left him so she supposed he was just trying to move on but the pattern was something she couldn’t ignore and decided to question him later.  
  
“I see.” Katherine responded, nodding.  
  
The waiter came with their drinks of ice tea and fruit punch and then proceeded to take their order. Lucy ordered grilled cheese with fries and Katherine ordered a cheese burger and fries. The waiter soon left to fulfill their orders.  
  
“Lucy, look, I can tell how hard this must--.” Katherine started.  
  
Lucy cut her off. “No, you don’t know and you will never know how hard this is. My mom left a few weeks after I was born. The only thing I have from her is these stupid letters Dad reads to me and pictures of her that my Uncle Tommy, Uncle Michael and Uncle James gave to me. I saw her at Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby’s wedding when I was five and she looked at me and ran away like she was scared. How would you feel if you saw your mom for the first time, _for real_ and she runs away! How would that make you feel? You’ve had both your mom and dad since you were born. For me, it’s just been me and my dad, _no one_ else. I don’t need anyone else but my mom. If you thought you were gonna be my mom and live with me and my dad, you’re not because he still loves my mom. I can tell so stop trying to act like you’re gonna replace her.”  
  
“Lucy, I was never trying to replace her. I’m just trying to give you and your Dad some extra support.” Katherine explained gently, sipping iced tea.  
  
“Well, we don’t need it so can you leave us alone so my mom can come back?” Lucy asked coldly.  
  
The more Katherine thought about it, the more breaking up with Jane seemed like the right choice. Neither Jane nor Lucy loved her and she couldn’t make them, that was a fact and she didn’t think she could continue to be hurt like this. If she ever married Patrick, she realized she’d have to spend her life loving a man who in no way felt the same.  
  
When they finished lunch, Katherine paid and then she and Lucy got back into her car. Again, the drive to CBI was completely silent, neither Lucy nor the extremely hurt Katherine said a word. They arrived at CBI and no sooner pulled in the front parking space reserved for the Senior Agent of SCU before Lucy had her seatbelt off and was collecting her stuff from the backseat. She put her backpack on her shoulders and slung her duffle bag across her body before heading inside the building, not waiting for Katherine.  
  
“Hey, Lucy. Goin’ up to see your Dad again?” the old security guard, Al, greeted her.  
  
“Yeah,” Lucy answered and she took the Visitor ID he handed her and clipped it on her duffle bag strap.  
  
“You say hi to him for me. Say, where’s Agent Hill? Didn’t you leave with her?” Al asked.  
  
“She’s at her car.” Lucy answered without expression and headed towards the elevator, hitting the up button.  
  
Outside, in the parking lot, Katherine leaned against her department-issue SUV, crying. Everything the little girl had said had accomplished exactly what she knew Lucy inevitably wanted: to drive her away so her mom could come back.

Katherine had been trying to lie to herself after Jane’s failed attempt at the intimate act he had tried to complete with her. She knew why he couldn’t do it. He probably pictured Teresa instead of her. Lucy was right; she was never going to settle down with them.

He didn’t want a wife; all he wanted was a mother to fill the void in Lucy’s heart. Although, after today, the fact that Lucy didn’t want one was abundantly clear. The only one she needed was Teresa and unfortunately, Katherine knew she’d never measure up in either of their eyes so right then and there she decided to break things off with Jane.

Without a single regret over her choice, she wiped her eyes and headed into the building.

~*~

The elevator doors opened on the fourth floor and Lucy came out, heading straight through the bullpen to the couch where her dad was sleeping. She shook him awake by the shoulder.  
  
“Dad!” Lucy said loudly and Jane smiled and opened his eyes, sitting up. He pulled her into a hug and Grace smiled behind her.  
  
“How did it go?” Jane asked as she took her bags off and put them on the floor.  
  
Lucy took a seat on his couch next to him. “Horrible.”  
  
Jane put an arm around her shoulders. “Why is that?”  
  
Lucy frowned exactly like he remembered her mother used to. “Because she’s weird. Look, Dad, I don’t wanna talk about it.”  
  
A moment later, the elevator dinged and Katherine came in. Jane noticed her eyes were red, most likely from crying. He supposed it was due to the less-than-amicable way her and Lucy’s outing went.  
  
“We need to talk, Jane.” Katherine said, crossing her arms.  
  
“Alright. Lucy, go start your homework in that conference room.” Jane told her, pointing.  
  
“But Dad, it’s math. You always help me with math.” Lucy complained.  
  
“Do as much as you can and then I’ll come assist you.” Jane answered.  
  
Grace looked at him. “I’m pretty good with math. I can help her.”  
  
“Thank you, Grace.” he said, as she and Lucy headed into the conference room to start.  
  
He followed Katherine into her office. She shut the door behind them and turned to him, her arms crossed.  
  
“How many more have there been, Jane?” she asked icily.  
  
Jane looked confused. “What do you mean, Katherine?”  
  
“How many more bosses did you date before Agent Lisbon? Is this what you do? Do you just take every boss out on dates?” she questioned.  
  
“No, no, Katherine. I started working here when Teresa signed me onto her team. There’s only been her.” he explained.  
  
Katherine sighed and leaned on the desk, facing him. “But I know you still love her, it’s always been her, hasn’t it? That’s why you can’t be intimate with me, right? Because you’re thinking of _her_. I’ll never be Teresa, will I? I’ll never be good enough no matter what I do. I’ll never be good enough for either of you. This day with Lucy was a disaster. I know you were only trying to give her a mother but the only one she’ll accept is Teresa and she’s the only one I know you’ll be happy with. Convince her to come back. I care about you, Patrick. I want you to be happy and I want Lucy to be happy. She said some things that woke me up and I’m sorry but I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who’s in love with someone else. It’s not possible to make it work anymore. You’re a good man, Patrick, you deserve happiness and your daughter deserves the same.”  
  
Jane looked at her. “I’m sorry, Katherine, I shouldn’t have led you on or used you the way I did. You’re right, I am still very much in love with Teresa…I tried to move on but I see now that I can’t. I was only trying to ease Lucy’s pain a little; this has been hard on both of us. I’m so sorry, you deserve happiness as well and it’s not too late to find it.”  
  
“I don’t think I’m ready to be in anymore relationships. I’m still not completely over Michael’s death and I just…”  
  
“I understand completely, if you need to talk, I’m here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take my daughter home.” Jane said quietly.  
  
Katherine kissed his cheek gently. “Good luck, Patrick.”  
  
“Thank you, Katherine.” Jane said, leaving the office and going to collect Lucy to take her home.

~*~

At home, while Jane was cooking dinner, Lucy went in her room. She took out the box of letters & pulled them all out reading the ones her father had already read to her over the years about her mother’s former co-workers. She realized her mother had said that Grace was her best friend and as her best friend, Lucy knew Grace would keep all of her mother’s secrets.

She would have her phone number and Lucy decided she could call her mother and convince her to come back herself, now that Katherine wasn’t in the picture anymore. She could feel it, she was finally going to see her mom again…and this time she’d stay for good.

She was also sure that if Aunt Grace told her father that she talked to her mother, he wouldn’t like it because he didn’t want her to get her hopes too high only to be heartbroken. Lucy guessed that’s why her mother didn’t call anymore…because she didn’t want to hurt her. _That’s it_ , Lucy thought, _I’m gonna have to do this without Aunt Grace or my Dad knowing._

~*~

When Lucy’s ninth birthday arrived, she greeted her guests happily. When she hugged Grace and stealthy took her phone out her back pocket using the trick her father taught her and hid it behind her back, smiling. As she finished greeting her guests, she quickly looked through Grace’s contacts and copied down her mother’s number on a sticky note, sliding it in her shorts pocket. She slipped the phone back into Grace’s purse just as she came back into the room.  
“Come on, Lucy! Let’s go on the trampoline!” Lucy’s best friend, Karina, yelled. As Lucy moved to follow her, Grace grabbed her arm gently.  
  
“Lucy, have you seen my phone?” she asked, concerned.  
  
“Yeah, it’s in your purse. You dropped it and I picked it up.” Lucy told her.  
  
Grace smiled. “Ok, thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome, Aunt Grace.” Lucy replied sweetly, going to join her friends. After they played, Lucy and her guests dined on pizza and soda. Before long, it was time for cake. Lucy settled into the chair in front of her cake and smiled as her Dad lit the candles.  
  
The guests began a loud rendition of “Happy birthday” and afterwards, Lucy closed her eyes.  
  
“Make a wish, love.” Jane told her quietly and his heart hurt as he thought of what it would be.  
  
Lucy made her wish for her mother’s return, as she did every year, and blew out the candles amid the clapping of her guests.  
  
After the cake was served, the presents were opened, and the goodbyes were said, Lucy headed upstairs and changed into her pajamas. She quickly hid the sticky note with her mother’s number in her nightstand drawer as Jane entered.  
  
“Are you ready for your mother’s letter?” Jane asked, looking at her.  
  
“Yeah.” Lucy said, sitting in his lap on the bed as he opened it and began reading:

 _“Dear Lucy,_  
_The next person I wanted to tell you about is one of my old bosses, Virgil Minelli. He was like a dad to me because well, my dad wasn’t the best. He drank a lot but that’s a different story. Minelli was a great friend to me and he was also very good about putting up with your dad’s antics but, after a while, even he had his limits. He was also very kind and fair and I was proud to call him my boss. As always, I hope Dad takes care of you and keeps you safe. I love you and miss you more everyday and I think of you a lot. You’re my everything and the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I l love you so much and that will never change, no matter how far away I am._  
_Love,_  
_Mommy”_

Jane let Lucy crawl into bed before folding the letter up and kissing his daughter’s forehead.  
  
“You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise.” He reminded her in a whisper.  
  
“I know. I love you, Dad.” Lucy responded.  
  
“I love you too.” he said, going to the doorway, shutting out the light and leaving the room.  
  
When Lucy heard him go to bed, she crept out of her bed and retrieved the number from the nightstand drawer before going into the kitchen and getting the phone. Fingers shaking, she carefully dialed her mother’s number.  
  
After a few rings, Lucy heard her mother’s sleepy voice on the other end. “Jane? How did you find this number? Do you know what time it is?”  
  
Lucy breathed in nervously before whispering, “It’s not Dad, he’s asleep. Hi, Mom, it’s me, Lucy.”

 


	10. The Tenth Letter

Chapter 10: The Tenth Letter

Upon hearing her daughter’s voice, Lisbon sat straight up in bed. “Lucy? How did you find my phone number?”

Lucy was silent for a moment. “I might’ve…taken Aunt Grace’s phone and found your phone number…I just want you back, mom, please come home.”

Lisbon suddenly felt lightheaded and her mouth went dry. She didn’t know how to respond to her daughter’s pleas and she hadn’t expected her to do something like this, though she hadn’t taken into account that an investigative nature from her side and a sneaky resourcefulness from Jane’s side were both in Lucy’s blood. She wanted to say something, anything to keep from disappointing her daughter a fourth time, but no words would come.

“Mom?” Lucy said, concern evident in her voice.

“I’m right here,” Lisbon replied, “I can’t come back, sweetheart, at least not yet.”

“Why not?” Lucy questioned innocently and the question hit Lisbon like a ton of bricks as she struggled to find an answer. She couldn’t directly answer her daughter’s question because that would involve revealing the secret to her, the secret that was in the final letter, and the secret that had kept her away for nine years. Lucy was far too young to know the truth of why she’d left. That was why Lisbon had put it in the last letter.

She knew Lucy would be sixteen by then and mature enough to handle such a large burden. Whether Lucy would still want her back after knowing such a horrible thing remained to be seen. Even if she did, when Jane found out, it would be highly unlikely that he’d allow her to be in Lucy’s life at all. That was why she’d hoped Lucy would never have known her so that she would have a better life.

At the same time, Lisbon had felt obligated to offer her daughter an explanation of her life and for her absence. She’d never expected her daughter to be so tenacious about getting her to come home but she should have given that both her and Jane’s tenacity was certain to run in their daughter’s blood as well. If Lucy was anything like her father, she would stop at nothing to get her home and given the dangerous secret she was harboring, that was what scared Lisbon most of all, just as she had been scared when Jane was tirelessly hunting his nemesis, Red John.

“Because,” Lisbon answered after a pause, “I’m not…I’m not ready.”

“You shouldn’t have to be ready, Mom, you should come home because it’s the right thing to do. Dad and I need you. He made me go to soccer practice with his stupid girlfriend last month and when she was cheering for me when I made a goal I kept wishing she was you,” Lucy said, struggling to hold in tears before continuing,   
  
“Do you know what that feels like, to have a mom that’s alive and know she doesn’t want you? And Dad’s still in love with you, you know, the only reason he even goes out with her is because you’re not here. He wants you and I want you. Why don’t you get that? We’re tired of you hiding, Mom. Why do you wanna hurt us?”

Lisbon swallowed, holding back tears that stung her eyes, threatening to fall. “I…I don’t wanna hurt you, Lucy, I promise…”

“Then you should come home. The girls on my team always ask why my Dad takes me to practice when they all get taken by their moms. I always lie and say that you’re working but you’re not because you’re not even here.” Lucy informed her, and Lisbon’s heart clenched at the obvious pain in her daughter’s voice.

Lucy’s words hurt Lisbon a thousand times more than Jane’s ever had, mostly because there was nothing she could do to heal her daughter’s fragile heart or fulfill her constant dream. She couldn’t bear to put her only daughter in harm’s way, even though her heart consistently begged her to go back and try to work everything out, despite her dark secret. But she knew she couldn’t do it, Lucy meant too much to her. Besides, if she went back and something went wrong, she would lose both of them forever and that was too high of a price to pay.

Lisbon took a shaky breath. “I need you to know, Lucy, I love you and your Dad so much…but I just can’t come home right now.”

Tears spilled out of Lucy’s eyes. “I’ll never stop wishing, Mom, one day we’ll be a family again…we need you. I love you. One day you’ll be home.”

Lisbon held her tears in longer still. “I hope so, maybe one day, sweetheart. I love you but you need to sleep now and don’t wake up your Dad, ok?”

“Ok.” Lucy said sadly.

“Bye sweetheart.” Lisbon answered.

“Wait, mom. Can you come to my Championship soccer game? Please?” Lucy asked.

“That depends, when is it?” Lisbon said.

“Saturday, two weeks from now at 5 o’clock at Conway Soccer Field. It’s by a middle school.” Lucy informed her.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Lisbon told her sincerely, privately wondering whether Jane would want her there. He probably wouldn’t, but Lucy had asked her not him. She would show up but she would make sure her daughter never saw her so she wouldn’t face the same disappointment she had a few years ago but the mother part of her ached to see her daughter excelling at something she was passionate about. In the same way, she had excelled as a state agent after her parents’ deaths.

“Ok, mom. Thanks.” Lucy answered, sighing.

“Bye, sweetheart.” Lisbon replied quietly.

“Bye, mom.” Lucy said softly, and then her mother was gone. She tiptoed quietly back into the room and crawled into her bed. She lay on her side for a few moments, tears shining on her cheeks in the sliver of moonlight that peeked in through her window. The tears made wet circles on her pillowcase before she closed her eyes and went to sleep. She held on to the hope that her mother would attend and decide to come home because that was all she could do.

~*~

Jane could tell there was something different about Lucy. While they were normally close, he felt as if there was something she was hiding from him, some secret that she was afraid of him finding out. Despite this, he realized Lucy seemed more…hopeful than before, possibly about her mother’s return but he couldn’t be sure without talking to her.

On the car ride to soccer practice that afternoon, Jane resolved to figure out what she was hiding.

“How was school today?” he began nonchalantly, looking at his daughter in the backseat through the rearview mirror for a few seconds.

“Good…we learned some cool stuff in science today.” She said, playing with her backpack zipper.

“That’s good. Are you alright, love? You seem upset.” he replied.

“I’m fine, why?” Lucy answered, looking at him.

“Are you thinking about your mother again? You only look like that when you’re thinking of her. Are you?” Jane questioned, his eyes flicking up to look at her.

“No…I…” Lucy started, trying to think of a believable lie.

Jane gave his daughter a pointed look. “Lucy, please be honest with me.”

“I talked to mom last night.” Lucy finally muttered.

“You what? How?” Jane asked, not entirely surprised.

“I took Aunt Grace’s phone without her feeling it like you taught me and copied the number.” Lucy admitted.

Jane sighed, remembering when he taught that knowing she might use it one day. “Why did you do it?”

“I did it because she’s not here, Dad! She needs to come home! I’m tired of her not being here! I know you’re still love with her and I know I still need her so break-up with your stupid girlfriend and help me get mom back!” Lucy yelled.

Jane cleared his throat. “First, Katherine did break up with me and second, I’ve tried, Lucy, many times. You can’t force her to come back; she’ll come when and if, she’s ready.”

Lucy let out a frustrated sigh. “When will that be? We’ve waited a long time, Dad.”

“I know, love, you just have to be patient with her, your mother is…” he thought for a moment before continuing, “scared.”

“But why? I’m her daughter, not a psycho.” Lucy replied sternly.

“It’s not you she’s scared of, Lucy…it’s herself.” Jane said matter-of-factly.

“But why, Dad?” Lucy asked again, mildly frustrated that her dad didn’t have all the answers like he claimed to.

“I don’t…I don’t know yet.” Jane said. It was one of the few times in life he ever uttered those words and genuinely meant them. It wasn’t his fault Teresa kept her secret so guarded. She obviously wanted to make sure no one, least of all, him, could see what she was hiding.

He pulled up to the practice field and Lucy got out without another word, grabbing her duffle bag, backpack, and water bottle.

He followed up to the bleachers and took a seat, letting her drop her backpack and water bottle beside him. She hurried down the bleachers and into the girls’ restroom to change. As he watched her emerge from the restroom, her mouth set in a grim line, focused on her task, he was reminded of her mother. Lisbon was driven and she could speak volumes with just one look. Even though she had grown up with very little contact to her, his daughter was very much her mother’s child.

Lucy headed onto the field as the coach blew the whistle and called for warm ups. She found the free spot next to her best friend, Karina, and started.

“Are you ok, Luc?” Karina asked, looking at her friend as they began to jog in place.

Lucy sighed. “I invited my mom to the championship last night, on the phone.”

“But your mom’s on a business trip isn’t she?” Karina asked, shocked.

“No, she’s not. She…left my Dad when I was baby. I’ve never met her. I remember seeing her, once, at my Aunt Grace and Uncle Rigsby’s wedding when I was five, but she saw me and she…she ran away. I don’t think she wants me. I don’t think she ever wanted me. Dad said she’s afraid of herself but I don’t even know what that means.” Lucy explained.

Karina frowned. “Why did you lie to me and the team?”

Lucy sighed. “Because I thought you guys wouldn’t like me because my mom’s not around…and you can’t tell them that.”

“Ok, but we’re here for you, Luc. So, what’d she say?” Karina questioned.

“She…she said she’d think about it. I’m just scared she’ll run away again if she sees me. I don’t wanna disappoint her again.” Lucy replied.

“At least she’ll think about it and maybe she’ll come back when she meets you…” Karina suggested helpfully.

“Or maybe she’ll just leave again and I’ll be stuck with those stupid letters.” Lucy answered bitterly.

“What letters?” Karina said, and the coach blew the whistle to change exercises and the girls did.

“The letters Dad reads me every year on my birthday. There’s box of them, they tell me stuff about her but they’re not good enough. I just want her back but she’s too scared. It’s annoying.” Lucy explained harshly.

“Well, maybe she’ll come to the game.” Karina answered.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “I don’t think so, she doesn’t want anything to do with me or my Dad.”

“Yeah, hey, who was that lady that brought you to practice? Everyone kept saying it was your mom.” Karina told her.

“No way, that was my Dad’s stupid girlfriend who tried to be my mom. She broke up with him though. She was annoying. I hated her.” Lucy said.

Karina nodded understandingly. “Oh, I’m sorry. How does your Dad feel about you inviting your mom to the game?”

Lucy bit her lip. “I actually…haven’t told him that part.”

“Oh, geez. Do they get along?” Karina queried.

“Well, I’ve never seen them together so I don’t know but I think my Dad still loves her.” Lucy answered.

“Oh…maybe they’ll get back together at the game.” Karina added.

“I hope so but with the way my mom acts…I don’t think that’ll happen.” Lucy replied sadly.

“I’m sorry, Luc.” Karina offered comfortingly.

“I know,” Lucy panted as the coach blew the whistle to start the practice game, “I am too.”

Lucy got placed in the goalie net this time. She was focused as one of the girls accepted a pass and headed toward the goal. The girl kicked the ball and Lucy dove for it, blocking it with her body and then falling hard onto the grass. She winced and then got up again, brushing grass off of her shorts. She turned and snuck a quick glance at her dad, sitting with his legs crossed in the stands, dressed in his usual suit.

In fact, she couldn’t remember a time when he wore anything else. When she caught his eye, he winked and she smiled, turning her attention back to the game. The ball passed quickly from girl to girl again and then one girl started toward the goal. She stopped and kicked it hard and again, Lucy dove but she wasn’t quick enough and the ball went in the goal.

She rose from the ground again, unhappy with herself for not blocking the ball. She blocked three more goals and before long, the coach’s whistle sounded, signaling the end of practice. Lucy jogged off to the side of the field and put the protective covers over the spikes on her cleats before going up to the bleachers to collect her duffle bag. She grabbed it and looked at her dad.

“Good practice today, love, I’m proud of you.” Jane told her.

“Thanks, Dad.” Lucy replied, panting a little and feeling sweaty. Lucy took a sip of her water, going into the restroom and there she saw Karina, still in uniform, at the sink washing the sweat off of her arms and legs. Lucy took the sink next to her after checking that they were alone.

“Are you ok?” Karina asked for the second time that day.

“Yeah, I just hope Isabella didn’t hear the thing about my mom. She’d use any excuse to make fun of me. She hates me.” Lucy muttered.

Karina frowned. “I don’t like her, she’s weird. Anyway, why didn’t you tell him?”

“Because he doesn’t want me to see her, K, he thinks she’ll hurt me again like when I saw her the last time.” Lucy explained.

“He’s just being a good dad.” Karina replied.

“I know but still…”Lucy said, sighing and heading into a stall to change.

When she came out, now in the clothes she wore to school, Karina smiled.

“It’ll be ok, Luc, see you at the next practice.”

“Ok.” Lucy said, going out of the bathroom and accidently bumping into a blonde girl who frowned at her.

“Move, loser.” The girl told Lucy meanly.

“Get a life, Isabella.” Lucy said, glaring back at her and trying to push past her.

“You look hot, do you need some water?” Isabella asked sweetly, grabbing the bottle out of Lucy’s hand.

“Hey! Give that back!” Lucy yelled, grabbing for it.

Isabella grinned maliciously. “Let’s cool you off.” With that, she poured Lucy’s water on her head and threw the bottle away, laughing. Lucy’s fists curled at her sides, nails digging into her palms as Isabella’s friends walked up, laughing.

“Leave her alone, Isabella!” Karina said forcefully, coming up beside her.

“Or what? Go cry to your mommy, Lucy, oh wait…she left you didn’t she? Even her own mom didn’t want her.” Isabella teased.

“SHUT UP!” Lucy roared, pushing, past her, not wanting to get in trouble so close to the championship game.

She hurried to her Dad and grabbed her things, trying not to let what Isabella said get to her.

“What’s wrong, love?” Jane asked.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Dad.” Lucy snapped as they headed to his car.

~*~

The day of the championship game arrived and Lucy’s nerves were on edge. Mostly because her mom could be in those stands, watching, and waiting to see Lucy win. She’d gotten better at blocking and scoring goals and she’d hoped that she’d be the one to score the winning goal because then her mom would finally be proud, that is, if she were even here. Lucy scanned the crowd before the coach called for a pep talk, but she hadn’t been able to pick her out. She only saw her Dad, Aunt Grace, Uncle Rigsby and Uncle Cho’s faces in the crowd. Maybe she’s not here, Lucy thought, maybe stupid Isabella was right.

Lisbon arrived at the soccer field ten minutes before the game was due to start. She picked a seat in the back, shielded by many people so that Jane, Lucy or her ex-team wouldn’t spot her. She’d flown all the way down from New York to cheer her daughter on at her soccer game but she didn’t want to disappoint her again the way she had before. From her seat, she could make out the girls on the side of the field and she spotted Lucy immediately. She was amazed to see how beautiful she had become since she’d last saw her.

She looked even more like her now and that scared Lisbon as well as touched her. Lucy would always be a part of her; the secret would never take that away.

Lucy glanced up at the stands again and Lisbon ducked her head behind the person in front of her. She could see Jane a few rows down below her, sitting with her team. She missed him and Lucy and her old team so much, but she wasn’t ready to return. The game started and the ball went from girl to girl until one girl from Lucy’s team got it and headed toward the goal, the girl kicked and scored and the families from Lucy’s team, including Lisbon, rose and cheered. The ball got kicked again from girl to girl but this time, no one could intercept the other team’s pass. Before long, the other team scored and the families of the other team cheered.

Soon, the other team was leading, four to two. Jane got up and went up toward the concession stand at the top of the bleachers. Lisbon ducked but she wasn’t fast enough and she and Jane locked eyes. Not wanting to cause a scene, Jane bought his hot dog and went back down to his seat. Meanwhile, the girls passed the ball back and forth until a girl from Lucy’s team intercepted the pass and took it to the goal. She kicked and the ball bounced into the net. The families of Lucy’s team, again, including Lisbon, rose and clapped. Lisbon was proud of how well her daughter was playing.

She was very athletic and Lisbon was reminded fiercely of herself. Before long, the game was tied at four to four and it was the second half. The ball passed from girl to girl on the opposing team until Lucy intercepted a pass and took it to the goal, a girl ran along beside her trying to take the ball, but Lucy was too fast.

Time seemed to slow as Lucy stopped, preparing to take a shot. She kicked the ball and it flew through the air towards the goal. The goalie dived but missed and tumbled to the ground. The ball hit the net and then bounced to the ground. The families of Lucy’s team erupted in thunderous cheers and Jane went up the bleachers and put his lips next to Lisbon’s ear, “Let’s talk. Now.”

Jane and Lisbon made their way down the bleachers and under them.

“What are you doing here, Teresa?” Jane demanded harshly.

Lisbon frowned. “Supporting my daughter.”

“Why? You shouldn’t be here. If she sees you, you’ll disappoint her again. Do you want that? Haven’t you hurt her enough?” Jane said coldly.

“She asked me to come, Jane. I’m her mother.” Lisbon shot back angrily.

“She what?” Jane asked, momentarily taken aback.

“Yeah, she asked me here on the phone a few weeks ago. She didn’t tell you?” Lisbon asked, crossing her arms and giving him a glare that could crack ice.

“No, probably because she knows I don’t want you anywhere near her.” Jane replied.

“You can’t keep me from seeing her, you know. She’s my daughter too and she’ll always be my daughter.” Lisbon affirmed fiercely.

“I told you once before Teresa, you are not a mother. You stayed for six weeks after she was born. I was the one who changed all her diapers, wiped her tears, and soothed her fevers while you ran away to wherever it is you’re hiding to sleep with random detectives in a feeble attempt to tell yourself Lucy and I aren’t a part of your life and then you show up here, trying to act like you care. If you really cared, you would tell me the damn secret and let me help you. But you won’t because you don’t like to have weaknesses. You want to love us, I know you do, but that secret has made you more closed off than before and I’m--.” Jane stopped when he saw Lisbon freeze.

“Teresa?” he asked, turning to see what she was staring at.

“Mom?” Lucy said carefully, coming around the bleachers to see why her Dad was upset.

“I...I can’t…I can’t stay, Lucy, I’m very proud of you just know that, ok? You did amazing today. I love you…I love you so much.” Lisbon said slowly, trying to leave.

Grace, Rigsby, and Cho came around the bleachers to see what was going on.

Grace put her hands on Lucy’s shoulders. “Boss…please stay.”

Lisbon shook her head. “I can’t…I can’t.”

Lucy’s eyes started to tear up. “Please…”

Jane watched somberly as Lisbon turned her back to them and started walking away quickly, trying to hide her tears. Lucy wrenched herself free of Grace’s grasp and ran toward her mother grabbing her arm.

“Stay, please, Mom! Stay!” Lucy begged through tears.

Lisbon pulled away and looked at her, eyes watering with tears. “Please stay away, just please. I can’t…”

Lucy watched her mom’s retreating back. “Why?! WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?! WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?”

“You’ll find out,” Lisbon answered back, stopping again to look at her, “in the last letter.”

And with that, she was gone to her car, leaving a stunned Jane, Lucy, Rigsby, Grace, and Cho in her wake.

~*~

Lucy’s tenth birthday arrived, and she was anything but happy. She’d had her mother in her grasp and she let her leave again. She couldn’t stop thinking about the last letter, she’d wanted to open it but her father insisted she was too young and that she should wait. The guests arrived and Lucy greeted each with something less than enthusiasm. She didn’t want cake, she didn’t want the presents, and most of all, she didn’t want the stupid letters. She wanted something that wasn’t material: her mother. The same thing she’d wanted since she was two years old but it was clear Isabella was right: she didn’t want her. But she was never going to stop wishing. Soon, the cake was cut, “Happy birthday” was sung, and the gifts were opened. Once everyone left, Lucy went upstairs to get her pajamas on and settled in bed. Her dad came in without a word, knowing she wasn’t ready for the letter. Despite that, he opened it and started reading:

_“Dear Lucy,_

_I bet by now you’re probably wondering why I decided to be a cop and chase killers for a living. It’s dangerous and uncertain and not a job that most people would willingly choose. Both my parents died when I was young and both of them chose careers that saved people so maybe it’s just in my blood. My mom was a nurse and my dad was a firefighter. I think the real reason is because my mom was killed by a drunk driver, but we never found out who it was. As soon as I could, I enrolled in the Police Academy and worked my way up to a CBI agent. I spent years hunting for her killer but I never found him. One of the people who helped me become the cop I am today was Sam Bosco. He was great and I was close to him. He taught me everything I know about investigating and one time…he even told me he loved me before he died but I never felt the same way. That’s another story. Anyway, I love you and miss you every day and I never stop thinking about you. Happy birthday._

_Love,_

_Mommy”_

When Jane finished reading, he closed up the letter, kissed her head and whispered, “I love you” in her ear before he turned off her light and left the room. Lucy settled her head on her pillow and closed her eyes and the last thing she saw before she fell asleep was her mother’s face and she resolved that the next time she saw her, she’d never let her go again.

 


	11. The Eleventh Letter

Chapter 11: The Eleventh Letter

Lucy didn’t want to go to soccer practice anymore, at least not while Isabella was there to make her life miserable. In a matter of weeks, Isabella had managed to turn the entire team against her, with the exception of Karina. Karina refused to believe the lies Isabella was spreading through the team like wildfire, all of them terrible and all of them involving the absence of Lucy’s mother. As much as the lies and whispers bothered her, Lucy forced herself to show up. It was a matter of pride and she wasn’t about to let to Isabella think she’d won, even though she sort of had.

“Lucy, are you ready for practice, love?” she heard her father call from downstairs.

Lucy sighed heavily and grabbed her duffle bag containing her uniform, cleats, apple and water bottle. She put the strap over her head and let it cross her body. She steeled herself not to show any sadness or her father would question her.

“I’m ready.” she answered, coming down the stairs.

“Alright, come on, we don’t want to be late.” Jane said briskly, heading towards the front door.

Actually, Lucy thought bitterly, the less time I have to spend with people who hate me, the better.

“Ok, Dad.” she said quietly as they climbed in his car and drove to practice.

As soon as Lucy arrived, she headed to the girls’ restroom to change, praying there was no one from her team still in there. Seeing no one, she breathed a sigh of relief and changed, pulling her dark brown hair that was so much like her mother’s, into a ponytail. She kept the covers on her cleats as she climbed up the bleachers, aware that the team was on the field doing stretches. She could feel their eyes on her but the last thing she wanted to do was let them know how much it bothered her. She dropped her duffle bag next to her father in the stands, ran out to the field, and leaned against the fence to take her cleat covers off. She took her place next to Karina and began.

“Hey, look, Isabella. It’s the orphan.” one girl sneered.

“Aww, do you think she misses her mommy? I hear she was at the Championship but she left, maybe the sight of her ugly little troll was too much for her.” Isabella cooed, giggling with her crew.

Lucy’s anger turned to rage and Karina put a hand on her arm.

“Don’t listen to them, Luc.” she told her, but Lucy clenched her fists.

“Can you believe that? If I had a daughter that ugly, I’d leave too.” another girl commented and Karina’s head snapped around, having heard enough.

“Hey, Malibu Barbies, we don’t remember asking for your opinions so shut up.” Karina growled.

The girls just mocked them and laughed, enjoying Lucy’s pain. Soon, the coach called for the girls to start the practice game. Lucy was goalie and she dreaded the things that Isabella and her friends might do. But she didn’t want to give Isabella the satisfaction of seeing her run to the coach so she didn’t argue. The coach blew her whistle as Lucy and her team got in place. The ball passed at a dizzying rate from girl to girl, until one of them kicked it and ran ahead, preparing to take a shot. When the girl kicked, Lucy dove and the ball hit her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her.

She could see a slight grin on the girl’s face as she headed back into formation. They didn’t care whether she blocked the ball or not, they just wanted to hurt her, but Lucy wasn’t about to let them. Lucy got up, acting like it hadn’t fazed her as the ball passed from girl to girl again, but this time it when in the goal as Lucy missed. For a third time the ball passed from girl to girl and Lucy’s stomach churned when she saw who was in possession of it: Isabella.

Isabella ran quickly toward her, doing a check to see that the couch wasn’t watched and kicked. The ball flew straight towards Lucy and she dived but she wasn’t quick enough and the ball hit her in the cheek, hard. She saw Isabella smirk and turn away, exchanging high-fives and laughter. Mercifully, the coach called the end of practice. Lucy saw Isabella by the fence and marched straight towards her and her friends. Lucy’s glare was met with a mischievous smile. Jane watched, concerned, from his spot in the bleachers.

“What was that all about? You and your stupid friend hit me!” Lucy accused angrily.

“Who, us? The coach didn’t see anything and I’d like to see you try. Maybe if you call your mommy, you can cry and tell her what a mean person I am. She’s the only one that’ll believe you. Oh wait; I forgot who could love someone as ugly as you? Oh, right. No one.” Isabella said viciously.

That was the last straw. Before Lucy knew what she had done, her fist connected with Isabella’s nose and there was a sickening crack.

Isabella’s eyes watered with tears and blood streamed out of her nose.

“Don’t. You. Ever. Talk. About. My. Mom. Again.” Lucy said, raising her fist for another punch but she felt strong arms pull her away from Isabella.

“That’s enough, Lucy Nicole Jane, far more than enough.” her father whispered in her ear sternly. Lucy saw Karina giving her a sad but understanding look as one of the girls ran to tell the coach what had transpired.

Lucy went up to collect her things from the bleachers and as she walked down, she saw her coach and father at the bottom, both wearing expressions of equal disappointment.

“Lucy,” the coach began solemnly, meeting Lucy’s eyes, “you’re one of my best players. Honestly, I expected better. Isabella is your teammate, why would you hit her?”

“She was talking about my mom, they all were. They called me orphan and hit me with balls on purpose. I…I got mad.” Lucy admitted.

“Why would they be talking about your mom? Isn’t she on a business trip? Liliana said you were mean to Isabella and then you hit her. Is that true?” the coach asked.

“No,” Lucy cried out, “she’s lying! They found out my mom left me when I was a baby and that that’s the reason why my Dad takes me to practice and they started whispering at me and laughing at me! I don’t even wanna come here anymore! No one likes me except Karina.”

The coach looked at her. “Well, if she’s been bullying you, why didn’t you come to me or your dad?”

“Because I didn’t want her to win! If I went to you or my dad, it would’ve looked like I’m weak!” Lucy shot back.

“But Lucy, violence is never the answer and I know you have a lot going on right now but I think it’s time we suspend you from the team…at least for a little while, just until you calm down. Teamwork is essential to soccer, remember that.” the coach told her regretfully.

“Thank you, coach. I’ll make sure that Lucy understands the consequences of such an act before we resume soccer practice.” Jane replied, shaking the coach’s hand.

“Thank you, Mr. Jane. Hopefully, she’ll be back on the team in four weeks. I think that’s a long enough time to figure things out.” the coach said.

Lucy didn’t fight or yell, she didn’t plead with the coach to let her stay. Rather, she took her punishment with dignity, like she knew her mother would’ve wanted her to. According to her father, her mother didn’t like breaking the rules but where catching criminals was concerned, she’d always make a few leniencies for his plans, given that they nearly always worked. He also mentioned that sometimes, she’d lose her temper with him, oftentimes earning him a swift punch in the nose.

Lucy realized then that there was more of her mother in her than her father. Sure, she had his captivating smile and his resourceful and sneaky ways but she had her mother’s green eyes, dark brown hair, investigative nature, and, of course, her fiery temper. There was no mistaking that she was indeed Teresa Lisbon’s daughter. There was no way her mother could avoid the fact that her blood ran in Lucy’s veins, though for a while, she’d earnestly tried.

When Jane got to the car Lucy was already standing against it, wearing a sour expression.

Jane unlocked it and Lucy got in without a word, taking her duffel bag off. The drive home was silent and Lucy privately wondered why he didn’t start in on her now. Was it because he was giving her time to think about what she’d done or did her actions at the soccer field remind him too much of her mother and her continued absence in their lives?

~*~

Lucy and Jane entered the house and Lucy headed swiftly up to her room without a word. A moment later, he heard a door slam. He sighed, thinking of Teresa and her temper. Lucy was so much more like her than he’d realized and he sensed that the resemblance in looks and personality would only grow with time, especially as she entered her teen years. He dreaded her thirteenth birthday more than anything because it would bring new questions, questions only her mother could answer.

They would be everything from clothing and shoes to make-up and boys. He didn’t know if he could handle that alone. Luckily, Grace could help ease some of the burden. He was again reminded that things like this were normally Lisbon’s job.

But, he thought, it’s Lisbon’s fault Lucy is being bullied. They’re teasing her about her mother’s absence. She should be here, not turning our daughter into a target because of her own selfish reasons.

When Jane finally got the courage to go upstairs to Lucy’s room, he stopped at the door, hearing Taylor Swift’s hit, “Mean” through the door, and his daughter’s voice singing the words through tears. He raised his hand and knocked. A moment later, Lucy opened her door, her face red and streaked with tears.

“What do you want? Are you gonna ground me cuz I don’t care.” she said firmly.

“First, I want to talk. Can I come in?” he asked.

“Fine.” Lucy replied, moving aside to let him in.

Her room had been redecorated a few months before by Rigsby and Cho as a tenth birthday gift. Instead of pink castles and ponies, it now had a tropical theme because Lucy loved the beach. The walls were painted an aqua color and had multicolored island flowers on them. The bed was pushed against a windowless wall and the bedspread was also aqua with pink, green, blue, and yellow flowers on it. Her while lamp was on a white nightstand by her bed. It had flowers on it and a faux flower lei was draped over it.

A dresser placed against the window held Lucy’s clothes and soccer trophies sat on top of it. Pictures of different California beaches hung on the blank spaces of the wall as well as pictures of her family and friends. There was also a desk opposite her bed with a computer and a lamp.

Lucy sat criss-cross on her bed and her father sat next to her, crossing his legs.

“I’m not sorry.” Lucy said softly, looking down at her legs.

“I know you’re not but that doesn’t excuse what you did. It was wrong, Lucy.”

Lucy raised her head. “She was talking about mom, Dad! My entire team calls me orphan and ugly and I was sick of it! What would you do?!”

“I know I’m not the best person to offer this advice as I’ve done my fair share of wrong things, and your mother can attest to that fact, but violence is not the answer. You and your mother both have extremely short tempers and you both let your heart decide what the best course of action is. But sometimes, you react too quickly before considering all your options. You could’ve come to me or your coach, you know. How long has this feud with her been going on?”

“A few months…she turned the whole team against me. I didn’t tell you or the coach because I didn’t want her to think I was weak.” she replied.

Jane sighed. “That’s another thing you and mother have in common. You like to try and hold things down and be strong. You never let people help you because you think it’s a sign of weakness but if you don’t learn to accept help, your feelings will bottle up inside you until they pour out for everyone to see. Then you let your heart take over and make rash decisions.”

“Like I said, you can ground me if you want but I’m not gonna apologize for defending myself and my mom.” Lucy informed him.

“Well, I wouldn’t be the best parent if I didn’t so…a week. No TV or computer and no whatever else it is that you do. Are we clear?” Jane asked, and Lucy nodded. Privately, Jane was proud of his daughter for her willingness to assert herself but as a parent, he knew it wasn’t acceptable for her to release her anger that way, even though Lisbon had expressed her anger at him the same way a long time ago.

~*~

Lucy waited until her Dad was asleep to sit up and grab her mother’s phone number out of the bottom of her nightstand drawer. She had to tell her what happened with Isabella. She had to use her last chance to get her mom back…once and for all. A part of Lucy hated breaking her father’s trust but there was no other way. She clutched the sticky note in her sweaty palm and crept into the kitchen. She grabbed the phone with shaking hands and dialed her mother’s number for the second time, holding her breath as it rang.

“Hello?” the familiar sleepy voice answered.

“Mom.” Lucy breathed.

“Lucy, it’s late. What do you need?” Lisbon asked gently.

“I need you. The girls on my soccer team are terrible to me. They found out you left and now they call me orphan. Two girls even kicked soccer balls at me. A girl named Isabella really hates me and she started making fun of me and I…might’ve punched her in the face…and maybe broke her nose. I’m sorry, mom. She was talking about you and I…”

“You broke her nose?” Lisbon asked incredulously.

“Yeah, but don’t worry, Dad grounded me.” Lucy explained.

That made Lisbon even more surprised. Jane could never follow rules as long as she’d known him, now he was enforcing them? In a way, she was proud of him. He was a better parent than she would ever be, she knew that much.

“He did?” she replied.

“Yeah, for a week. I’m not even supposed to be talking to you but I needed to tell you.”

“Lucy, I appreciate the fact that you stood up for yourself but there are better ways to solve problems, ones that don’t involve breaking people’s noses.”

“Dad said you punched him once.”

“That was…different.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Lisbon knew they were a lie. It wasn’t any different, he’d pissed her off and she’d punched him.

“Can you just please come home so the girls’ll stop bullying me? I’ve been suspended from the team but when I go back…”

Lisbon bit her lip. “You know I want to but I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. I’m tired of hearing you can’t. You’re my mom, you have to protect me.”

“I…I can’t protect you, Luc, if I come home, you’ll just be in more danger.”

“I don’t even know what that means, mom. You know what? Don’t come home, it’s fine. I’ll just let my entire team make fun of me again cuz you don’t care. Whatever. Night.” Lucy replied angrily.

“Lucy, I…” Lisbon started, but all she heard was a click and a dial tone.

Lisbon got up out of her bed and padded into her bathroom, turning on the light. She stared at herself in the mirror, seeing tired eyes and black circles under them. She hadn’t been sleeping well, as she frequently worried about Jane and Lucy. She thought about how much she had put them through, and how much they still loved her in spite of it.

What kind of monster did I become, she thought bitterly, where I can’t even help my daughter when she’s being bullied? What has this secret done to me? Why is it so hard for me to let them help me work though this?

Lisbon stared at herself a moment longer, hating what she saw. She wanted to protect Lucy from the bully but she knew coming home when she didn’t have control would put Lucy in far more danger than any bully.

~*~

The next morning, the phone rang at Jane’s house and he answered it as Lucy came down the stairs.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Teresa, what do you want?” he asked, rather harshly.

“I wanted to talk to Lucy.” Lisbon said softly.

“If that’s mom, I don’t wanna talk to her.” Lucy informed him, climbing up onto a chair by the counter.

“What did you do to her?” Jane demanded fiercely.

“I didn’t do anything! What do you mean? We just talked.” Lisbon shot back.

“Then why won’t she talk to you? Did you call her? I told you not to talk to her again.” Jane said icily.

“No…she called me. She told me about Isabella and being grounded. She asked me to come home.” Lisbon admitted.

“And are you going to or are you still the cold-hearted bitch that secret has forced you to become? I can’t think of anything more important than protecting your own daughter.”

Lisbon’s anger bubbled to the surface. “I’m trying to protect her! If you knew my secret, you’d understand why I can’t come home! And I don’t think you have the right to act like you’re holier than thou when you’ve disappeared for months on end with not one word of contact!”

“But I’ve always come back, Teresa.” Jane said in a dangerously low voice.

“Yeah, well there were times when I doubted that. Hell, sometimes you were so wrapped up in all that Red John bullshit I didn’t even know if you were alive!”

“Well, things are different now, you have a daughter now and she needs you. The girls on her team make fun of you because of your absence. She got kicked off of her soccer team for defending you. Don’t you find it extremely ironic that this time I’m the one staying and you’re the one running? At least I care about Lucy…you so obviously don’t if you’re willing to let her get continuously bullied for your own selfish reasons.”

“I do care about Lucy! Now you’re going to tell me about being selfish?” Lisbon scoffs. “Why don’t you look in the mirror? You’re the most arrogant, self centered bastard I’ve ever met. What’s ironic is that the man who has no real love for anyone is telling me I don’t love my daughter.”

That remark took Jane by surprise, but he didn’t show how badly she’d hurt him. “I have more love for Lucy than you’ll ever know…and I used to have love for you.”

As Jane hung up, he realized that what he’d told Lisbon was a lie. As many times as she’d stuck a knife in him, as many times as she’d twisted it until he bled, he knew he’d always be in love with her and he knew deep down, she didn’t mean it, because she was still in love with him too.

~*~

Lisbon wanted to kick herself, partly for letting the secret take over her life and partly for insulting Jane. She couldn’t help wondering if he really meant what he said or if it was just a lie used to hurt her. If it was a true insult, what reason did she have for coming home? What reason did she have to continue loving him? Jane and Lucy had made it clear they didn’t want her around. Could she even manage to repair the years of damage she’d managed to create? Most of all, could she ever earn back their trust? Fighting with Jane always put Lisbon’s nerves on edge so when she got home from work that night, she poured a glass of red wine and sat on her couch, trying to push all her Jane-related thoughts away by absorbing herself in the plot of a good book. But like Jane always did, he found his way back into her mind. She tried not to think about the last time he’d kissed her or his smooth voice in her ear, promising her forever. But he hadn’t been the one to break that promise, she had, and she’d regretted it every day. Life without Jane was more difficult than she’d ever imagined and so was life without her daughter. She’d missed the best parts of Lucy’s life and she was extremely aware that Lucy’s teenage years were fast approaching, and she wouldn’t be there for any of it. After she took another sip of wine, Lisbon sighed, wishing she could go back home.

~*~

Lucy’s eleventh birthday soon arrived, but this time, none of her soccer friends attended, with the exception of Karina. Again, her uncles, aunts and cousins arrived, including Annie. Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt were also in attendance. Lucy wasn’t in the best mood due to the way things went with her mother and the soccer team but she still greeted and thanked her guests politely, just like her father had taught her. Once the cake was eaten, wishes were made, and presents were opened, Jane cleaned up and took Lucy up to her room to read the letter. He gave to her and she read it in silence while he read over her shoulder. It read:

_Dear Lucy,_

_For this letter, I wanted to give you some advice. In a few years, you’ll be thirteen and I know you’ll have a lot of questions. I’m sorry I’m not there to answer them. I can’t help thinking that my journey through my teenage years would’ve been a little easier if I’d had someone to give me the advice I’m about to give you. The reason I didn’t wait until you were thirteen to say this is because that letter holds some important things you need to know. Anyway, when I was a kid, I had to grow up fast. You have more freedom to enjoy your childhood. Make friends but choose them wisely, make smart decisions and don’t be afraid to cry or ask for help if you need it. It’s ok to not be strong sometimes and it’s ok to need help. Those are concepts I’m still working on. If you happen to fall in love with a boy later on and he breaks your heart, don’t cry. No boy is worth your tears, Lucy. You’re beautiful and there’s someone out there for you. Always know that you deserve the best life has to offer, enjoy every moment of it. Make sure you make memories to last a lifetime and know that I’m thinking about you, even though I’m not there. Tell your Dad I miss him too and I pray that you’re both doing well. I love you._

_Love, Mommy_

After Lucy was finished reading, Jane kissed her goodnight and tucked her in as they both exchanged “I love yous.” Jane took the letter and Lucy cuddled under the covers, making a silent promise to herself to try and follow her mother’s advice, even though she wasn’t too happy with her. But Lucy soon felt her anger fading as she closed her eyes because, like her father, no matter what her mother said or did, she would always love her.

 


	12. The Twelfth Letter

Chapter 12: The Twelfth Letter

Lucy couldn’t say she was happy about being let out of her suspension from soccer. Going back would just give Isabella and the team more time to make fun of her. One of the only reasons she’d even considered going back was because of Karina, the other was because she loved playing soccer. It freed her mind from worry and made her focus on the game instead of her numerous personal problems, the biggest of those problems being her mother’s inability to come home. Lucy and her dad arrived at the practice field. Lucy avoided her teammates’ glares as she took her uniform into the restroom to change. Jane took her duffle bag up to the bleachers and sat down. Lucy came out of the restroom and made her way onto the field, taking the covers off of her cleats and taking her place beside Karina to stretch.

“Aww, how cute,” Isabella sneered, “the orphan still thinks she can play with us. I would’ve thought she’d stay home and cry to mommy.”

The team, with the exception of Karina, erupted in laughter.

“Shut up, Isabella.” Karina growled, stretching her hamstring.

Soon, the coach blew the whistle to start the practice game. Since Lucy needed to work on her blocks, she was placed on goalie again. The ball passed from girl to girl and soon it was flying towards her. She dived and blocked the ball with her body. Once the ball got back to the team, a series of passes and interceptions took place. Before long, the ball shot towards her again. She jumped for it, missing and landing hard on her left arm and then she heard a sickening crack. She rolled onto her back, wincing in pain, panting and willing herself not to cry. She tried to move her arm and a sharp pain shot through it. Lucy moaned, realizing it was most definitely broken because her bone was sticking out slightly. She saw her father, coach, and Karina running towards her. She felt lightheaded from the pain but did not pass out. Jane kneeled down next to her, brushing a hair out of her face.

“You’re ok, Lucy,” he whispered, “you’re ok.”

“I’ll call an ambulance, her arm looks broken.” the coach said, hurrying away and dialing.

“Stay with me, please, Daddy.” Lucy said softly. Jane knew she only called him daddy when she was sick or upset. He stroked her hair and Karina came over, looking at her worriedly.

“I’m right here, love, I’m not leaving, I promise.” he told her.

Once the ambulance pulled up, the coach explained Lucy’s problem to the paramedics and they retrieved a stretcher and put her gently onto it.

“It’s ok, sweetie, we have you. You’re ok.” one of them, a woman, assured her. They loaded her in the back of the truck and Jane climbed in.

“I’m her father.” he said quickly, and they nodded. The woman sat in the back as well to keep an eye on her.

“Daddy?” Lucy said weakly, turning her head.

He slipped his hand into her right one and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m here, Lucy, don’t move.”

“Ok, Daddy. I won’t.”

Soon after, she fell asleep, with Jane holding her hand the whole way.

~*~

Once they arrived at the hospital, the paramedics got her out on the stretcher quickly and efficiently. They went inside and Jane explained the situation to the nurses, who hurried her away into surgery. Jane, unable to relax, paced in the waiting room and called Grace, Rigsby, and Cho to tell them what had transpired.

~*~

At the CBI, Grace’s cell phone rang.

“Hey, Jane.” Grace greeted him.

“Hello, Grace. I called to tell you that Lucy is in surgery. She broke her arm at soccer practice.”

“Oh my God, is she ok?” Grace asked, concern filling her voice.

“She will be.” Jane assured her.

Rigsby looked at Grace with concern and mouthed, “What happened?”

Grace held up a finger. “What hospital?” she asked Jane.

“St. Mary’s.” he responded.

“Ok, we’ll be right there.” she promised.

“Alright.” Jane said, hanging up.

As soon as Grace hung up with Jane, she dialed Lisbon’s number.

“Grace, what’s going on?” Lisbon asked when she answered.

Grace sighed, searching for the best way to tell her. “Lucy’s in the hospital, I think you should come down.”

Lisbon’s stomach clenched with fear and her heart began to beat faster. “Is she ok?”

“Yeah, she broke her arm at soccer practice, she’s in surgery now.”

Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief, thankful it wasn’t something more serious. “I’ll be there as soon as I get a flight.” she promised.

“Ok.” the young agent agreed.

“Oh, and Van Pelt, whatever you do, don’t tell Jane I’m coming. After he found out about my disastrous phone call with Lucy, things haven’t gone well with us. In fact, I don’t think either of them will want me there.”

“It’ll mean a lot to them that you came.” Grace assured her.

“I hope so.” Lisbon said, sighing.

“I’ll see you soon, Lisbon.” Grace said, hanging up.

~*~

Soon, Grace, Rigsby, and Cho arrived at the hospital. Grace spotted Jane and went up to him, enveloping him in a hug.

“She’ll be fine.” Grace said comfortingly.

“I know.” Jane said quietly.

Rigsby patted him on the back and they all sat down to await news on Lucy’s condition. Grace slipped her hand in Rigsby’s and smiled softly at him. Soon, a nurse came out.

“Are you all the family of,” she consulted the clipboard she had in her hand, “Lucy Nicole Jane?”

Jane stood. “I’m her father.”

The nurse took Jane to a corner of the lobby. “She’s doing well and now she’s in recovery. If you’d like to go and see her, you can do so. She’s currently in room 202. It’s up one floor and down the first hallway on the right. Oh, and only two visitors are allowed at a time, please, she’s resting.”

Jane went to the team after the nurse left and relayed what the nurse had just told him. Grace wanted to go up with Jane first. Before going up, Jane whispered something to the receptionist that gave them their visitor passes. Grace and Jane then headed into the elevator and hurried to find Lucy’s room. Upon entering, they saw that the nurse was right; Lucy was laying in a hospital bed with a sheet and a pale blue blanket over her. Her left arm was encased in a purple cast and her right arm had an IV attached to it. She was also hooked up to several machines to monitor her heart and breathing rates. Jane entered quietly and took a seat beside her bed, being careful not to wake her. Before long, Grace decided that she was hungry.

“Do you want anything?” she asked him.

“A cup of tea would be nice, thank you.” he responded.

“Ok, I’ll send Rigsby up with it.” she promised, heading out of the room and to the elevator.

A few moments later, Rigsby came up carrying a to-go cup of coffee for himself and a to-go cup of tea for Jane. He came in quietly and handed it to him.

“How is she?” he whispered, as Jane sipped it.

“She’s just been resting but she seems fine. The nurse said her surgery went well.” Jane replied, setting his cup on the nightstand.

“Well, I’ll check on her when she wakes up. She needs to sleep.” Rigsby said, turning towards the door.

“Yes, she does.” Jane responded.

Rigsby paused at the door. “Is Lisbon…?”

“No,” Jane said quickly, “I doubt she will.”

With that, Rigsby left and headed towards the elevators, seeing Cho come out of one.

“What’s going on?” Rigsby asked, perplexed.

“I need to talk to Jane, there’s something he needs to know.” Cho said, as an explanation.

Rigsby eyed him strangely. “Ok…?”

Cho sipped his coffee and headed towards Lucy’s room as Rigsby got into the elevator.

Cho got to the door and motioned for Jane to come outside, which he did.

“What is it, Cho?” Jane asked.

“Lisbon’s here, she’s in the lobby,” Cho informed him seriously, “and she’s angry.”

Jane did not look surprised. He asked Cho to look after Lucy while he went downstairs to see Lisbon. Cho agreed, and Jane headed down in the elevator, preparing for the onslaught that inevitably waited for him.

~*~

Once Jane arrived downstairs, he saw Lisbon arguing with the desk receptionist.

“But that’s not possible, I have to be on the list, I’m her mother.” Lisbon told her.

“I’m sorry, ma’am but the law says that if you’re not on the list, you can’t see the patient.”

“Did Patrick Jane tell you to do this? Where is he? I’m gonna—.” Lisbon started.

“Teresa.” Jane said evenly, and she turned to face him, crossing her arms across her chest, frowning.

“You despicable son-of-a-bitch. This is a new low, even for you! You can’t keep me from seeing my own daughter!” she told him heatedly.

“You had that right and you abused it, multiple times. Now I can and will take it away from you. I’m not letting you hurt her again.”

“Goddammit, Jane! Let me see my daughter! I gave birth to her!” Lisbon yelled, not caring who heard. She would not stand to let him take away the only thing she’d done right in her life.

“But you are, in no way, shape or form, able to be a mother. That secret is eating you, changing you. You don’t deserve to see her, you lost that right eleven years ago and you haven’t earned it back…at this rate, you may never.” Jane told her sharply, she could see that his blue-green eyes were cold and unfriendly.

“Jane! I swear to God, let me see her, you have no right to keep her from me, you miserable lying bastard! I should’ve known that sleeping with you was a mistake! I don’t regret Lucy, I regret you and every moment I wasted with you!” Lisbon shot back, but as soon as she said it, she wondered if he could tell it was a lie.

People in the hospital were starting to stare now, but she didn’t give a damn. _Let them stare,_ she thought bitterly _, let them see what happens to couples who don’t get a fairytale ending._

“Enough, Teresa!” Jane roared, causing her to be momentarily shocked. He’d never, ever raised his voice at her, even when he was furious with her.

“I’m sick of all your crap, Jane! You act like you’ve never made any goddamn mistakes, like your some sort of god who’s better than me. I’m tired of it and you can go to hell! After all…you belong there.” Lisbon retorted, slapping him extremely hard across the face.

A nurse came up to them and said in a serious voice, “If you both can’t be civil, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Jane and Lisbon nodded their understanding and she left. They stared at each other in shock for a long moment. Was this what their relationship had become? Was any of the love still there?

Soon, Jane rubbed his jaw and closed the distance between him and Lisbon, looking into her beautiful green eyes. He pushed a dark hair out of her face and without a second’s hesitation, leaned down and kissed her. A moan escaped her lips and she resisted only a moment before kissing back. Before her brain clouded and her judgment got fuzzy, she pulled back.

“Jane…I can’t stay.” she said softly.

Sadness found its way into his eyes and he cupped her cheek, not wanting to discuss that. “Let’s go and see Lucy, she’s asleep.”

Lisbon nodded, still in shock from what had just transpired between them.

He took her up to Lucy’s room and Cho got up from his chair.

“She’s still asleep.” Cho informed them gruffly, going past Lisbon.

“Hey, Cho.” Lisbon said softly and he nodded a hello before he left.

Lisbon entered the room and Jane followed.

“She’s beautiful.” Lisbon commented quietly, looking at her daughter.

“Like you.” Jane muttered and Lisbon shook her head, positive she’d misheard him.

After Lisbon spent some time in Lucy’s room, she and Jane shut the door and went outside to talk.

“What happened back there…with the, um…?” Lisbon asked awkwardly, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

Jane swallowed, unsure how to explain. “I…well; I may still have feelings for you…strong feelings. Things haven’t been the same since you left, Teresa, I tried to move on, I tried to love Katherine but…every time we tried to be intimate, I’d imagine I was kissing you.”

“When I was with Connelly, it never felt like it did with you…” Lisbon admitted.

Jane looked down at her, cupping her cheek. “I need you to stay, Teresa, please.”

Lisbon looked uncomfortable. “I…I can’t. I’m not ready.”

Jane’s voice was husky in her ear when he whispered, “Then let me have a night with you…I just need one night to be with you and not think of anything else.”

Lisbon contemplated it, trying not to melt from his voice in her ear. “Ok, one night…but what about Lucy?”

“I can ask Grace to stay with her tonight and I’ll pick her up in the morning.” Jane said, kissing her. As they went downstairs, Jane found himself hoping this night would be the one thing to make her stay.

~*~

Grace agreed to watch Lucy for the night. Jane and Lisbon were careful not to leave together in case the team got suspicious. Jane drove his house and waited there for Lisbon. Soon, she knocked on his door and he got up and opened it, grabbing her waist and pulling her in for a deep and heated kiss. She barely remembered the last time he kissed her but it was nothing like this. She pulled him closer to her and he deepened it, feeling how much she wanted him. She shrugged her blazer off and pulled her tank top up and off. He placed open mouthed kisses on her neck and she groaned. One of the things he’d missed most about Lisbon being there was driving her crazy when they made love. Tonight, he wanted her to lose control. He wanted to be the one in control. This was the one chance he had to make her stay. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist and he traced her bra with his tongue, feeling her tremble slightly.

“I take it you missed this, too?” he asked her quietly, chuckling.

She smirked. “Stop looking so smug, you forget I can drive you just as crazy, Patrick Jane.”

He bit her neck, smiling, “Oh, I haven’t forgotten, love. Remember the night we made Lucy?”

“I can promise you, this night is going to be even more amazing.” she assured him and he carried her up to his bedroom. He laid her on the bed and she reached up and undid the buttons on his vest and then his shirt. She brought her mouth up to his chest and kissed down it. She smirked when he moaned and pulled it off. Then he looked down and paid attention to her, kissing down her stomach. Her stomach muscles tightened and she gasped in surprise when his tongue dipped into the groove of her navel. He traced around it slowly and torturously, feeling her nails dig into his biceps. But he ignored the pain; Lisbon was almost right where he wanted her to be. He took off her pants and then his own, so they were both in nothing but underwear now. He ran his tongue down her bare side and felt her stiffen again and he heard her moan again, gripping the sheets, hard. He almost couldn’t hold back anymore, but he wanted her to be on the edge. He loved having her in his bed again and more than that, he loved to see her losing control. He ran his finger down her arm slowly.

She groaned. “Dammit, Jane, stop teasing or I’m gonna shoot you.”

He put on an adorable smirk. “Ask me nicely.”

She glared at him, half-serious and half-playfully. “Screw you.”

“Close enough, my angry little princess.” he teased. A moment later, he entered her and she almost screamed but he quickly muffled it with a kiss.

When they finished, he laid next to her, looking in her eyes.

“You know, now that we’ve had a night like that, I’m never going to let you go again.” he told her, kissing her shoulder.

Lisbon sighed. “I bet.” she replied, wishing they didn’t ever have to leave this bed. She wished it was a normal night, her and Jane like this, Lucy sleeping in her own bed, and most of all, no secret to keep them apart.

~*~

It was dark outside when Lisbon opened her eyes. She was wearing his button-up shirt because earlier she’d gotten cold. His arms were still wrapped around her waist when she blearily checked the clock. Three AM. She moaned softly, hating that she had to leave the bed…and him. She slipped out of bed, careful not to wake him up. She froze when he stirred but he did not wake. She pulled on her underwear, pants, and then her tank top over her bra. She put on her boots and found her blazer on the floor. She looked at him sleeping one last time and headed quietly downstairs into the kitchen. She carefully got out a pan and some eggs and cracked them as quietly as she could into the pan after turning on the stove. She found a spatula and moved the eggs as they cooked. When they were done, she put them in a container in the fridge and cleaned up after herself. She washed her hands, knowing Jane was a heavy sleeper. She scribbled a quick note and left it on the counter, heading out of the house. She got in her car and drove to the airport, already having booked her flight home for later that day. It pained her having to leave him but she couldn’t enjoy being with her family until the secret was gone.

~*~

Later that morning, Jane rolled over and groaned, not feeling Lisbon beside him. When he realized she was gone, his eyes opened wide and he hurried out of bed, pulling on a t-shirt.

“Teresa?” he called, looking in the bathroom. Suddenly, he realized her clothes were gone and he rushed downstairs…but she wasn’t there. He saw the note on the counter and picked it up, reading it quietly to himself:

“Dear Jane,

I missed that more than you could ever imagine. I love you so much but I’m not ready to stay. I promise you one day I’ll come home and be with you and Lucy forever. I’m sorry it had to be like this. I’ll always be your angry little princess.

P.S. I made you some eggs and I put them in the fridge. They’re made just the way you like them. I miss you.

-Teresa”

Jane put the note down sadly and got the eggs out of the fridge. He put them on a plate and heated them in the microwave. He grabbed a fork, eating them and savoring the taste. She was right; they were exactly how he liked them. When he finished, he went upstairs and dressed in his three piece suit. He came downstairs and tucked her note in his vest pocket, vowing to keep it with him until she returned. He could still feel her soft skin under his fingers and her urgent, heated kisses on his lips. He sighed heavily and grabbed his keys, going out of the house.

~*~

He arrived at the hospital and his phone beeped with a text from VanPelt: _She’s awake and asking for you._

Jane opened his phone and texted back: _I’m here and I’m coming._

He flipped his phone shut and headed up to her room.

Lucy smiled when he entered. “Hey, Dad.”

Jane smiled. “Hello, love, how are you feeling?”

Lucy sighed. “Better, I’m ready to go home.”

“Alright, just wait until the doctor comes to do your final check.” Jane told her.

“She slept pretty good.” VanPelt commented, yawning.

“That’s good.” Jane agreed.

A few moments later, a man Jane assumed was the doctor came in, holding a clipboard with Lucy’s chart on it.

“How are you feeling today, Lucy?” he asked.

“My arm feels better.” Lucy replied.

“That’s good, since your surgery and recovery went well, you can go home today.” the doctor informed her.

“Thanks.” Lucy said, as the nurses came in and unhooked her from the machines.

“Feel better, kiddo.” Grace said as the doctor left.

Soon, Jane and Lucy signed out and went home.

~*~

Lucy’s twelfth birthday arrived, her arm still in its cast. The usual guests attended but this time it was Jane that was not himself. He and Lucy politely thanked her guests after everything was done and they retired to her room to read the letter. Jane came back with it and sat on her bed.

“Dad, are you ok? You’ve been acting weird all day.” Lucy questioned.

“I’m fine, Lucy. It’s just that quite a few things have happened in the last few months.”

“Oh, ok.” Lucy said, not pressing the matter.

With that, Lucy opened the letter and read it while Jane read over her shoulder:

_Dear Lucy,_

_In this letter, I wanted to prepare you for what’s coming. In about four years, you’ll open your last letter on your sixteenth birthday. It holds a secret inside, a big secret, the one that’s keeping me from you and Dad. It might shock you at first, and you might hate me or not want me around because of it, but whatever happens, wherever we are, I will always love you. Maybe, if you and Dad can somehow find a way to look past it, we can be a family again, like we’ve always wanted._

_Love,_

_Mom_

“Can I open the last letter now, Dad? I’m tired of this secret!” Lucy said, giving the letter to her Dad, who took it.

“I think it’s best that we do it the way she wanted it. There’s most likely a reason why she wanted you to be older. Now, I think you should get some rest.” Jane told her, and she climbed in under the covers.

As Jane shut out the light, he found himself wondering about their night. If something like that wasn’t strong enough to pull her home, was there anything that would?

 

 


	13. The Thirteenth Letter

Chapter 13: The Thirteenth Letter

The moment Jane had feared since Lisbon left all those years ago was finally upon him: Lucy’s thirteenth birthday. She was finally a teenager, no longer that little girl he’d raised alone since her birth. Now, he was in uncharted waters, faced with the inevitable trials and tribulations of raising a teenage girl. He knew there would be new questions, ones concerning make-up, parties, and advice about boys. Since his last relationship had ended on a sour note, he knew neither he nor her mother would technically be qualified to offer any sort of advice concerning that. Still, he had a feeling Lisbon would do a better job of answering Lucy’s inevitable questions than he would, simply because she was a woman and she could relate to Lucy’s problems. That afternoon, Jane watched at the bathroom door as his teenage daughter curled the bottom of her long, beautiful brown locks with her curling iron, just like her Aunt Grace had taught her. He tried not to think that the more she grew, the more she would pull away. He was already noticing they weren’t as close as they used to be, nor did she entrust him with all her secrets as she once had.

Lucy spotted her father in the mirror and turned to him, smiling. “Does my hair look ok, Dad?”

Jane smiled. “You look beautiful, love.”

She blushed, embarrassed. “Thanks.”

Jane held her gaze for a moment until she looked down at her pink bathrobe, remembering she hadn’t chosen a dress.

“Oh crap! I need to pick a dress and they’ll be here in a half-hour!” she exclaimed, rushing past him and into her room. He heard the swishing of clothes as she tore through her closet. After a minute of swishing, she pulled out a gorgeous dark blue dress and held it against herself, deciding.

“That one’s gorgeous.” Jane volunteered.

“No, it’s not good enough, especially not if he’s gonna be here.” she muttered, mostly to herself.

That revelation stopped Jane in his tracks. It all makes sense. The strange behavior, the concern over her appearance, the reluctance to share her feelings…it’s because of a boy, he thought.

Lucy threw the discarded dress onto her bed just as the doorbell rang. “Dad, can you get that? I’m a little bit busy.”

Jane cleared his throat. “Sure, of course.”

Lucy shut the door to her room as her father went downstairs. He opened the door to see Karina, Lucy’s best friend, standing there in a short one-shoulder white party dress. He still wasn’t used to the way Lucy and her friends dressed, even though he was quite aware she wasn’t a little girl anymore.

“Hey, Mr. Jane, is Lucy here?” Karina asked politely.

“Yes, she’s up in her room, she can’t seem to decide on a dress.” he explained.

“Ok, don’t worry, I’ll help her! Thanks, Mr. Jane!” Karina said, hurrying up the stairs and knocking on Lucy’s door. Jane watched as Lucy hugs her friend tight and pulls her into the room, shutting the door.

Thirty minutes later, when the living room was buzzing with the idle chatter of Lucy’s guests, Lucy’s bedroom door opened. Everyone at the party hushed and looked toward the staircase. Jane smiled proudly at her. Karina had put Lucy’s hair into an updo with a few loose curls hanging down. Lucy was wearing a strapless light blue party dress and light blue heels. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Jane enveloped her in a hug and before long, he let her go to mingle with her guests. Jane noticed he was a little uncomfortable with the glances some of the boys were giving her so he made sure to keep an eye on them.

“Did you see Connor’s face?” he heard Karina whisper to Lucy as they passed him.

“Yeah, I don’t know if I should talk to him though.” Lucy replied nervously.

He followed his daughter’s nervous glance to a young blonde boy surrounded by a few other boys Lucy’s age.

“You should! You look so pretty, he’ll be begging to talk to you!” Karina urged her.

“Are you sure? I mean, why would he wanna talk to me? I haven’t even said two words to him. You were the one who had to invite him here for me.” Lucy reminded her.

Jane wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about Lucy’s possible romance with Connor. It could only end up going one of two ways: either Lucy would experience her first whirlwind of teenage romance or…he’d break her fragile heart in two. Jane couldn’t let him break her heart, he had to protect her.

“Of course I’m sure, Luc. Have I ever lied to you? C’mon, I’ll introduce you.” Karina assured her, and Jane nonchalantly struck up a conversation with Rigsby next to them so he could listen and avoid suspicion.

“Ok.” Lucy agreed, and Karina took her up to Connor.

“Connor Maxwell, let me introduce you to my best friend and the birthday girl, Lucy Jane.” Karina said happily.

Lucy blushed slightly and held out a hand, which Connor shook. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Connor grinned at her. “It’s even nicer to meet you. When Karina invited me for you, I had no idea you’d be this beautiful.”

Karina smiled. “I think I’m gonna go…get a drink.” With that, Karina slipped her arm out of Lucy’s and headed toward the punch table.

Jane excused himself from his conversation with Rigsby and found Grace holding two cups of punch, presumably for herself and Rigsby.

“Hey, Jane, what’s up?” she asked him cheerfully.

He put his mouth near her ear and muttered, “I need you to do a background check on Connor Maxwell.”

Grace looked at him. “Is that the blonde kid Lucy’s flirting with?”

“Yes, it is.” Jane replied.

Grace chuckled. “Are you serious? He’s a thirteen year old kid. It’s not like he’s a murderer.”

Jane gave her a pointed look. “Grace…”

“You’re serious,” she sighs, “ok; I’ll see what I can do.”

Reluctantly, Grace texted headquarters and requested a background check on the boy. A few minutes later, her cell phone pinged.

“What does it say?” Jane asked, peering over her shoulder.

Looking at the screen, Grace replied, “Connor Jason Maxwell, age thirteen, lives in Sacramento and is an eighth grader at Whispering Pines Middle School. No priors but there is an outstanding warrant for a C in math, but that should be fixed soon.”

Jane gave her a displeased look. “Very funny.”

“Oh, and there’s also a BOLO out for his gym shorts. I don’t think he ever cleans his room.” she adds, smirking.

“Hilarious, Grace.” Jane responded dryly.

“I try. Besides, what’s the harm in letting her have a little crush?” she answered and headed off with her punch in Rigsby’s direction.

He had to admit Grace was right, Lucy was indeed growing up and there was no reason not to let her engage in a bit of harmless (closely watched) flirtation. But if only there was a way to ensure Lucy’s heart wouldn’t get broken. Suddenly, Jane spotted Lucy mingling with other guests and saw his opportunity to enact a plan he had concocted to help further Lucy’s flirtation.

He strode up to Connor who was chatting with a friend of his. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you mind if I speak to Connor alone a moment?”

“Whatever, dude.” the other boy said, heading off to chat with Karina.

Jane smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Connor; I’m Patrick Jane, Lucy’s father.”

“Oh, well, it’s nice to meet you, sir. You have a beautiful daughter.” Connor responded respectfully.

“She is, isn’t she? Would you like to see a little magic trick?” Jane asked.

“Uh, sure, I guess.” Conner replied awkwardly.

“Now, I want you to relax, Connor, empty your mind of everything and listen to the sound of my voice. Don’t focus on anything but my voice. You’re getting tired…very tired,” Jane withdrew a quarter from his vest pocket, “now, watch how the quarter appears…” Jane held the quarter up and then made it disappear, “and disappears.” Once Connor was the state Jane wanted, he smiled. “Now, when you wake up tomorrow, you will call Lucy and—.”

Lucy hurried up to him and hissed in his ear, “Dad, what are you doing?! Come talk to me…in private…now.”

“Wait, just one more--.” Jane told her, but she glared at him.

“Now.” she repeated harshly, grabbing his arm and dragging him to a corner.

“Lucy, I was only trying to help…” Jane began.

“Did you really think I’d want you to hypnotize my crush into liking me?! I was doing fine on my own! Why couldn’t you just let me have this one thing without ruining it? Just because you messed things up with mom doesn’t mean you get to mess up my life too!”

Jane frowned. “What happened with me and your mother was not my fault.”

“Whatever. Just tell everyone to go home. I’m not in a party mood.” Lucy said icily, starting towards the stairs but she bumped into a boy and he was frowning.

Lucy looked up and gasped. “Connor, I’m so sorry about my Dad. I never meant for him to--.”

“Was he really trying to hypnotize me? Did you tell him to do that?” Connor demanded.

“No, I…I don’t even know why…” Lucy stuttered.

“Let’s go, dude,” a boy said, “she and her Dad are freaks.”

“I’m sorry, Lucy.” Connor said softly, turning to leave.

“No, Connor, wait…I…” Lucy tried, but he had already left.

Jane sighed. “I’m sorry, love.”

Lucy spun around. “This is all your fault! I’ll be lucky if he even looks at me again! I hate you, Dad! I hate you!” She hurried up the stairs, retreating into her room and slamming the door. The guests all wore equal expressions of shock and disbelief.

“I’m sorry, Jane.” Grace and Rigsby said softly.

Jane looked at them sadly and cleared his throat to address Lucy’s guests. “Due to certain…er, events that have recently transpired, I regrettably inform you all that the party is over. Lucy and I thank you all very much for coming.”

As everyone filed out, Cho looked at Jane. “Wow, you have no idea how to handle a teenage girl, do you?”

Jane sighed. “I’ve been around plenty of teenage girls…I’ve just never had to parent one.”

Grace nodded understandingly. “I know it’s difficult, Jane. I used to drive my mom and dad crazy…you’ll get it.”

“Hey, maybe Lisbon could…” Rigsby started, but trailed off when Grace and Cho gave him “stop talking” looks.

“I really don’t think Lisbon is the best person to give Lucy advice of any sort, least of all relationships.” Jane told him bitterly.

“We’ll, uh, see you, Jane.” Rigsby said, wanting to avoid an awkward conversation.

“Tell Lucy we said happy birthday, ok?” Grace said softly as they headed out.

“I will.” Jane promised.

~*~

Up in her bathroom, Lucy looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes red from crying. Her father had ruined everything and she just wanted every trace of that disastrous party to disappear. She’d already ridded herself of her dress and was now in poodle pajamas and her fluffy pink bathrobe. She washed all the make-up off of her face and took her hair down, putting it back up in a messier bun. Checking to make sure her father was still downstairs; she crept into his room and went towards his nightstand. She kneeled down and took the box labeled “Lucy’s Letters” out from the space underneath the drawer. She took the lid off and combed through the letters until she found the one with the thirteen written in the top right hand corner. She took the thirteenth letter out and put the cover back on the box again. Lucy placed the box carefully back where she found it and headed into her room. She shut her door and got comfortable on her bed, opening the letter with shaking hands. It read:

_Dear Lucy,_

_This letter and the one that follows it were two of the hardest letters for me to write, mostly because it’s about your Dad. It’s about what he went through before I met him…and what I put him through after you were born. After you read these, you should have a talk with him but make sure he’s completely honest with you. If we’re ever going to a family again in the future, there’s things you need to know and I think you’re old enough to hear about them. Anyway, I don’t know if he’s told you this but the reason that he knows all the tricks he does is because his family used to work at a carnival and he would con people for money. When he got older, he started taking clients who would pay him to communicate with their dead relatives, not knowing that he was faking it. A while later, he started using his “ability” to help the police catch killers and that earned him a spot on a talk show. On the talk show, he insulted an infamous serial killer known as Red John. When he got home from the talk show, his wife, Angela, and his daughter, Charlotte, were dead. Red John was behind it. He came to the CBI, the place where I used to work, looking for information on the Red John case. Through a strange set of circumstances, he ended up being my consultant and helping me solve crimes with the intention of one day capturing and killing the man that took his first family. He reached his goal a few months before we started seeing each other. We loved each other before then but he was afraid if he got close to me, Red John would use me against him. When he found out I was pregnant with you and I hadn’t told him, he was angry…but once you came, he was the happiest I’ve seen him since he told me he loved me. He told me you and I were his “second chance” at a family now that Red John was dead. But six weeks after you were born, I shattered his dream because of my secret. The newspapers used to nickname me “Saint Teresa” but I’m anything but a saint. Your Dad is far from one either, I know that you grew up thinking your Dad and I could do no wrong…but that’s not true. I’ve lied and he’s lied but we’re both trying to redeem ourselves and I think he has, at least, by being such a great father to you. I’m still working on it but remember that we love you, Lucy. That will never change._

_Love,_

_Mom_

After Lucy finished the letter, she closed it up and put it away, her eyes filling with tears. She needed her mom, now more than ever. She needed her love and her advice. She would know what to do, Lucy was sure of it. She had so many questions, ones her father could never hope to answer. With that, she dug her mother’s number out of her nightstand drawer. She dialed it as she had so many times but this time, she wasn’t nervous. She held her breath only slightly as the phone rang in her ear, soon the ringing stopped.

“Hello?” Teresa said.

“Hey, Mom. Can I…talk to you about something?” Lucy said tentatively.

“I…uh, sure. What’s up, Lucy? Happy birthday, sweetheart.” Lisbon replied.

“I wish it was a happy birthday. Dad ruined everything!” Lucy burst out; playing with her mother’s golden cross that hung around her neck.

Lisbon sighed, not at all surprised. “What did he do?”

“I invited my crush, Connor, to my party and he tried to hypnotize him into liking me! Who even does that?! Connor got upset with me and his friend Dylan even called us freaks! Connor apologized for leaving but I’ll be lucky if he even looks at me again, all because of Dad and his stupid con-artist tricks!” Lucy explained.

“I have to say, I’m not surprised.” Lisbon told her.

“Mom…” Lucy said irritably.

“Ok, give him the phone. I’ll talk to him.” Lisbon assured her.

Lucy sighed. “Thanks, mom.”

“No problem. I’ve known your dad long enough to know about all the crap he puts people through.” Lisbon said.

“I read your letter, by the way. It’s terrible what happened to his family but you shouldn’t have just left us like that, we need you, especially after what happened to Dad’s first family.” Lucy said, almost angrily.

Lisbon sighed. “I know, I know. Just make sure you read the last letter when you’re sixteen, it’ll explain everything and you’ll be old enough to know.”

Lucy sighed. “I wanna know now.”

“I know but just do it the way I told you to, I promise the answers are there.” Lisbon said reassuringly.

“When I read it, and I know, will you come home?” Lucy asked, biting her bottom lip nervously.

“We’ll see. I can’t promise anything until I know how you guys take it, Luc.” Lisbon told her.

“What could be so horrible that it would make me and Dad hate you?” Lucy asked curiously.

“You’ll see, I can’t tell you now. Just please, put your father on the phone.” Lisbon said.

Lucy blew out a frustrated breath and went to open her door. “Fine.”

“Thank you.” Lisbon replied.

Lucy opened the door. “Dad!”

Jane came up the stairs a moment later. “Yes, love?”

“Mom’s on the phone. She wants to talk to you.” Lucy informed him, handing him the phone.

Jane assumed she had called her after the disaster he’d caused at her birthday. He didn’t really want Lucy talking to her but since Lisbon was her mother and Lucy needed advice only her mother could provide, he had no choice.

Jane took the phone and headed downstairs, away from Lucy. “Hello, Teresa.”

“Jane, what the hell were you thinking?!” she replied.

“I was trying to help.” Jane responded, his voice firm.

“Ok, A, you’re her father, you’re supposed to be keeping scaring them off not playing matchmaker and B, she doesn’t want him to like her under hypnosis, she wants him to like her for who she is. What kind of a father are you?” Lisbon chided.

Jane was silent for a moment. “What kind of mother are you, Lisbon?”

“Dammit, Jane! This is not about me! You know I’m still working through all this crap.” Lisbon shot back.

Jane’s voice became cold. “Obviously, you’re not making much progress, seeing as how you’ve been ‘working through all this’ for thirteen years. You’ve disappointed Lucy on more than one occasion and we’ve both begged you to come home numerous times. You even managed to leave after that night we had last year and now you act like nothing happened. Well, it did happen, Teresa, and like it or not, we’re still very much in love. No matter what you do or where you run, Lucy and I will always be real. Now, you need to come home, discard those foolish notions about that secret of yours, and be a mother to our daughter.”

“That night did mean something to me. I just know that once you and Lucy find out why I’ve stayed away, you won’t want me to come back. I can’t take a chance.” Lisbon replied sadly.

“How are you going to know if you don’t even give us a chance?” Jane asked.

Lisbon ignored his question. “If she’s read this year’s letter, she’ll have a lot of questions, ones only you can answer. Please be honest with her, Jane, she needs to know the truth if we ever…”

“If we ever what?” Jane questioned.

“Never you mind.” Lisbon muttered.

“What’s in the letter?” Jane said.

“It’s about…Red John.” Lisbon admitted carefully.

“You told her about Red John? That wasn’t your story to tell, it’s mine and I was going to tell her when I felt ready, not a moment before. It’s a pleasure to know you’re open to sharing everyone’s secrets but your own.” Jane said icily.

“Jane, she needed to know the truth. She’s old enough to hear it.” Lisbon insisted.

“And she would have, on my terms, not yours.” Jane replied.

“Look, I know I should’ve left it up to you but I felt like it was the right time.” Lisbon said gently.

“Yes, you should have.” Jane said curtly, hanging up.

A few moments later, Lucy came down the stairs. “Dad, is everything ok? You seemed upset.”

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s just…that story in your mother’s letter…about Red John…it wasn’t hers to tell.” Jane said softly, looking at her.

“Were you ever going to tell me? What about the fact that you’re a con man and a liar?” Lucy asked.

“Eventually, yes, and I used to be a con man. I’m not anymore and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of.” Jane admitted, leading her to sit with him on the couch.

“If you weren’t proud of it, why’d you do it?” Lucy queried.

“My father and I worked at a carnival when I was sixteen. He was the announcer at the side-show where I used my “powers” to do different mind tricks. My father was a cruel man and he exploited my ability for money. He even forced me to con a dying girl and her grandmother for money. All he ever cared about was money. When I got older after he died, I used my “ability” to help the police catch killers and this gained me a certain amount of fame. I would go on talk-shows and pretend to help people talk to their dead relatives. I was foolish and Angela, my first wife, pleaded with me to stop…but I wouldn’t…and I got them killed.” Jane explained solemnly.

“I know…Mom’s letter said Red John killed them. I’m sorry, Dad.” Lucy said quietly.

“That’s why I wear this gold wedding ring for Angela…I can’t let go of the past. I killed Red John before you were born and I planned to propose to your mother and move on with you both…but she left us.” Jane said softly, glancing at his ring.

“You need to find out where she is, Dad, find out where she is and propose to her.” Lucy said firmly.

“If only it were that easy, love. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be found.” Jane replied.

Lucy sighed. “I’m sorry I said I hated you…”

“I know,” Jane said, wrapping his arms around her and murmuring into her hair, “I know, it’s ok.”

Lucy pulled back after a moment and looked at him. “You know I’m not judging you, right? Mom said in her letter that neither of you are saints and it’s ok. I know you guys aren’t perfect. The past is the past. I do have a lot more questions but they can wait.” Lucy assured him.

Jane smiled at his daughter. “Ok, and when did you get so smart, hmm?”

Lucy smiled back. “I learned from the best. Now, all we need is Mom back.”

“Yes,” Jane said, pulling Lucy in for another tight hug, “yes, we do.”

They sat there, just hugging, and for a moment it seemed that there were no worries, secrets, or fears. They had each other as they always had, but like always, they were painfully aware that there was one thing missing from their little family, and that thing was Lisbon.

 


	14. The Fourteenth Letter

Chapter 14: The Fourteenth Letter

Lucy’s fourteenth birthday was upon her before she even realized it. The events of the party the year before with Connor caused her to opt for a small slumber party—if you could even call it that—with her best friend, Karina. Everyone that she’d invited to the slumber party had quickly declined. Apparently, news of the Connor debacle at her party had spread throughout the girls she used to consider friends. If this failed slumber party was any indication of how her freshman year in high school was going to go, she didn’t want to start high school at all. Her only saving grace was that Karina had stuck with her despite every lie that was told and every harsh word that was said.

Jane knocked on Lucy’s bedroom door while she and Karina lounged in bean bag chairs on the floor, watching a movie.

“Come in.” Lucy replied irritably, still perturbed that her father had caused her to be hated before she even started high school.

Jane came in her room, carrying a large bowl of popcorn and trying his best to smile. “I thought you might like some popcorn while you watch.”

Lucy huffed, frustrated. “Fine, just put it on the floor and leave, please. I’m still mad at you, Dad.”

“Lucy, I’m really sorry that…I mean, I never intended for—.” Jane started carefully.

Lucy paused the movie and turned to look at him, glaring. “I know you never intended for this to happen but it did and now, because of what you did, I’m gonna be hated at my high school before I even start! Do you even know what that’s gonna be like?! Do you even care about me or do you just do what you want, whether it’s what’s best or not?!” Lucy fumed.

Karina put a comforting hand on her arm. “Lucy…”

Lucy angrily shrugged her off. “No! My mom was right about him! His stupid plans always got my mom in trouble and now he’s doing it to me!”

Jane’s voice turned stern. “Lucy Nicole Jane, don’t you ever insinuate that I don’t care for you again, do you hear me? I’ll admit that my actions were a mistake but I never intended for you to be hurt in any way. If there was any way I could possibly fix this, you know I would do it but you will not speak to me that way. It’s been happening entirely too often and I won’t have it.”

“You know, this never would’ve happened if my mom was here! She’d never let you do something so stupid!” Lucy shot back, running into her bathroom and slamming the door.

Karina gave Jane an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jane…”

Jane sighed. “Karina, I think it’s best that you go…Lucy’s a bit out of sorts at the moment.”

Karina nodded and collected her things. “Have a good night, Mr. Jane. Tell Lucy I said bye and happy birthday.”

Jane nodded and Karina headed downstairs to call her mother and leave. Jane got up from Lucy’s bed and headed to her bathroom door, hesitating a little before knocking.

“Go away, Dad, I don’t wanna talk to you.” Lucy snapped.

“Well, we’re going to talk whether you like it or not because I’m not leaving. Look, I know that your mother’s absence is getting harder on you as you grow older and I understand that completely but that in no way gives you the right to talk to me the way that you just did. After all, even though your mother isn’t here, I’m still your father and you will treat me as such or face consequences.” Jane replied evenly.

“Oh, so the rule breaker’s finally making rules, huh? It’s ok when it’s not you who has to follow them, right?” Lucy challenged.

“That’s it, Lucy, I’ve been patient with you but I won’t tolerate it any more. You’re grounded, a month this time. No TV, no computer, no friends over, etc. And don’t even think about calling your mother because I’ll be asking Grace to explain the situation to her and I’m quite sure she’ll agree.” Jane said.

“If I had friends…” Lucy muttered.

“Better yet, why don’t you just call her now and let me tell her exactly what’s going on?” Jane suggested.

“I’m not going to.” Lucy replied adamantly.

“Lucy, I’m going to find some way to contact her so you might as well just let me do it now.” Jane told her.

“Fine.” Lucy said angrily, opening the door, brushing past him and digging through her nightstand to get the number. Once she found it, she grabbed her phone, dialing irritably.

“What is it, Jane? I’m at work.” Lisbon asked on the other end.

“It’s not Dad, it’s Lucy. Dad made me call you because he wants to talk to you. He’s finally trying to be an actual adult and ground me. He thinks I did something wrong and that you’ll back him up.”

Jane shot her a warning look. “Give me the phone, Lucy.”

“What did you do?” Lisbon queried curiously.

“It’s not what I did, it’s what he did!” Lucy corrected.

“Give me the phone now, Lucy; I’m not going to ask again.” Jane interrupted.

“Fine! Take it!” Lucy burst out, handing him the phone and hurrying downstairs.

Jane sank onto her bed again and sighed, feeling completely helpless and lost. He had no idea how to parent a teenage girl.

“Jane?” Lisbon questioned, pulling him out of his thoughts. He put the phone up to his ear.

“Sorry, Lisbon, I was…thinking.” he said quietly.

Lisbon sighed. “What the hell is going on with her, Jane? Did you ruin her birthday party again? Why is she acting like this?”

Jane pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to formulate a response to Lisbon’s questions. “All of her invites she sent out last week about her slumber party tonight were declined, with the exception of her best friend. Apparently, word of my hypnotizing that young boy at her party last year spread...”

“Well, it was your fault, Jane…that was a really stupid plan.” Lisbon replied.

“I know that, Teresa,” Jane snapped, “she hasn’t let me forget it.”

Lisbon ignored his remark and continued, “So, why did you ground her?”

“She’s had quite the attitude lately. She continuously insults me and blatantly ignores any direction I give her. I understand that she’s been under a considerable amount of stress and I believe your absence has contributed to that, but there’s no excuse for this behavior. I’m still her father and she needs to respect that.” Jane explained.

Lisbon chuckled. “Welcome to parenting a teenage girl.”

“This isn’t funny, Lisbon, it’s all well and good for you to sit wherever you are and escape the responsibilities of being a mother but I’m the one that has to take care of her alone so, at the very least, I would appreciate a little support seeing as how you’ve never actually been here.” Jane replied coldly.

“This isn’t about me not being there, Jane…and for what’s it’s worth, you have my support…because you take better care of her than I ever could.” Lisbon replied quietly.

Jane’s voice softened. “She’s starting high school this year and given all the damage I’ve supposedly done to her reputation…she’s going to need a mother. Regardless of your fears, you should come back and at least try. If not for me, then for Lucy…she’s close to the edge, Lisbon, and I can only keep her from falling for so long.”

Outside, in the hall, Lucy listened. Her father was right…she did need her mother. She had one friend, Isabella had made her lack of mother a joke, and her first crush thought she was a freak. The only people that loved her were her father, her mother, and Karina. But if her mother truly loved her, why didn’t she come back and save her from everything that had happened? It was a question she’d asked herself for as long as she could remember but it was still one she didn’t have an answer for.

“I know…and I still love you. I think I’ll be ready soon.” Lisbon promised.

“I’m tired of hearing still, Teresa, we’ve waited fourteen years, we can only hold on for so long.” he replied.

“I know.” Lisbon repeated. Jane heard another voice call Lisbon’s name on her end.

“Please…just consider it again.” Jane pleaded.

“I will, look, I have to go. I love you and tell Lucy happy birthday and that I love her too, ok? Oh, and tell her that everything will be ok.” Lisbon said quickly.

“I love you too.” Jane whispered, but she was already gone.

After a moment, Lucy entered the room.

“Dad?” she said tentatively.

“Mhm?” Jane replied, her voice drawing him out of his thoughts.

“What did mom say?” she asked.

“I have her support on this, so unfortunately for you, you’re still grounded. Also, she asked me to tell you happy birthday and that she loves you.” Jane replied.

“If she loves me so much, why isn’t she _here_? Why hasn’t she been _here_ all these years?” Lucy asked harshly, crossing her arms.

“I told you before, Lucy, she’s afraid of something inside of herself, something she thinks could be dangerous.” Jane replied.

Lucy frowned. “You’re supposed to be this all-powerful mentalist, Dad. Why haven’t you figured out her secret? You’ve had enough time, I mean, you’ve had years.”

“Unfortunately, this is one secret your mother has successfully managed to conceal from me for a number of years. It’s clear that she doesn’t want anyone, least of all, me, figuring out what her weakness is and even I can only learn so much from observation. That’s all being a mentalist is, really, theatrics and acute observation skills.” Jane explained, crossing his legs.

“So…you have nothing?” Lucy questioned skeptically, unable to believe there was actually a person alive her father couldn’t read.

“As of now, yes, but being that I don’t see your mother every day as I used to, it’s even more difficult to read what turmoil she’s experiencing inside.”

“You have to try harder, Dad, it may be the only thing that’ll finally bring her home. If we can help her work through it…”

Jane sighed, wishing he had a solution. “Lucy, your mother has made it abundantly clear she doesn’t want help. She’s coming around, slowly, but I don’t think we’ll have any success until you read the contents of the letter when you turn sixteen. I believe what she needs is validation that we won’t hate her when the secret is finally revealed to us and she wants it to be revealed on her terms, not ours. Though I don’t necessarily agree about respecting her wishes when she chose to tell you about Red John before I was ready, but we’re going to have to contend with them. The release of this secret could be the thing that brings her back.”

“Should I read her other letter now?” Lucy asked.

Jane stood. “Go ahead,” he said, kissing the top of her head, “I’ll give you some privacy.”

With that, Jane left and Lucy hurried to his bedroom to retrieve the letter. Once she had it, she went into her room and lay down on the bed, studying the envelope before she opened it. The envelope was yellowed and slightly bent at the corners. She smoothed the corners and her eyes fell on the small, circled fourteen in the corner. The words “Happy Birthday, Lucy” were scrawled on the front, in her mother’s loopy, messy cursive. It was the same envelope she’d been seeing for fourteen years but this time it hit her how much these old, yellowing pieces of paper meant to her. These were literally the only real, raw connection she had to her mother. She felt like the letters were her mother’s diary and every year that passed brought her closer to the answer to what had always been her life’s biggest question. Before long, she opened the letter and slid out the yellowing piece of paper. She unfolded it and began to read:

_Dear Lucy,_

_This letter, in addition to the one before it and the two after it, was hard for me to write. Deciding to leave your Dad and you was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make and I’ve regretted it every day since. At the time I thought it was a good idea but it turns out I was wrong. I knew that you needed someone to be a good mom to you like I couldn’t be, even though I know he doesn’t “move on” easily. A few weeks before I left, I made this box of letters, and I wanted to read them to you every year on your birthday, knowing that in sixteen years, you would read the letter that would finally tell you why I left. When I got in my car after I kissed you goodbye, I didn’t look back because I knew that if I did, I would turn around. I’m sorry, Lucy, I didn’t mean to leave you like this but I was scared, and I didn’t know what else to do. I haven’t forgotten you, I promise. Anyway, I know that this year you’ll be starting high school and I wanted to give you some advice: High school may not be easy but it’s one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences in your life. Keep your head up and don’t let what other people say bother you; you’re stronger than that because you’re mine and your Dad’s daughter. Don’t give your heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it and as I said in one of my other letters, no boy is worth your tears. There’ll be some bumps in the road, but they’re worth it. Remember the friends you make and keep the memories you have with them. I’m sure you’re extremely resourceful and smart like your Dad (but don’t follow his example and do anything illegal) and I know you’ll do amazing. I’ll always have faith in you, Lucy, remember that. I love you._

_Love,_

_Mom_

 

After she was done, Lucy folded up the letter, put in back in the envelope and made sure it was back in its normal place. When she was done, she changed into a pink tank top and pink pajama pants with yellow rubber ducks on them, laid across her bed and fell fast asleep, preparing to face her first day as a high school freshman.

~*~

The next morning at six-thirty sharp Lucy’s alarm clock emitted a series of short beeps. She stirred and smacked her hand on the snooze button, in no mood to wake up. She heard her father taking a something out of a cabinet downstairs but paid it no mind. Before long, she felt her father gently shaking her awake.

“Lucy, wake up, it’s time for school.” Jane told her gently.

Lucy groaned and rolled over, yawning. “Ok.”

With that, Jane went downstairs to put breakfast out while Lucy changed. Lucy grabbed her best outfit and headed into her bathroom. If she was going to be hated, she felt she might as well make an effort to wear something decent, especially since she knew Connor was going to the same school. She pulled on her rainbow peace sign t-shirt and blue skinny jeans. She looked herself over in the mirror and sighed before pulling her hair into a long, wavy ponytail.

This is as good as it’s gonna get. Hopefully, Connor’s not still mad at me. she thought glumly.

Lucy made her way downstairs and got up onto a kitchen bar chair. Jane put her eggs in front of her and she picked at them with her fork.

“Why don’t you eat something, love?” Jane suggested.

“I’m not hungry and I don’t wanna go.” Lucy muttered unhappily.

“Well, you might as well get used to it. Your mother would threaten to shoot me if I didn’t send you to school.” Jane told her, putting a forkful of eggs in his mouth.

“From what I’ve heard from Aunt Grace, it wouldn’t be the first time.” Lucy muttered.

Jane chuckled. “That’s probably true. Now, get your bag and let’s go. It wouldn’t look good to be late.”

Lucy begrudgingly obliged and they made their way to the car, getting in and driving to the school.

~*~

They arrived at the large campus of Sacramento High School much sooner than Lucy would’ve liked but the sound of her favorite band coming through her earphones calmed her. She took the ear buds out after a moment as her father searched for a parking space in front of the school. Lucy realized that if he parked in front, not only would his archaic car make her a laughing stock among her new peers but some of them might recognize him from the party.

“Dad, could you drop me off around back, please?” she asked nervously.

“Sure, why? Are you nervous?” Jane replied, driving around to the back of the school.

Lucy faltered, thinking. “Something like that…”

Jane could tell she wasn’t telling him the whole truth but he let the matter drop and stopped the car.

Lucy hurried and grabbed her bag from the backseat as he kissed her head. “Bye, Dad! Remember, pick me up at two forty-eight in the back. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jane responded, sighing, “have a good day.”

With that, Lucy ran as fast as she could to the main office where a kind, middle aged receptionist was helping a line of nervous-looking freshmen. Lucy took her spot in line, seeing Karina.

“Hey, Karina!” Lucy said happily and Karina waved and smiled but her smile dropped when she saw who entered. She pointed her chin discreetly towards the door and Lucy turned, shocked at what she saw: The Wicked Witch of the High School Isabella and her loyal group of flying monkeys. Lucy tried not to look at them and soon it was her turn in line.

“Name, please.” the receptionist asked politely.

“Lucy Jane.” Lucy answered quietly.

The woman typed her name into the computer and smiled. “Ah, here you are. Lucy Jane.” The woman pressed a button and the printer began printing and when it was done, she handed Lucy the paper.

“Here’s your schedule, sweetheart. It looks like you have English first, in room 2-21B. Any room numbers that have a two in front of them are on the second floor and any rooms that have A or B on them are on the right side of the hall and Cs and Ds are on the left.” the woman explained helpfully.

“Thank you.” Lucy replied.

The woman handed her another slip of paper. “This is your locker location, number, and combination. Don’t lose it.”

Lucy quickly put the information into her phone. “I won’t.”

“Ok, just need to get your picture for your ID card and you’ll all set. Smile.” the woman said, taking her picture with the camera. Lucy smiled but everything felt awkward. In a few minutes, the woman handed her the card.

“I’d advise you not to lose it, you have to pay if you do. Ok, off you go. Have a nice day.” the woman warned.

“Thanks. “Lucy muttered, walking away, studying her schedule as she made her way to class. Lucy looked quickly for the room, trying not to panic that the bell might ring soon. She hurried from hall to hall with no success and her panic rose as the bell rang and Isabella and her friends passed, laughing. Lucy looked up from her schedule and was thankful when she finally found 2-21B but her happiness quickly faded when she saw who was in front of it: Isabella. As if that wasn’t enough, Lucy’s expression changed to horror when she saw that Isabella was kissing Connor!

Lucy’s anger bubbled to the surface but she pushed past Isabella without a word and entered the classroom.

“You’re late.” The skinny teacher said curtly, putting a strand of dark hair behind her ear.

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said softly, “it was hard for me to find the room.”

The teacher frowned. “Make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Of course.” Lucy replied.

The teacher looked down at her attendance sheet and continued. “Lucy Jane?”

Lucy raised her hand. “Here.”

“Good.” the teacher replied, making a mark next to Lucy’s name, one for attendance and one for tardiness.

Lucy sighed, wishing that she hadn’t seen Isabella and Connor outside of the classroom. It was ruining her concentration and she hadn’t heard any of the last names the teacher had called.

“Isabella Schaffer?” the teacher called, and Lucy tried not to snicker as she saw Isabella and Connor attempting to sneak in late.

“Here!” Isabella said quickly as she sat down in her seat.

“Ah, it seems we have a pattern here today. Ms. Jane was late as well.” the teacher said tersely, pursing her lips as she marked another tardy on the sheet. Isabella shot Lucy a triumphant smirk which Lucy ignored.

“Connor Maxwell?” the teacher continued.

“I’m right here.” Connor said.

The teacher marked another tardy on the sheet and continued taking attendance while Lucy’s mind drifted again to what happened outside the classroom. Why did Isabella hate her so much? Why did she have to take everything away just because she knew Lucy wanted it?

~*~

After first period, Lucy’s day went from bad to abysmal. She was late for second third and fourth period and she even ran into a pole while reading her schedule, causing Isabella and her friends to laugh and draw attention to attention to her. When the bell rang for lunch, happiness rose in Lucy’s chest. She would get to see Karina, given that they only had second period Algebra together but Lucy’s happiness was short lived. Isabella was in front of her in the lunch line.

“Oh, look, it’s the orphan,” Isabella sneered, “do you think she’s hungry? I think we can fix that.”

“Enough, Isabella.” Connor interjected, but Isabella gave him a dirty look and he silenced.

With that, one of Isabella’s friends tripped Lucy and she fell face first into Isabella’s waiting salad bowl. When she stood up straight pieces of lettuce, onion, and olive were stuck to her face and hair with ranch dressing. As the cafeteria erupted into laughter, Lucy fought the urge to cry. She put down her tray and ran towards the bathroom.

Karina came toward her and grabbed her arm gently. “C’mon, Luc. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

After Karina cleaned her up and calmed her down, Lucy hoped the school day would end quickly so she could be alone in the privacy of her own home. She heard the whispers and snickers in the halls as she passed. She tried to ignore them but she was getting increasingly more annoyed. The only bright spots in her day were that Karina had helped her and Connor had attempted to stand up for her, even if he had let Isabella control him.

When her father picked her up at the back of the school after last period, she got in and threw her backpack in the backseat without a word.

“How was your first day, love?” Jane queried.

“Don’t ask.” Lucy muttered and for once Jane let the matter drop, sensing she needed time to think, even though he could see the dried tear trails staining his daughter’s cheeks.

“Alright, remember that I’m here if you need to talk…” Jane offered gently, glancing at her as he drove and Lucy only nodded in response, putting the earbuds attached to her music player in and turning the music up, thinking.

Isabella’s constant taunting about her mother leaving, Isabella’s attempts to degrade and humiliate her, and most of all, the fact that Isabella took Connor just because Lucy liked him had made Lucy fed up and angry. She decided then that this was the last straw, and she didn’t know how or when, but she was determined to take things into her own hands. She was going to find out where her mother was, go there, and bring her back…at any cost.

 


	15. The Fifteenth Letter

Chapter 15: The Fifteenth Letter

Lucy woke up on her fifteenth birthday feeling nothing. Birthdays weren’t as special as they used to be when she was little because she didn’t have any friends to speak of except Karina and most of all; it was finally starting to get to her that her mother was never here to celebrate her life. Her mother had never been there except for the times when she’d had a change of heart and the only way she ever got a happy birthday from her was in a two-minute phone call. Lucy was tired of using every birthday wish for the last fourteen years on a return that was not likely to happen. She felt like she was wasting her hope but yet, a part of her refused to stop hoping. That part of her was still a little girl who desperately craved her mother’s attention and would stop at nothing to get it. Lucy forced herself to get out of bed when her alarm clock beeped for school. After she dressed, she headed downstairs, smelling chocolate-chip pancakes.

She breathed in the pleasing aroma of melted chocolate as she forced herself to smile. “Morning, Dad.”

Jane put the second pancake on the plate and turned, smiling at his daughter as he brought her birthday breakfast to the bar. “Good morning, love, happy birthday.”

Lucy gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Dad. These look amazing.”

“You’re welcome. You’re not grounded anymore so Karina can come over tonight if you want.” Jane suggested as he ate a forkful of eggs from his plate on the counter.

“Ok, I had something I wanted her to help me with.” Lucy said carefully.

“Like what?” Jane asked, with slight suspicion in his tone.

“Oh, just some school stuff.” Lucy lied. She sensed her father could see through it but when he didn’t ask her anything else, she felt relieved.

“Alright, now, let’s go or you’re going to be late for school.” Jane said, finishing his eggs as Lucy finished her pancakes.

“Fine.” Lucy said, as her father put the empty plates in the sink.

Lucy then grabbed her backpack and slung it over one shoulder, following her father out the door.

Once they were both in the car, Jane glanced at her after they buckled up. “I know you’ve had a hard time with Isabella these last few years but you can’t let her bother you. Letting her see your displeasure only makes her tease you further. The only way to stop a bully is to take away the source of their power.”

Lucy raised an eyebrow. “How did you know?”

“Your reluctance to go to school and the time you punched her in the face when you were eleven were rather obvious clues.” Jane answered, starting to drive.

“Oh…yeah. I forgot about that.” Lucy replied.

“Also, I know why you why you have me drop you off around the back of the school. It’s because you’re afraid people will recognize me from your party.” Jane stated.

Lucy bit her lip, ashamed. “I’m sorry, Dad, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I--.”

“I know, it’s alright, Lucy. Just don’t give Isabella any reason to have power over you. You’re stronger than that. You’re your mother’s daughter.” Jane assured her.

“If my mom’s so strong, why isn’t she here with us?” Lucy replied coldly.

That question stopped Jane in his tracks. It was one that he had tried to answer for fifteen years without success. He wondered how one secret could have so much power over Lisbon and could cause her to push away the ones who cared for her the most.

“I don’t know.” Jane answered his daughter hesitantly.

“Well, one day I’m gonna figure it out, Dad. I promise. I’m gonna get her to come home.” Lucy told him, a determined smile finding its way onto her features.

“I have no doubt; you have your mother’s determination as well.” Jane replied as they pulled around the back of Sacramento High School. Lucy heard the bell signaling the start of class and she franticly grabbed her bag.

“Crap, I’m so late! My teacher’s going to murder me!” Lucy exclaimed as she let her father kiss her on the head.

“Well, if she does, I can always have the CBI agents arrest her.” Jane joked, his blue-green eyes twinkling.

“Ha-ha.” Lucy said dryly, exiting the car and running into school.

“Have a good day and happy birthday! I love you!” Jane called after her, starting to make his way to work.

~*~

Karina met Lucy by her locker before the start of second period Algebra. They switched out their books from their previous classes and collected their Algebra books.

“Hey, Luc, happy birthday. Is Operation “Find Your Mom” still on?” Karina questioned.

“Yeah, we’re gonna meet at my house after school.” Lucy confirmed as they shut their lockers and headed down the hall to class.

“Does your dad know anything about this?” Karina asked, looking at her.

Lucy grinned. “He doesn’t have a clue.”

Karina gave her best friend a skeptic look. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yeah, because if he knows I’m planning to go all the way to where she is, he won’t let me do it. He’s already told me he doesn’t want me interacting with her. He’s afraid she’ll hurt my feelings again.” Lucy explained.

“I see your point,” Karina conceded, “but is this really worth it? Do you really wanna spend all your money on a bus ticket just to have her hurt you even more?”

Lucy set her jaw. “Karina, I’m doing this, no matter what the outcome is. You can help me like you said you would or I can do it alone. Are you with me?”

Karina nodded slowly, considering. “I’m with you, Lucy but if your dad finds out, he’s gonna kill you, you know. And my parents will kill me for helping you.”

“Then we’ll just have to make sure they doesn’t find out.” Lucy said, with a grin.

Karina groaned. “Remind me why I go along with your plans.”

“Because you wanna help me get my mom back.” Lucy replied simply.

“Yeah…you’re right.” Karina sighed.

“When are you gonna learn, K? I’m always right.” Lucy said with a smirk.

Karina waved her friend’s response away playfully. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s get to class.”

Lucy laughed and they entered the classroom together.

~*~

Lucy had never been more eager for school to end. When the bell signaling the end of last period rang, Lucy bolted out of her seat, leaving Karina to run and catch up with her.

“Whoa, Lucy, slow down. If your Dad thinks you’re excited about something, he’ll be suspicious. Look, there he is. Just try to act normal, ok?” Karina said, nodding towards Jane’s car.

Lucy took a deep breath to calm herself. “Yeah, you’re right.” She hitched her backpack strap up higher on her shoulder as they walked towards his car.

“Hello, girls. How was your day?” Jane inquired casually as the girls climbed in the backseat, putting their bags on the floor.

“Good.” Lucy and Karina answered in unison as they buckled their seatbelts.

Jane looked at them in the mirror. “Are you ready?”

Lucy nodded. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Jane started the car and as he did so, he noticed Lucy give Karina a small, knowing smile that Karina returned. He was even more suspicious than he had been that morning but he didn’t bother to question it. Apparently, Lucy and Karina had planned something, and he was determined to find out what that something was.

~*~

When they arrived at Lucy and Jane’s house, Lucy and Karina hurried up to Lucy’s room with their backpacks.

“Remember, if you need any help with your homework, you can ask me and I’ll try to assist to the best of my ability.” Jane reminded them.

Lucy stopped on the top stair, looked back at him and smiled. “We know, thanks, Dad.”

Jane smiled. “Anytime.”

With that, the girls headed into Lucy’s room and shut the door.

Once they dropped their bags on the floor, Karina took a seat on the end of Lucy’s bed while Lucy exited her room to go into her dad’s room and retrieve the box of letters. She shut the door behind her when she reentered the room.

“What do you need those for?” Karina questioned, tilting her head.

“First, I need to find out what my mom does, and then I need to find out where she is and then, where exactly she works.” Lucy explained, kneeling on the floor, opening the box, taking out letter one, opening it and skimming its contents. Karina read over her shoulder to see if she could help.

“I got it,” Lucy said after a few moments, “she’s a detective. Now, we just have to find out what state she works in.”

Lucy put the letter back in the envelope and put it back in the box, closing it.

“Don’t you have her phone number? You could do a Google search for the area code and that should give you the state.” Karina said helpfully.

Lucy got up from the floor and hugged her, grinning. “Karina, you’re a genius.”

Karina smiled proudly. “I try.”

Lucy went over to her nightstand and rifled through the drawer until she found the slip of paper she’d copied her mother’s number on. Lucy hurried over to her desk and sat in the chair, booting up her computer. While she waited, Lucy placed the number on the desk. When the computer was ready, she looked at the number and entered “Area Code 212” in the search bar. Once she found a site that looked promising, she clicked on it.

“That’s Manhattan, she’s in New York.” Lucy said and Karina smiled.

“Now what?” Karina asked.

“Now, we find an area code map of New York and compare it to a list of precincts. I can call them to find out which one she works for.” Lucy told her simply.

“Now you’re the genius.” Karina said, laughing.

“Thanks.” Lucy replied as she typed in “Area code map New York” and opened a new tab and searched for “List of New York precincts” Once she had websites for both of those up, she went downstairs to grab the phone.

“How’s the homework coming?” Jane asked as he saw his daughter come downstairs.

“Good, we just need to call a friend who’s good at math to help us with Algebra.” Lucy lied smoothly.

Jane fixed her with a slightly suspicious look. “Alright. Remember, I can help you too.”

Lucy nodded, going to head back up the stairs. “I know, Dad, thanks.”

Once she got back in her room and closed the door, Lucy sat down and dialed the non-emergency number for the first precinct listed under “Manhattan.”

After two rings, a woman’s voice came on the other end. “First Precinct, how may I help you?”

“Yeah, hi, my name is Lucy Jane and I was wondering if a detective named Teresa Lisbon works there.” Lucy replied.

“Let me check,” the woman said and Lucy could hear the tapping of keys, “nope, no Teresa Lisbon here. I’m sorry. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Lucy sighed. “No, thank you. Have a good day.”

“You too.” the woman responded and Lucy ended the call.

“No luck?” Karina asked, looking at her friend.

“Nope, not that one.” Lucy said sadly, beginning to dial the next one. The refusals kept coming from each precinct Lucy contacted. By the time she got to the twenty-fifth precinct, she was steadily losing hope.

“Twenty-fifth precinct, can I help you?” came a gruff man’s voice on the other end.

“Hi,” Lucy said slowly, “my name is Lucy Jane and I was wondering if a Detective Teresa Lisbon works there.”

“Hold on, I’ll check.” he replied, and Lucy held her breath slightly, listening to the tapping of computer keys.

“Yeah, we do,” he said, after a few moments, “do you need to speak to her?”

Lucy tried not to sound too happy. “No, no. I’m fine. Thank you, thank you so much. Have a good day.”

“You’re welcome.” the man said, and then she heard a click and she hung up.

“Is it this one?” Karina asked hopefully, smiling.

Lucy grinned and said happily, “I found her, K. I found her.”

“Oh my God, really? That’s great!” Karina exclaimed, hugging her friend tightly.

“I know. I’m finally going to get her back home and this time…she can’t run.” Lucy said.

“So when are you planning on leaving?” Karina asked.

“A few days before my sixteenth birthday. I’ll get the tickets and be on a bus before my Dad even knows I’m gone. I’ll google the route right now.” Lucy said, typing in something and before long, she had instructions on exactly how to get there. She printed the page, copied down the address of the precinct, got up, and stuck both papers under all the things in her drawer. She sat back in her desk chair and exited the browser.

“Just be careful, ok?” Karina warned, hugging her tightly again.

“I will, I know what I’m doing.” Lucy said with certainty.

~*~

That night, Jane cooked Lucy’s favorite meal and invited Karina to stay for dinner. Since Lucy didn’t have a party, Grace, Rigsby and Cho sent over their cards for her and Karina gave her a card she had made. Jane had baked chocolate cupcakes for dessert and put a lit candle on one so Lucy could make her wish after they sang “Happy birthday” to her. Lucy blew out the candles and wished for her mother’s return as she did every year. After the cupcakes were eaten, Lucy opened her cards, which all had varying amounts of money in them, which Lucy was thankful for.

“Bye, Lucy.” Karina said, after everything was over.

Lucy hugged her friend tightly. “Bye, thanks for everything.”

“You’re welcome.” Karina said, letting go as Jane observed, smiling.

Jane hugged Karina as well. “Thank you for coming, Karina.”

Karina nodded and left.

After Karina left, Jane left Lucy alone as she headed upstairs to change and read her mother’s letter.

Lucy changed, and then went into her room where the box was still sitting. She picked it up off of the floor and sat on her bed, going through the letters until she found the yellowed envelope with the number fifteen circled in the corner. She took the envelope out and closed the box, placing it on the floor. She laid back against her pillows as she smoothed out the bent corners, like she always did. As she slipped the yellowed paper out of its envelope, she thought about how surreal it was that this was her second-to-last letter. This was the letter before the one that would explain the secret that had haunted her mother for fifteen years and had torn her away from them. Lucy took a deep breath, unfolded the letter and began to read:

_Dear Lucy,_

_I feel like I should use this letter to prepare you for what you’re about to learn about me. You’ve grown up thinking that I’m a good person and I guess I am but there’s some things about me that aren’t, which I’ll explain fully in the next letter. Remember that no matter what you read there, I love you. The secret won’t change how I feel about you but it may change how you and your dad feel about me. Once you learn the truth that I’ve been hiding, I know you both won’t want me around and I understand that. The secret changed me and I don’t want it to destroy you or your dad because you’re the two people I care the most about hurting. I know I've hurt you enough already but that would be nothing compared to what would happen if I came back in spite of my secret. I think, by the following year, you’ll be old enough to hear the truth. The only question is…whether you’ll hate me for it. I’ll love you and your Dad no matter what, remember that._

_Love,_

_Mom_

The questions that had been there for years still tugged at Lucy’s mind as she folded up the letter and put it back in the envelope: Why was this “secret” so horrible? What was she afraid of doing? Why would she always run away when Lucy was around? Lucy put the letter back with the others and carried the box to where she knew her father usually kept it. She didn’t even feel her father’s goodnight kiss after she slipped back into bed and fell asleep.

~*~

The year passed quickly and Lucy woke up in the middle of the night, three days before her sixteenth birthday and dressed as quietly as she could. She silently took out the contents of her backpack and grabbed a few changes of clothes, pajamas, underwear sets, a toothbrush, toothpaste, her sneakers, some socks, and a blanket, before putting them inside. She carefully took all her money she’d saved out of her piggy bank and put the bank back, leaving her cash and change on the bed. Lucy crept into the kitchen and retrieved two plastic bags, one that she filled with snacks, and another, smaller one she left empty. She went back up to her room with the bags and put the one full of food in her backpack and put the money inside of the empty bag. She made sure it was tight and put the money in the front pocket, zipping it up. She headed back to the kitchen and grabbed three water bottles, carrying them up to her room. She put one in the mesh pocket on the side of the bag and the other two inside in the large pocket. Lucy put her jacket on, opening her nightstand drawer and putting the bus directions, her mother’s phone number and the precinct address in her pocket. She made her way as quietly as she could into her father’s room and retrieved the box of letters, taking off the lid. Lucy froze as he stirred but continued when he did not wake. She slipped the sixteenth letter out of the box, put the lid back on and put the box back where she found it, heading back to her room. She put the letter in her backpack and zipped it up, putting it on her shoulders. Lucy then quietly slipped down the stairs and out the door.

~*~

The Sacramento Bus Station was normally a crowded place but since it was the middle of the night, there were only a few stray travelers coming and going. Lucy kept her bag on one shoulder as she made her way up to the ticket counter, pulling her bag towards her and retrieving the bag of money. Once she had it, she closed the pocket. She consulted the bus directions from her pocket and said, “The midnight bus to Chicago, please.”

The woman nodded and told her the price, which Lucy counted out and paid. Soon, the woman handed her the ticket and Lucy took it.

“Thanks.” Lucy said politely and she headed to sit down on one of the seats.

Taking her backpack off, she opened the front pocket and returned the money to its rightful place, zipping the pocket up. When the bus arrived, Lucy put her backpack on and made her way toward it, showing the driver her ticket as she boarded. When he nodded, she found a seat and sat in it, putting her backpack near her feet. When everyone who was taking the bus had boarded and they started off, she retrieved the sixteenth letter. Hands shaking, she started to open it. This is what she’d been waiting for…this is the letter that explained everything and now, she was finally going to find out why her mother left.

 


	16. The Sixteenth Letter

Chapter 16: The Sixteenth Letter

Lucy swallowed as she slipped the yellowing paper out of its envelope. It amazed her how one yellowing, crumpled piece of paper could hold the answers to questions she’d had all her life. Once she read the contents of this letter, there was no turning back. She was even more scared of how this letter would make her feel. Was her mother right? Would she hate her and never want to see her again? Would the image of the strong, independent woman she’d always thought her mother to be become marred because of this new information? Lucy took a shaky breath while she unfolded the letter, Sacramento whizzing by her window. Lucy put her long, dark brown hair behind her ear and began to read:

_Dear Lucy,_

_This was, by far, the hardest letter for me to write, probably because it’s the complete truth, no cutting corners. In order to tell you why I left, I have to tell you what my life as a kid was like. My dad was an alcoholic, and when he would drink, he’d have blackouts and beat me and my brothers. He beat us so bad that sometimes we ended up in the hospital. My mom was too scared to leave him and when she finally got up the nerve…she was hit by a drunk driver. For a while after that, it was just me, my dad, and my brothers. It was horrible because we’d get beaten more often because my mom wasn’t there to tell him to stop. Then, one day, he died and it was just me and my brothers. I raised them because I had to; they had no one else but me. When I got pregnant with you, I read about how child abuse is a cycle and that people who’ve been abused by a parent are more likely to abuse their own kids. I got scared but I decided to have you and see if I could try and be a good mom despite that. One day, your Dad left me home alone with you, you were crying and I tried everything stop you but I couldn’t. I thought about shaking you and telling you to shut up. That thought horrified me and I panicked and left you downstairs until your Dad came home, not wanting to risk hurting you. When he came home, he could sense something was wrong and that I was hiding something. He said we could work through it but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I was so afraid that he’d think I was some sort of monster. So, eventually, I decided that to give you and him a better life, I’d leave. If I left, I couldn’t hurt you. I left because I wanted to protect you, Lucy and this was the only way I could ensure your safety. I’m so sorry for everything I must’ve put you and your dad through. I really want to come home. That’s why I’m working so hard to control it. I love you, Lucy, I love you so much but I’d understand if you hated me. This state has the power to turn me into a monster and I don’t want that for you. I wanted you to have a better life, one that wouldn’t draw you into the vicious cycle of abuse. After my dad died, I vowed I’d never be like him but apparently this cycle gives me no choice. Don’t come looking for me, Lucy. It’s not safe right now. I’ll come home if I ever control it. I love you, no matter what you feel about me after reading this._

_Love,_

_Mom_

Lucy was numb as she put the letter back in its envelope. Her mother considered herself a monster. Lucy knew that her environment wasn’t her fault and strangely enough, rather than hating her, Lucy understood her. Upon learning that information, her mother had gotten scared and run away to give Lucy a better chance, though a part of Lucy was still angry that her mother hadn’t stayed and made an effort to work through her problems. Lucy put the letter back in her bag and looked out the window at the blur of cities passing by. She didn’t care what the letter said; she just wanted her mom home. They could get through this…as a family.

~*~

It was morning before Lucy reached the Chicago bus station and as she got off the bus with her backpack on her back, she noticed there was a sea of passengers coming to and from Chicago. She pushed her way through them and into the station, heading towards the ticket counter. She consulted her bus directions from her pocket again.

“Excuse me,” she said, “can I have a ticket for the nine-thirty AM bus to Pittsburgh, please?”

The man said yes and told her the total, which she paid him, and in return, he gave her the ticket.

“Thanks.” she replied, taking the ticket and sitting down in a seat to await her next bus. She slipped the bus directions back in her pocket. Out of her bag, she pulled a granola bar, a cheese stick, some peanut butter, and some crackers and began eating.

~*~

Jane awoke early that morning and dressed before heading downstairs to make breakfast for himself and Lucy. After it was done, he went up to her bedroom to wake her up. His mouth dropped in shock when he didn’t see her in her bed. Jane called her name as he hurried around the house, looking in every place she could be. When his search proved futile, his pulse quickened and he hurriedly dialed Grace.

“Hello?” Grace said on the other end.

“Grace…Lucy’s gone.” Jane said quickly.

Van Pelt gasped. “Gone? What do you mean gone?!”

“I mean that I went to wake her up and she’s not in bed nor is she in the house. She’s gone.” Jane replied, a little sharply.

“Well, you can’t report her missing until tomorrow though, but if she has her cell phone, we can ping it. I’ll try it and get back to you.” Grace promised.

“Thank you, Grace. Thank you.” Jane said, hanging up.

While he waited for Grace’s call, he decided to conduct his own investigation into his daughter’s whereabouts. He dialed Lucy’s cell phone, hoping that she’d answer his call but inside he knew she wouldn’t, because he suspected she was doing something she knew he’d blatantly disapprove of.

~*~

Lucy put the food away and was just taking a sip of water when she decided to change her clothes. She headed into the women’s restroom and went into a stall, changing her outfit completely. Once she was done, she went over to the sink and brushed her teeth, ignoring the strange looks people were giving her. She put the old clothes and the toothbrush and tooth paste back in her bag, zipping it and slinging it back on her shoulders. Lucy headed back out and waited for her bus. Ten minutes later, it arrived and she hurried toward it, showing her ticket to the driver. He nodded and she found a seat putting her bag in front of her feet. Once all the passengers had boarded, the bus started off toward Pittsburgh. Lucy sighed in boredom, playing on her phone when suddenly the phone rang and the words on the screen read “Home.” She ignored his call and put her phone down, knowing he would leave a scathing voicemail after. Lucy wasn’t concerned with that right now; she was more concerned with getting her mom home.

~*~

“Lucy…” Jane muttered, as he hung up the phone. She was ok, she had to be ok. He nearly pounced on his phone when it rang a second later. “Hello? Lucy?”

“It’s me,” Van Pelt responded and he sighed.

“You’re not gonna believe this but her cell just pinged off a tower in Cleveland, it looks like she’s heading towards Pittsburgh.” Van Pelt told him.

“Pittsburgh? I wonder what’s there that’s of importance to her there…” Jane said as he went up to her room to look for any clues.

“I’m not sure.” Grace said, sighing.

“Thanks, Grace. I believe I have an idea as to how to find out where she’s going.” he said, booting up Lucy’s computer.

“You’re welcome, Jane. Please call me if you find her.” Grace replied, hanging up.

Once it was working, Jane clicked her internet browser and went through her search history like Grace had taught him, clicking on the bus route directions to Manhattan from Sacramento, where it showed one of her bus changes was in Pittsburgh and then she was off to New York. He wondered what significance New York held to her. Then it dawned on him as he minimized the browser and his eyes fell on the picture of himself, Lisbon and Lucy. She was going to find her mother and he had to find Lucy.

~*~

It was morning when Lucy arrived at the Pittsburgh station but despite the early hour, Lucy was happy. She’d eaten most of her snacks on the bus and was excited that she only had one more bus to catch until she saw her mother. She pushed through the crowds of people and waited until a ticket booth was free. When one was, she hurried up to it.

“I need a ticket for the eleven o’ clock bus to New York, please.” As before, she paid her money and the person gave her the ticket. She went into the restroom to change and brush her teeth again before heading out to wait for her bus. She was sure this plan would work this time, it had to, and her mother had no place to run away to this time. Karina called just as Lucy was sitting down and Lucy picked up the phone.

“Lucy? I have to make this quick. Your dad was just here, he told my parents about me helping you go to New York and now I’m grounded and he’s getting a plane ticket to come and find you. He made me tell him what you were doing and that you were taking buses. You better hurry and find your mom before he pulls the plug. I’m so sorry, Lucy.” she explained.

“It’s ok; I just bought my New York bus ticket. I’ll be there before he is. I’ll see you soon, ok?” Lucy said.

“Ok, be careful, Lucy.” Karina advised before hanging up.

Lucy slid her phone in her pocket and hurried to board the bus when it arrived, showing the driver her ticket. She sat down in her seat and put her backpack by her feet, praying that the passengers would hurry so they could start going. Once the bus started moving, Lucy sighed in relief.

~*~

Lucy arrived in Penn Station in New York six hours later and was quite surprised to see how busy it was. She pushed through the crowds of people and exited the station. She stood on the sidewalk and plugged the precinct’s address into the map application on her phone and she followed the directions until she was standing in front of the Twenty-Fifth Precinct. She took a deep breath and climbed the steps, entering the building. She went up to the front desk and cleared her throat.

“Hi, I’m Lucy Jane and I’m here to see Detective Teresa Lisbon.” she told him.

“She’s over there.” he said, pointing to the brunette woman sitting at a desk, engrossed in paperwork.

“Thanks.” Lucy said, making her way over to Lisbon’s desk and nervously clearing her throat.

Lisbon looked up and a shocked expression made its way onto her face. “…Lucy?”

Lucy smiled. “Hey, mom. Nice to meet you, again.”

Lisbon looked at her, fixing her with a frown. “What are you doing here? Are you here by yourself? Did your father put you up to this?”

Lucy crossed her arms, fixing her mother with the same frown. “No, Dad didn’t put me up to this.”

Suddenly, a voice behind them spoke. “I assure you; I did not put her up to this, Teresa. If I had, she would’ve had more than her savings with her and she would’ve come on a plane, not three buses. I had no idea about any of this. She and her friend, Karina, orchestrated this entire plan.”

Lisbon and Lucy turned toward the blonde man they both knew so well and stared at him.

“Dad,” Lucy asked, “how did you find me?”

“I checked the search history on your computer and had Grace ping your cell phone.” he said, smiling.

Lisbon frowned at him. “I still think you’re lying. Using our own daughter to get back with me, that’s low, even for you.”

“That is not true. Lucy came here of her own decision and I—.” Jane started but Lucy’s whistle cut them off, causing the other detectives to look up in surprise.

“I read your letter on the bus to Chicago and I know that you’re not the monster you think you are, mom. Just because your dad was a horrible person doesn’t mean you are. You have good inside of you, I know you do. And I know why you left; you wanted to give me a better life. I get that but I don’t care about what some stupid research says. You can do this, mom. We’ll help you. We can get through this…as a family. I didn’t spend my entire savings to take three buses here for you not to come home. When we get on that plane home, you’re coming with us because I need my mom, I need you. Don’t argue. We need you, we’ve always needed you.” Lucy said passionately, her eyes brimming with tears.

“She has a point…you do have so much good in you, Teresa. I’ve seen it. Please…just let us help you get through this. I love you…” Jane agreed softly, and both Lisbon and Lucy could see the pleading and love in his eyes.

“Please, Mom, I know you love us too.” Lucy begged, tears running down her cheeks.

“I…I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m a monster. Stay away, you have to stay away. I don’t want you to get hurt. You shouldn’t have come! Just go!” Lisbon said forcefully, turning away but before she could move any further, Lucy gripped her arm.

“No, we’re not going anywhere! I’m here! You can’t hide anymore and you can’t run!” Lucy yelled, not letting go of her mother’s arm.

Lisbon was quiet for a moment when she turned back to face her daughter. “Why don’t you think I’m a monster? Why don’t you hate me?”

“I told you,” Lucy began, “you’re not him. There’s good in you. I know it. The fact that you want to keep me safe is a clue.”

“What did the letter say, Lucy?” Jane asked quietly.

“It said that because her father abused her as a kid, she’s afraid she’ll abuse me.” Lucy explained carefully, seeing sadness in her mother’s eyes.

The teen let go of her mother’s arm and Lisbon sank numbly into her desk chair, staying silent for a long moment.

“It’s true that child abuse can be a cycle, Teresa, but it doesn’t mean you’ll follow it. You’re better than your father was, just trust us…you can break it.” Jane told her gently.

Suddenly, hot tears began to run down Lisbon’s face but she didn’t care enough to hide them or stop them. Carefully, Lucy envelope her mother in a hug and Jane joined them, putting his arms around his lover as well.

“Please, Mom.” Lucy begged, crying softly into her mother’s shirt. They stayed like that for a long moment before they let go. In that moment, they were connected…and they were a family.

It was what felt like an eternity before Lisbon raised her head, wiped her eyes, looked up at her hopeful daughter and lover, and spoke. “Ok…” she said softly, “I’ll do it. I’ll come home. I’m sorry for everything I put you both through…I was just trying to keep Lucy safe.”

Lucy grinned, tears welling up again in her eyes, this time as an expression of joy. “Thank you, mom. Thank you, I, I mean, we,” she started, looking at her father, who smiled, “have waited so long for this. You’re finally coming home.”

“I’m proud of you, Teresa. You’ve made the right choice.” Jane praised, leaning down to give her a soft kiss on her lips.

“Hey, I’m right here.” Lucy teased and they chuckled in response.

~*~

Soon, Lisbon, Jane and Lucy arrived back in Sacramento and headed to Jane and Lucy’s residence. Jane unlocked the door and carried Lisbon’s luggage in the house while Lucy slung her backpack over one shoulder.

“It’s just like I remember it.” Lisbon commented, smiling slightly as she stepped inside, examining her surroundings. She studied the photographs that lined the wall near the door, depicting Lucy in various stages of life, though several more had been added since she’d left.

“I did change my room twice though.” Lucy added, chuckling.

“Oh? Can I see it?” Lisbon asked, smiling a little at her daughter.

“Sure.” Lucy replied, taking her mother’s hand and leading her happily up the stairs.

Once they got to Lucy’s room, she opened the door and Lisbon followed her inside, taking in her surroundings.

Meanwhile, Jane put Lisbon’s luggage in the guest room, not sure if she wanted to sleep with him or not. He was trying to make her as comfortable as possible and give her the space she needed, not wanting to risk her leaving them again.

“It’s very…tropical.” Lisbon said with a laugh, sitting on Lucy’s bed.

“Well, I love the beach so Dad thought we should go with an island theme.” Lucy responded.

Lisbon looked around the room again and her eyes fell on the framed picture of herself, Jane, and baby Lucy in the hospital. “Where did you get that?”

“Where did I get what?” Lucy queried, looking in the same direction as her mother when her eyes fell on the photo as well.

“The picture…” Lisbon replied softly, still studying it.

Lucy nodded. “Oh, that one was part of something my uncles gave me for my birthday one year…I felt close to you when I looked at it so I asked Dad if I could keep it there.”

“What did they give you?” Lisbon questioned curiously, and Lucy dragged her desk chair over to her closet and stepped up on it, pulling down the large, old scrapbook.

“This.” Lucy replied, stepping down from the chair and handing her mother the book.

Lisbon looked at the sparkly silver paint and though it was chipping now, she could still see make out the words, “Your Mommy, Teresa” on the front. She then saw a photo of herself and she flipped open the book. There was an empty space now where the hospital picture should’ve been and she flipped the pages, chuckling at all the memories that were on them. Perusing the book made Lisbon regretful that there weren’t more pictures of herself and Lucy in it, but she knew that was her own fault.

When she finished, she closed the book and handed it back to her daughter, who climbed up on the chair again and put it away.

“I’m sorry there isn’t more of you and me in it, but that’s my own fault. I have to live with my choices.” Lisbon said remorsefully.

“Well, you’re here now. That’s what matters.” Lucy said with a smile, climbing off of the chair and putting back by her desk.

Lisbon smiled in return, proud of the person her daughter had become, even without her guidance. “You’re right.”

“Hey, why don’t you come downstairs? I have to talk to you and Dad.” Lucy asked.

“Ok…what’s this about?” Lisbon question curiously, getting up.

“You’ll see.” Lucy said with a slightly mischievous smile on her lips, starting to head downstairs as her mother followed.

“Is everything alright?” Jane asked them.

Lisbon nodded. “Yeah, but our daughter wants to talk to us.”

Lucy smiled. “Please, have a seat.”

Her parents both did as they were asked and sat on the couch while Lucy stayed standing before them.

Jane studied his daughter carefully. “What’s this about, Lucy?”

“She’s not gonna tell you. I already tried.” Lisbon replied, crossing her arms, an amused smirk playing on her lips.

“Ok, well, I think that since mom’s finally home, we should go to dinner tonight…as a family.” Lucy announced, smiling.

“Well, alright…” Lisbon agreed tentatively, figuring she owed Lucy and Jane that much after all that she’d put them through as well as for accepting her despite her secret.

“I agree, Lucy…but first we all need to have a family discussion. In the effort of full transparency, there are some things your mother and I need to explain to you first. Come and sit down, please.” Jane told her gently, and she did as she’d been asked, taking a seat next to her mother.

Lisbon shot Jane a questioning look but he continued, “Before you were born, I did a very bad thing. In an attempt to draw out Red John, I faked a breakdown, burning case files and pretending that I’d given up. Unfortunately, for it to seem believable, I had to cut ties with everyone at the CBI, including your mother…” Jane explained.

“Don’t forget to mention how you never even contacted me once when you left, not once. You just let me worry about you for an entire year! No calls, texts, no--.” Lisbon added harshly but Jane cut her off.

“We’ll hash our own issues out later, Teresa. This discussion is only so that we can be completely honest with Lucy before we try and become a family again.” Jane reminded her evenly. Lisbon shot him a dirty look but said nothing more.

Jane took a breath and continued, “After doing so, I headed out to Vegas and met a woman named Lorelei Martins, who, as I found out later, was a friend of Red John’s. After a series of complicated circumstances which are too lengthy to explain now, I caught and killed Red John…as I know your mother,” he gave Lisbon an annoyed look, “has already mentioned to you. The point is, I’ve done things, illegal things in my life and I’ve hurt people, including your mother, which I’m not proud of. But one thing I will not apologize for is killing the man that murdered my first family in cold blood. That was what he deserved.” Jane concluded grimly.

Lucy’s face adopted a slight frown. “I meant to ask why you weren’t in jail after I read that letter.”

Jane sighed. “That, love, is another story entirely. I’ll tell you another time.”

“Wow, our family is really messed up…is there anything you wanna own up to mom? Did you kill anyone or break a law or something?” Lucy asked.

“The answer to both is yes and the second one was usually because of your Dad.” Lisbon responded, giving him a pointed look.

“You have to admit, Lisbon, without my plans, you wouldn’t have caught half as many criminals.” Jane replied, a smug smile on his handsome features.

“You mean your highly illegal plans that almost got me fired a few times?” Lisbon said, trying not to show how weak his smile made her, even his smug one.

“Ok, ok, cut it out, guys. I…have something to own up to too.” Lucy said, trying to hide the smile that had formed on her face due to her parents bickering.

“What is it, Lucy?” Lisbon asked gently.

Lucy took a breath and pushed her chestnut brown hair behind her ear. “I got mom’s New York phone number by going through Aunt Grace’s phone when I was a kid. And…I’m sorry about running off to New York without telling you, Dad.”

Jane nodded. “Alright, seeing as how you’re being honest, if you apologize to her and don’t run off ever again, we’ll call it even.”

“I agree…but if you ever do things like that again, you’re grounded.” Lisbon added and Lucy hugged both her parents tightly.

“Thanks, guys! I love you so much!” Lucy said happily.

When they let go, Jane spoke up, “How about that dinner?”

“You guys can go ahead, I have to go copy down three days’ worth of homework from Karina and then we’ll walk to the restaurant on 6th street and meet you. It’s not far from Karina’s. Oh, and make sure to dress nice, it’s kind of a classy place.” Lucy said, smiling as she went upstairs to pack a nice dress, purse, shoes, and a hair brush in her backpack. She went into her Dad’s room and opened a drawer, putting something hidden in the back of the drawer into her backpack and zipped it up. When she came downstairs, she waved to her parents. “See you guys soon!”

“Bye!” Jane and Lisbon echoed in unison as she left. Soon, they headed upstairs to get ready.

~*~

Once Lucy arrived at Karina’s house, she hurried inside after her friend let her in. They both hurried into Karina’s bathroom to change into dresses. Lucy changed into a simple, white gown that had a one shouldered bust, and a long silk skirt with sparkling silver lace designs falling over it. Karina curled the bottom of Lucy’s hair, putting it in a half-up, half-down style with a bun at the back, secured with a butterfly clip. She stepped into white heels and proceeded to do Karina’s hair in a classy bun to compliment her friend’s ice blue strapless gown. She stepped into her own heels and looped her arm with Lucy’s before they headed downstairs.

“Did they agree to it?” Karina asked her friend, smiling mischievously.

“Yeah, easy peezy lemon squeezy.” Lucy said proudly, opening her backpack and withdrawing her purse.

“Did you get what you needed?” Karina asked and Lucy held the object she’d taken from her father’s room before smiling and slipping it in her purse, zipping it up and putting it on her shoulder.

“Yeah, I got it.” Lucy replied as they both started out Karina’s door and towards the restaurant.

“Do you really think this is gonna work, Lucy? I mean…” Karina asked hesitantly.

Lucy sighed, “I hope so, Karina, I hope so.”

~*~

Jane and Lisbon arrived at the restaurant in Jane’s Citroen and he went around the car, opening Lisbon’s door, smiling as he helped her out.

“Thank you.” Lisbon said politely, unable to hide the smile on her face or the affection in her voice. She looped her arm in Jane’s and they headed inside, stopping at the hostess station.

“Jane, four, please. The other two guests should be arriving momentarily.” Jane stated.

“Alright, follow me and I’ll seat you.” the hostess replied, grabbing menus and seating them at a table for four, setting out all the menus. She left soon after, with the promise that someone would be there to take their drink orders in a moment.

A few minutes later, Lucy and Karina slipped inside, looking around for Lucy’s parents. They soon spotted them sitting alone at a table near the back on an elevated platform with two small steps leading up to it, and crouched quickly and carefully behind two plants that were next to each other near the railing of the area, peeking out to watch. Lisbon and Jane opened their menus, occasionally looking up for the girls. In response to that action, the girls would duck fully behind the plants and peek out a few minutes later.

The waiter passed them and the girls flattened themselves against the wall, careful to be quiet.

“Can I get you two some drinks?” the waiter asked.

“I’ll have an iced tea, please.” Lisbon replied.

“I’ll have hot tea, please.” Jane said, and the waiter nodded, going to fulfill their requests. A few minutes later, the waiter arrived with drinks, putting them on the table.

“Would you like to order or wait until the other members of your party arrive?” the waiter questioned.

“We’ll wait.” Lisbon answered and the waiter nodded his understanding as he left them alone.

“You…look beautiful tonight, Teresa.” Jane told her, a little apprehensively, looking up at her from his menu.

Lucy peeked out and saw her mother blush slightly.

“Thanks, Jane…that suit looks good on you.” she replied, in a slightly nervous tone.

Lucy bit her lip to keep from speaking and slipped her cell phone quietly out of her purse, turning off all of the sounds and opening a new message to her father, in which she typed: “On our way. Couldn’t decide on make-up. We’ll be there! Love you. Xo –Lucy”

Jane heard his phone make a sound and flipped open his phone, reading the message and flipping it closed.

Lisbon looked at him. “What is it?”

“Lucy and Karina are running late, something about make-up.” Jane replied, putting his phone away in his suit pocket.

Lisbon laughed. “Welcome to the dilemmas of sixteen year old girls.”

“Did you act like this at sixteen? Worried about make-up and infatuated with boys?” Jane asked.

“I didn’t exactly have the happiest teenage years, Jane…make-up was the least of my worries.” Lisbon muttered, a little irritated at being reminded of those times.

Jane frowned. “Oh, right…forget I asked.”

Ten minutes later, the waiter returned and Lisbon and Jane ordered. The waiter then took their menus and left them alone again to fill their orders.

“Jane,” Lisbon began softly, looking at him, “did you…did you love Agent Hill? Tell me the truth.”

Lucy and Karina peeked through the fake leaves and eagerly awaited his answer.

The question took Jane by surprise and there was a lengthy pause before he spoke, “No, no…I didn’t. I only love you. You’re the only person besides Angela that I’ve ever truly loved. I was only using Katherine to try and do the impossible.”

Lucy bit down hard on her lip to keep from squealing that she knew it all along.

Lisbon nodded, looking straight in his eyes now. “Oh…what’s that?”

Jane swallowed and smiled slightly, his blue-green eyes locking with her pure green ones. “Forgetting you, of course…but it failed because no matter what, you were always on my mind and in my heart.”

Twenty minutes later, their food arrived and they stopped conversing and cleared their throats awkwardly.

Lisbon looked at her watch and then Jane. “I think we might’ve walked into The Parent Trap, Jane. I don’t think they’re coming…”

Jane nodded thoughtfully. “I’d agree. As Admiral Ackbar once said, ‘It’s a trap!’”

Lisbon chuckled lightly. “She gets this from you, ya know.”

“Me? What would make you think you think that?” Jane asked, feigning surprise.

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I don’t know…maybe your entire track record at the CBI.”

“Meh, details.” Jane said, waving his hand and beginning to eat.

Lisbon rolled her eyes and followed his lead.

After he swallowed, he looked at her seriously. “I want to hear it from you, Teresa. I want the truth. Why did you leave us? And why did you keep hurting Lucy and me repeatedly?”

Lisbon swallowed and for a while silence lingered between them as she tried to formulate a full and truthful answer to his inquires. “Honestly, I was afraid…you know about the “child abuse is a cycle” thing Lucy read in my letter but the thing is that, one day, a few weeks after Lucy was born, I realized how startlingly true that was, or could be. It was the day you left me home alone with her for a few hours. She was crying and nothing I did or gave her made her stop so I put her down and just sat on the couch, listening,” Lisbon paused, her voice shaking, “ and I…I thought about shaking her and screaming at her to shut up…just like my father did with me. But…I knew I didn’t want to hurt her so I hurried upstairs until you came home. If I hurt her, I knew that I wouldn’t forgive myself and I also knew that if you found out…you wouldn’t want me around her. That was when you came home and asked me what was wrong…”

Jane nodded, waiting until she took a shaky breath and composed herself. “Why did you keep hurting us?”

“I didn’t mean to, that’s the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that my leaving was the only sure way to protect her. I kept coming back because…even though I knew it was safer to stay away, I wanted to feel like I was a part of her life. Not to mention, the fact that I still loved both of you very much. I never meant to hurt either of you.” Lisbon explained sadly.

“You could’ve told me, you know…I’m not denying that I would’ve been shocked but I could’ve helped you control it. You should’ve come to me; I would’ve admired your honesty, Teresa.” Jane told her seriously.

Lisbon frowned slightly at him. “You would’ve admired my honesty? That’s funny, coming from the man who has lied to me most of the years I’ve known him.”

Lucy watched this exchange, chewing on her bottom lip anxiously.

Karina put her hand on her friend’s arm and whispered softly, “It’s gonna be ok. Let them argue and work things out, it’s part of naturally resolving conflicts.”

“Or creating new ones.” Lucy whispered back.

“Relax, worry wart. It’ll be fine.” Karina assured her in a whisper, turning her attention back to the conversation.

“Oh, yeah, I’ll relax. I’ll relax while my parents, who finally started reconnecting after sixteen freaking years, are creating new conflicts that could cause my mom to run back to New York. Yeah, I’m totally relaxed.” Lucy whispered irritably to no one in particular, turning her attention back on her feuding parents.

Jane realized that if he fired back an angry retort, Lisbon may get angry and head back to New York with no hope of ever getting her back and all the traveling and convincing that his daughter had done would be for nothing.

Jane sighed. “You’re right, Lisbon, I had no right to say that. I’m sorry for every time that I’ve hurt you or mislead you. You never deserved that. Frankly, you deserve someone better than me…maybe that’s why I was so jealous of Detective Connley, because…I knew he deserved you more than I did because of all the things I put you through.”

Lisbon bit her lip. “No, Jane, it didn’t mean anything. I was using him to forget that I was in love with you. But honestly, if anyone deserves someone better, it’s you and Lucy.” Lisbon said, and Jane could tell she was visibly upset.

Jane put a finger underneath her chin, making her look at him. “She might’ve been but there’s one reason why it never would’ve lasted…”

“Why’s that?” Lisbon asked, staring intently at him, waiting for an answer. Lucy grabbed Karina’s hand and grinned, trying not to squeal as they peered through the leaves at Lucy’s parents.

“It’s simple. I love you, Teresa Lisbon. I love you with every fiber of my being and I’m so happy that we created such an incredible daughter that’s just like you in every way. For sixteen years, every time I looked at her, I thought of you. She’s you, she’s us. And no matter what, we all belong together, as a family, and there’s no amount of evidence in the world that can refute that.” Jane said earnestly.

Lisbon smiled at him, unable to remember a time when she’d been this in love with someone. “So, does this mean we’re ok?”

Jane nodded. “Though I don’t by any means appreciate all you put us through, I understand why you did what you did. Also, I’ve become aware that’s it’s quite impossible for me to ever be in love with someone other than you, I’d say yes. We are ok.”

“Really? When did you become aware of that?” Lisbon teased with a smirk, their plates now empty.

“Oh, right around the time we made love a few years ago, though it destroyed me when you left in the morning.” Jane admitted softly.

Lucy made a disgusted face at Karina in response to her father’s declaration, whispering, “I really did not need that information, Dad.”

Karina hit her arm lightly and put a finger to her lips, turning back to watch with Lucy.

“If you want the truth, it killed me to hurt you like that, Jane. I wanted to just stay and forget everything.” Lisbon said softly.

“You should’ve.” Jane replied, cupping her cheek and rubbing his thumb on it.

“I know, I know.” Lisbon replied, and she debated whether to kiss him. Normally, she wasn’t one for obnoxious PDA but it’d been four years since she’d kissed him and she was desperate to feel it again. But before she could move, the decision was made for her and she felt his lips on hers, his tongue running over her bottom lip.

With extreme reluctance, Lisbon pulled away, whispering, “Not here, Jane.”

Jane obliged rather reluctantly himself as the waiter approached them again, collecting their empty plates.

He went to put them away and once he had, he returned.

“Would you like dessert?” he asked, handing them the dessert menu.

Jane studied it and then spoke, “We’ll split a slice of strawberry cheesecake with two glasses of merlot, please.”

“Excellent choice, sir.” the waiter complimented, taking back the dessert menu and leaving.

“Now.” Karina mouthed to Lucy while Jane and Lisbon were conversing with each other. Lucy rose and hurried sneakily towards the waiter, grabbing his arm before he went into the kitchen. She whispered something to him and handed him money she’d saved and the object she’d taken from Jane’s bedroom. He nodded as if he understood and went to the kitchen.

Lucy hurried back behind the plants and grinned at Karina, putting something back into her purse. Soon, the waiter reemerged, carrying the cheesecake and a bottle of wine on a tray. When he placed the cake on the table, he poured them both glasses of wine and left with the bottle.

Lisbon picked up her fork but it clattered onto her plate when she saw what was on top of large strawberry on the cake and what was written in the strawberry syrup on the plate. It was the diamond engagement ring Jane at been saving in his drawer and the words, “Will you marry me, Teresa?”

Lisbon carefully picked up the ring and looked at him seriously. “Jane…what the hell is this?”

Jane swallowed the bite of cheesecake he’d just taken and put down his fork, and an expression that was a mixture of shock and surprise made its way onto his features. “For once, Teresa, I have no idea how that got there.”

Lisbon nodded slowly, a disbelieving expression on her face. “Uh huh, I bet you don’t, Jane.”

Jane was silent for a moment, thinking, and finally he spoke, “I’ve had that ring since before Lucy was born…I was going to use it to…”

“To propose to me?” Lisbon finished, biting her lip.

Jane nodded, looking into her eyes. “Yes, exactly but by the time I got up the nerve…you were gone.”

Lucy grinned even wider at Karina as they watched the events unfold and by now, even most of the patrons had their eyes glued to Jane and Lisbon’s table.

Lisbon reached a conclusion in her mind and said softly, “Lucy must’ve found it…she must’ve organized this…”

Jane rose as Lisbon trailed off, still trying to make sense of everything. “And there’s no reason to waste a good proposal…” he began.

Lisbon looked shocked for the second time that night as she struggled to find words. “Jane…are you?”

Jane took the ring from her carefully, got down on one knee, and held it up in one hand, diamonds glittering, even in the soft light of the restaurant. “I’ve been waiting for more than sixteen years to use this ring for this very purpose. Now, I can finally ask you the question that I’ve been longing to ask you…Teresa Catherine Lisbon, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

For a few long moments, the restaurant was so silent one could hear a pin drop.

Behind the plants, Lucy had Karina’s hand in a death grip and was biting down extremely hard on her lip to keep from screaming. Karina was grinning from ear to ear, waiting for Lisbon’s answer and shaking slightly with excitement.

“What about Angela?” Lisbon said quietly.

Jane sighed heavily, looking in her eyes, tearing up slightly. “I loved Angela, very much, but she’s gone, Teresa, and I have to accept that nothing is ever going to bring them back. I brought Red John to justice; I’ve worn my wedding ring for years. I’ve done everything possible to honor their memory and now…that I’ve found new love in you and Lucy…I think they’d want me to move on. It’s time. I’m ready; I’m ready to make you my wife. I love you so much and there will not be a day that goes by where I don’t love you with every part of me. You will always have my heart, Teresa, I can promise you that.”

After a moment, Lisbon grinned. “Oh my God. Jane. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you. That was a big part of the reason it was so hard for me to stay away after I left. So, yes, even though ninety percent of the time you’re an annoying pain in my ass, I still love you and I would love to be your wife.”

Jane laughed and slipped the engagement ring on her hand. “Ninety percent seems a bit high, love; I’d say it’s more like seventy to seventy-five percent.”

Lisbon smirked as he got up, looking up at him. “Seventy to seventy-five percent my ass, Jane.”

Jane just smiled, leaned down and kissed her deeply, one hand on her cheek as the other made its way into her dark brown hair. The restaurant erupted into applause as Lucy yelled, “IT WORKED!”

Jane and Lisbon stopped kissing as the entire restaurant turned towards the direction of the noise, now extremely silent. Lucy and Karina got up and came out, smiling sheepishly.

“Oops.” She said, as she and Karina blushed furiously red, embarrassed

Jane and Lisbon held hands and smiled at her and Karina happily.

“Come here, you guys. You’re not in trouble. We promise.” Lisbon said kindly, and the girls came over as Jane and Lisbon enveloped them both in hugs.

“We cannot thank you enough for this, both of you. You made this happen.” Jane said, smiling.

“You’re welcome, Dad.” Lucy said, grinning at them as the restaurant applauded again.

Karina grinned as well, overjoyed for Lucy and her parents. “You’re welcome, Mr. Jane…and Mrs. Jane-to-be.”

Lisbon laughed as Lucy took one of her parents’ untouched water glasses and a knife, tapping it and the applause subsided. “I’d like to make a toast... but first, I’d like to tell a story. My mom left California for New York when I was a baby for personal reasons and it’s always just been me and my dad. He was really great, don’t get me wrong but ever since I was little, it has been a dream of mine to bring my mom back home and get my parents to get married. Tonight, that dream was completed, and we’re going to be a real family. So, tonight, this toast goes not only to my newly engaged parents, Teresa and Patrick, but to family because I finally have what I’ve always wanted. To Teresa and Patrick and to family!”

Lucy toasted her glass with her parents’ and Karina’s, drinking a sip of water after. Karina did the same and her parents each took sips of wine amid the sounds of clinking glasses. As her parents pulled her and Karina in for another hug, Lucy couldn’t think of any place on Earth that she’d rather be.

 


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

One year later…

 

The beach was abuzz with activity, rows and rows of white wooden chairs were being set up in front of a small square metal frame with beautiful blue and white netting tied to the poles that made up the frame, creating a curtain like look on three sides. There were tropical blue flower garlands wrapped up around the poles that enhanced the tropical look. Lucy admired the area as she stood by one of the chairs at the back of the aisle on the blue carpet that had been put down for her mother to walk on as she made her way to the altar. Lucy knew that right now, up on the tenth floor of the fancy resort overlooking the beach, her mother and father were in separate suites, preparing for their wedding day. A few years ago, if Lucy had been told that she would successfully get her mother to not only overcome her fears of the cycle of child abuse and return home, but willingly agree to marry her father after sixteen years of separation, she wouldn’t have believed it. But all it was true…all of it had happened in the past year and it made Lucy smile to think about it. Lucy neared the waves that were lapping at the shore and rolled up her jeans before walking until the waves washed over her bare feet. She hugged herself in her oversized sweater and allowed her mind to drift away…that is, until Grace’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Lucy,” she called from up the beach, in an exasperated tone, and Lucy turned to look at her, “your mom’s been looking for you for almost an hour! You’re not even dressed yet and the ceremony starts in thirty minutes!”

“I’m coming!” Lucy yelled back, making her way to her aunt who escorted her back to the resort. Once they reached the suite on the tenth floor, Grace pushed in the key card and hurried Lucy inside, shutting the door. When Lucy entered, she headed to the left into one of the bedrooms where she knew her mother was getting ready.

When she saw her mother in the beautiful white wedding gown with straps and a large skirt, she gasped. “Oh my God, mom…you’re so beautiful in that dress.”

Lisbon turned, holding up her dress, her hair already done up in an intricate braided bun that Grace had done for her. “Thanks, Lucy. Now, hurry up and get dressed. We’ve been looking for you. I can’t have a missing flower girl.”

Lucy hurried into the bathroom and pulled on her tropical blue gown with a fake white flower on her hip. She curled her long chestnut locks at the bottom and stuck a white Hawaiian flower clip in her hair after applying her make-up. When she came out to put on her blue strappy heels, Grace and Lisbon smiled.

“You look beautiful, sweetheart.” Lisbon said and Grace nodded in agreement.

“Thanks, mom.” Lucy replied as she stood up.

“I almost forgot. Jane got you a wedding present and he wants you to wear it.” Grace said, hurrying into the living room and coming back with a wooden box that had a small card taped on top labeled, “To my love, Teresa, on our wedding day.”

Lucy, intrigued, came over to see what it could be. “What is it, mom?”

Lisbon slipped the note out of the envelope, smiling as she read it aloud:

“Teresa, my angry little princess,

I think I finally found your tiara.

All my love,

Patrick”

Lisbon and Grace chuckled at the old joke and Lucy gasped as her mother put the card down and opened the box. On the royal blue silk lining sat the very same tiara Jane had put on her head during the jewelry store case as a joke.

“Is that the tiara from the jewelry store case we had?” Grace asked in shock.

Lisbon nodded, smiling at her. “Yeah, I think it is.”

“What jewelry store case and why did dad call you an ‘angry little princess’?” Lucy asked, as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Before your dad and I were even together, I tried on a dress that I was supposed to wear at Aunt Grace’s wedding as her Maid of Honor and when your Dad barged in on me wearing the dress, I got mad at him and he told me that I looked ‘beautiful, like a princess, like an angry little princess’ and that ‘someone must’ve stolen my tiara.’” Lisbon explained, laughing, as Grace attached her veil to the tiara and situated it on her head, putting the veil neatly over her face.

“And one time, we had this case at a jewelry store, and your dad put this tiara on your mom just to irritate her.” Grace added with a laugh.

“Oh, now that makes sense.” Lucy replied, chuckling.

“Ok, Boss,” Grace said, “are you ready?”

Lisbon nodded as Grace handed her the bouquet of blue and white flowers. “Yeah, I am.”

Lucy and Grace held up Lisbon’s train as they walked down to the beach, careful to keep her out of sight of the many already seated guests, which included various CBI agents (including Jane’s best men, Rigsby and Cho), Lisbon’s former New York teammates, Carr and Green, Jane’s carnie family, Lucy’s best friend, Karina, her boyfriend, Nate, and Lucy’s new boyfriend, Tyler.

Minnelli met Lisbon where she was waiting up the beach and offered her his arm. “I never thought I’d see the day, Teresa Lisbon marrying Patrick Jane.”

Lisbon chuckled. “I never expected it either to tell you the truth. Thanks for giving me away, Virgil.”

Minnelli smiled warmly. “Anytime, Teresa, you were always like a daughter to me anyhow.”

Soon the music started and each of Lisbon’s bridesmaids, who were dressed in tropical blue dresses, made their way down the aisle, paired with one of Jane’s groomsmen, who were wearing white suits with tropical blue vests. Grace and Rigsby were the final pair to walk and take their place. Lisbon smiled as Lucy walked down the aisle, throwing white rose petals from a blue basket. As soon as she was done, Lisbon and Minnelli made their way towards the altar. Jane looked at Lisbon with a quiet adoration, smiling at her as she smiled back. When they made it to the altar, Minnelli placed Lisbon’s hand in Jane’s, carefully putting back her veil before taking a seat in the front row. The priest began his speech and as he did so, Jane reached for Lisbon’s other hand, which she gave him, and they now stood facing each other.

“You look absolutely incredible, Teresa. That tiara suits you well, my angry little princess.” Jane whispered with a smirk.

“Thank you.” Lisbon whispered, grinning.

Finally, the priest turned to Lisbon. “Do you, Teresa Catherine Lisbon, take Patrick Michael Jane to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?”

Lisbon smiled at Jane happily. “I do, and I promise to love you as long as I live and to never leave you again.”

The priest then turned to Jane. “Do you, Patrick Michael Jane, take Teresa Catherine Lisbon to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?”

Jane smiled warmly at Lisbon, squeezing her hands lightly. “I do, and I promise to always be there for you and Lucy and to love you with every fiber of my being for the rest of our lives.”

One of the CBI agents held his small son by the hand as he carried the pillow with two rings on it. Lisbon took the ring for Jane and Jane took the ring for Lisbon and the CBI agent and his son went back to their place. Jane took Lisbon’s left hand and slid the ring on her finger as she did the same with his.

“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now kiss the bride.” the priest told them and Jane wasted no time pulling Lisbon into his arms, holding her tightly against him and claiming her lips in a passionate kiss. Lisbon ran her tongue lightly along her husband’s bottom lip and he nipped her bottom lip before soothing it with his tongue. When they broke apart, they did so amid cheering guests.

~*~

The beginning notes to John Legend’s “All of Me” floated through the reception tent as Jane led his new bride through the circle of onlookers and onto the dance floor. He held her close and she wound her arms lightly around his neck, smiling at him as they began to slow dance.

“Besides Lucy being born, making you my wife is the happiest day of my life.” he whispered.

“I could say the same about making you my husband.” she replied, grinning.

Jane cupped her cheek gently. “I’ll never stop loving you, Teresa.”

Lucy gave Karina a proud smile, which Karina returned as they watched the couple dance.

Lisbon bit her lip and smiled at Jane. “I love you too and I always will.”

With that, not caring that all the guests were watching, he gave her another long kiss.

~*~

A few months later…

Jane awoke, in his bed, to the calming sound of the ocean. He pushed the covers off, careful not disturb his sleeping wife, who had worked late the night before. He carefully opened his nightstand drawer and pulled out a velvet ring box, opening it up. He looked at his left hand, on which his gold ring, for Angela, and his silver ring, for Teresa, both sat. He took off the silver one and put it on the nightstand before removing the gold one, putting it in the box after studying it a moment, and snapping it shut. He put the silver ring back on and put the ring box back in the drawer. It was time to move on, he knew that much. Once he was finished with that, he dressed and went through the sliding glass door of their beautiful beach house, onto the large wooden deck that was their porch and finally, down onto the beach. He stood a short distance from the waves and admired the first rays of sunlight peeking over the clouds. Before long, he felt arms wrap around his waist and he grinned when he turned his head, seeing Teresa behind him, dressed for work.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” he said softly, “is Lucy up yet?”

“She’s getting ready for school. I told her we’d be out here.” Lisbon replied. Jane took Lisbon’s hand and pulled her in front of him, his arms wrapping around her waist now, his fingers playing with her wedding ring absentmindedly.

A few moments later, Lucy appeared, dressed in jeans, sneakers and a Maroon 5 t-shirt, her dark brown hair blowing slightly in the early morning wind. She breathed in the smell of the sea as she came to a stop next to her parents, crossing her arms across her chest.

Lucy looked up at them. “What’re you doing out here?”

“We’re merely watching the sunrise, love.” Jane replied, smiling at his daughter.

“It’s so beautiful out here,” Lisbon commented as she opened her arm to Lucy, who came to her side and let her mother put an arm around her shoulders.

“It is,” Lucy agreed, “I love the beach and I love sunrises.”

“So do I, but there’s something that I need to say to both you and your mother…” Jane began, looking at his wife and teenaged daughter.

“What is it, Jane?” Lisbon replied, looking up at her husband.

Lucy looked up at him too, waiting for her father to speak.

“You’ll never know what you both mean to me. You gave me my second chance at a family and for that; I can’t possibly thank you enough. I love you both more than words can ever say.” he said quietly and Lucy and Lisbon smiled.

“We love you too, Dad, even though you drive us crazy sometimes.” Lucy said with a laugh.

“What she said.” Lisbon agreed, chuckling before Jane kissed her deeply while the sun rose over the horizon.

When they broke apart, Lisbon kissed Lucy’s head, followed by Jane and they watched happily in silence for a while.

Standing there with each other and Lucy, Jane and Lisbon were reminded of the time they’d watched the sunset together before. That had been an ending, but now this was a new beginning...for all of them, together, as a family.

 


End file.
